The Plight of The Modern Woman
Today’s Modern Woman is cutting through red-tape, social issues, outdated gender roles, and other bullshit faster than her predecessors have in the past. She’s more empowered, more educated, more visible than in decades and centuries before. How does she do it? She’s meeting these challenges head-on by creating all new red-tape… but that’s beside the point.
While the modern woman is making gains at home and at work, a dark specter grows, lurking in the shadows of American boardrooms and man-based penises. This dark force wants to undo the modernity of Today’s Modern Woman, and return her to a time of forced enfeeblement, where she would be known more for her ovulation than her intellect and capabilities.
Yes, America, something wicked this way comes forcing women and girls into penetrative subjugation. Imagine, your mothers, sisters, and friends may soon be traded as naught but human cattle, branded and raised to make men, who will then fight wars for rich assholes.
We here at ADT call bullshit on this fuckery and those fucking, turd munching, fuck-knuckles in Congress, at the White House, the Supreme Court, and all those whiney, pissy, little shit-bitches at the big-boy nurseries where today’s techno-lords get their diapers changed, binkies cleaned, and snacks before their next economic tantrums. That’s right!
ADT proudly says “Fuck all those little shit-guzzling, snake-fucking, cum-scrubbing, mangey-smelling ball sacks of empty personalities, and their nipples of rusty nails too! May all their tiny dicks get lockjaw, their smooth brains get those creepy skull-fucking amoebas, and all their robot butlers fuck their ears with Muzak versions of Kid-Rock covers of Ted Nugent’s pillow talk.”
Everyone at ADT loves the women in their lives and believes it’s much easier to talk to those women when they know their self-worth… and also the alphabet. That’s why, today, we are announcing our newest security product called, InvulneVag®.
InvulneVag®, protecting America’s women one vagina (plus those other parts) at a time.
But What Is It?
Has a man ever leered at you, waggled his eyebrows, and told you to smile, and his face wasn’t immediately caught in a bear trap?
Has a president ever judged your beauty contest by grabbing your pussy and his fingers were NOT removed by 1.21 gigawatt lasers?
Has a man ever lit a cigar in your neighborhood and it did not explode in his face??
ADT’s new InvulneVag® solves all these problems, and more!
Will it Protect My Downstairs Vahooha?
Violently!
The InvulneVag® fits snugly inside your vahooha, between the vajoingle and the vajaingle.
Once inserted, every part of your thing-a-ma-vag is protected.
- Your eggs? Covered in sawblades and Acme bombs
- The tubey bits? Razor wire and lasers, but really hot, burny lasers, y’know?
- The outside funzone? Motherfucking Nunchucks
- The baby oven? A high-yield, thermonuclear device, designed in your choice of colors
- The ovalies? Replaced with Mk 4 pineapple grenades
- The vajooble canal? Shoots injections of dick lockjaw, and scrotal ebola
Will it Rub Up Against My Clitoris When I’m Jello Wrestling for the Male Gaze?
Nice try ladies! It’s just as likely the InvulneVag® would rub against the mythical, sparkly unicorn from that poster you got in middle school. If the clitoris really existed, some man would’ve found it by now and then told all the other men at the Wednesday Man meetings on Wednesdays, or at last month’s Pilsner Con. That’s just science.
Look, if Liam Neeson, nor Jon Lovitz, can find the clit, like, what are the odds that anyone else can? Besides, it’s never been on one map from NASA and all they do is find things like planets and quasars, and those are billions of billions of miles away. They should be called the, National Aeronautics and Find Shit Association.
As of today, none of our biologists, nor cryptozoologists, found the “X” that marks that spot while designing the InvulneVag®. But trust us, if that “clitoris” you speak of is anywhere below your bellybutton and in front of your girly-grundle-grove then she’ll be protected, at no additional cost.
That’s right! With the Total Cuntfidence Guarantee™ from ADT, your whole vaginal contraption, and its biologically ephemeral parts, is protected by the InvulneVag®, including: the volvo, the full-open tubes, the mons venus, the ursa majora, the adenoids, the tonsils, the appendix, spots A through Z, and the succubus.
The Total Cuntfidence Guarantee™
ADT’s Total Cuntfidence Guarantee™ will have you feeling Snatchtastic with your new InvulneVag®. Go ahead and wear those Daisy Dukes to the 1am bull-riding night at the rodeo bar, ten miles outside of town, on the county line, by that old insane asylum and those motherless moonshine boys. Shit, add your stilettos! ADT’s InvulneVag® has your back, and your vag!