In just two months, NASA will launch the first of 69 different missions as part of the “Deep Thrust” program. The purpose of these missions is multiple, but centered around a historic Earth myth that some scientists believe just might be real.

What dorks!!

Just what are the astronauts going in search of? Before this morning’s press briefing, many reliable sources claimed that NASA was running a “fool’s errand in search of myths and legends”. However, something happened that changed the scientific community forever. It was crazy.

…if you take a moment to consider it, NASA is perfectly suited for the task. We have a proud history of regularly finding theoretical and hypothetical objects…

– Garfinkle McTrinkle, Chief Clitoris Officer, NASA

Back a few years ago, the boys at NASA were talking around the water cooler, nothing special, just books, movies, low-gravity boob physics, and a comparative discussion on the mechanics of “straight joinkin’ it” on Mars versus the Cloud City on Bespin. A typical Tuesday. But then something crazy happened, something ridiculous, unheard of, mythical, magical… another man joined the conversation at the water cooler. Can you even?

Wait, that wasn’t the magical part. It gets better (we need to higher a better editur. Contact us if ewe kan do bitter).

So, LARRY (the afor mentioned man who did of late join the water cooler conversation but without any great nor implied fanfare), started talking about an amazing night he had with his wife (for our unfamiliar readers, a wife is a usually human female–but executive body-pillow replicas are allowed–that agrees to share her life and also her parent’s disdain for your choice in Warhammer factions. Sex is optional.). In fact, the night wasn’t just amazing, it was mind blowing. It wasn’t just mind-blowing, it was full-body ecstasy. Larry became, in one night, a god among men, a vessel of pure masculinity radiating a shining halo of testosterone, with a full porn ‘stache. He discovered something that night that men have only heard about in songs, myths, legends, jokes about male inadequacy, and posters of female anatomy at doctor’s offices around the country. Larry found…

The Clitoris!!!!!

This is why the clitoris is known as The Great Space Invader

– ancient scrolls and texts

The clitoris (aka. lady-partum-mythicus lickieyumyum) is a small creature that identifies as female gendered. It is a highly social creature and needs regular attention and praise. Druid mystics and ancient scrolls claim, however, that the praise rituals contain a buzz-killing number of steps and often change by the minute or the moon.

The clitoris is tiny, often believed to be invisible. It prefers warm, moist caves to live on. Many of the species prefer to hide in local shrubbery afforded to grassy biomes, while others survive in dewy oasis found in smooth, desert mounds. Yet a third, wilder breed can be found in deep, sopping rainforests and predatory jungles. While it’s believed that the clitoris is pansexual scholars suggest that some clitorisesees can swap sexual preferences in order to survive. They primarily prefer mating with pans, but they may also prefer: pillows, muscly femurs, washing machines on spin, horseback, cell phones left on vibrate, a variety of Ryan Goslings and Andrew Garfields, couch armrests, or generally anything that resists its lascivious and lewd advances as the clitoris tries to invade its physical space. The more the object resists, the more the clitoris feels “heard,” though some gentle petting is often recommended.

This desire for resistance is what led many ancient mystics to label the clitoris as “The Great Space Invader.”

Which means, if you think about it, the famous arcade game, “Space Invaders,” is really about a lonely vagina invading Earth, sending troops of clitoriseseeses, looking for attention and praise by starting a fight.

But Why NASA?

What all the NASA guys around the water cooler noticed when Larry joined the conversation led to this shocking admission of a clitoris discovery. Larry wore the biggest grin, a porn ‘stache (as mentioned earlier), a neck brace, and a broken nose. And if what Larry confessed around that water cooler is true… Larry would be breaking his nose again tonight, and probably cracking some cervical vertebrae.

At this, alarms sounded! Focus groups were formed. Missions were planned, and clitornauts were picked to begin deep breath training, neck strengthening, and elite HIIT tongue training.

Now… if only the NASA scientists could find the clit in its normal habitat, and not on Larry’s wife (who made special arrangements that that specific clit was off limits to study. “Duuuude”s were shouted. Faces were punched, and eventually a contract was signed at the cost of never being invited back to the water cooler ever again. Sacrifices must be made to protect clitorisesees at all costs.)

NASA now has renewed vigor while the world waits with bated breath. Can NASA produce proof of the clitoris? Garfinkle McTrinkle, NASA’s Chief Clitoris Officer, spoke earlier at the press conference…

“Thank you, and welcome. Please, please, we have a lot to get through so quickly take your seats. As you know, I’m Garfinkle McTrinkle, NASA’s Chief Clitoris Officer. I’m addressing you today from the press office in our new ‘Barbara G. Vulva Space Administration Center.’ Tours will be open to the press after this quick briefing.

“There are two questions on the world’s collective mind right now: is the clitoris real, how did we learn about it, where is it, why is NASA searching for it, do I have one and if not can I get one,  and… what is a clitoris–does it come with cotton candy or unicorns?

“We don’t have a definitive answer on the first question, but as to the fourth which should’ve been the second, if you take a moment to consider it, NASA is perfectly suited for the task. We have a proud history of regularly finding theoretical and hypothetical objects in outer space. Planets? Check. Stars? Check. Astronauts? Check. Black holes? Also check. Based on our track record of finding the unbelievable, it’s a no-brainer that the men at NASA would lead this search for mythical, female anatomy. Let’s face it, if it was on Earth, a man would’ve found it by now and then blabbed to every other guy, similar to people who just started yoga and can’t keep their yaps shut, also vegans.

Alright, continuing on. According to research–and ancient scrolls written in forgotten languages–I refer you to the next chart. We may find the home of the clitoris by first searching for a black hole. Then search for an orbiting Taint cloud close to the black hole, it might be in a perineum-type cluster. This then should lead us to a smaller wormhole. In the direction of the galactic zenith (just above the wormhole), the clitoris homeworld should be found atop the wormhole. But then again, some scientists think it’s in the BellyButton Nebula.

“If it’s not there or over there, that’s when our long, thick, thrusting rocket will start poking different space objects and our communications team will ask the local life forms if ‘we found it yet.’

“Scientists suspect that if our long, thick, thrusting rocket enters the wormhole a few times in a variety of pressures and sensitivities it may help us find the clitoris homeworld. They also speculate that the vessel will return home covered in a thin coating of space-juice.

“Thank you. That concludes the press conference. Coffee’s behind you on the table, next to the doughnuts, and free pins of the mission patch design…

“May God help us all.”