Dr. Zablepoo PeepeeButtygon, famed Martian biologist from Mars, announced shocking findings–that counter long-held common-sense beliefs–at this year’s AANAL-CON (Aliens & Natives for Anterior Literacy). Apparently and according to the Martian Dr. PeepeeButtygon, 1000 years of anally probing humans did not actually improve literacy. This shocking revelation undermines the last 1000 years of human traditions in the literary arts and sciences. The Martian doctor then posited that perhaps:

…nonchalantly doing butt-stuff with monkeys could curb illiteracy among humans.

What does this mean for literacy researchers, or the casual monkey-fucker? Scientists are stunned by these findings and trying to catch up to this shocking revelation. Value in the South Asian monkey commodities markets and Bum-Tickling salons are skyrocketing.

Butt, why are Martians interested in the human anus? Aside from the obvious reasons, it was the brother of a famous philosopher, a lesser philosopher in his own right, who said:

Beyond the Valley of the Taint, the heart of human excellence is found in the cave of human excremence.

Fun Tzu

When asked about his research, Dr. PeepeeButtygon approached the podium, turned around, bent over, held the press-mic to his butt and had this to say regarding the initial Martian program to boost human literacy with anal probes:

“We’ve been researching primate butts for over a thousand years now, and not one probed anus has improved the literacy of humanity. Humans are a complicated species though with many antipatterns in their behavioral matrix framuses, or framii. At first, we thought the problem was simply that we were being TOO direct. We tried flying our circular literacy ships over their farm homes, sucking them up into our ship using advanced Martian-Rays, and violently cleaning their bung-holes with a combination of depleted-uranium doorknobs and Mentos with diet soda. The idea here, obviously, was that with cleaner anuses, human literacy would improve. But something happened that we didn’t expect.

“A thousand years of violently cleaning human anuses did not improve literacy.

“We’ll be honest, the first two hundred years we were just having a laugh you know? At first, yeah, it was fun. You guys were hilarious. We used to appear in the night sky, teleport you into our ships, give you some wine, and then we’d all just get freaky for a while. Right at 1000 CE, you European gits were at the height of your illiteracy in the Dark Ages. You had invented languages centuries earlier but every time we held them up to your butt you couldn’t read them! What was even the point of having a sphincter where you sit down and read? But we noticed a strange thing, by 1200 CE your literacy was returning. That meant for two hundred of your Earth years, we’d been tickling your bum-porridge to no effect (or so we thought), and then you started reading again!”

The end of the Dark Ages ushered in the era of intelligence. Nerds became cool and philosophers used writing tools to retell their dick-jokes at the local pub. The Renaissance happened. The printing press was invented. Hearst and Pulitzer used literacy to start a war, and the internet provided access to all the world’s knowledge which was immediately summarized into a series of poop emojis. Humanity rejoiced! Illiteracy was at an all time low.

But something was rotten in Denmark. A faraway president who began attacking his nation’s free press also began clamoring to invade a Denmarkian isle, Iceland, no… Greenland, no… Graceland. In fact, during the rise of this dubious, faraway president and others like him, literacy rates started declining, rapidly, as idiots stormed their capital and began watering plants with Gatorade. The press was under attack by governments and also by themselves. They wrote articles to match the reading level of texting fifth graders. The following is a complete New York Post article about the state of American politics in 2025:

Can U 🐝🍁 it? 🇺🇸🐘go 💥💣. Make 🇺🇸🫏 🪦. LOL. 🍊🥴💩 iz da best... 👄👅🍆🍆💦💦

It’s at this point the Martian race decided to intervene once again, to help humanity get back on track with its potential. But this was a stickier, smellier, shittier situation. If doing butt-stuff with humans wasn’t working, perhaps the Martian scientists needed to dig deeper into the human psyche, into the primitive, human history.

Again, to quote the famed Martian scientist, and expert on human literacy and butt-stuff, Dr. Zablepoo PeepeeButtygon said this:

Since humans evolved from monkeys, we need to go back deeper into the human mind to turn this trend around. We need to get into the human-monkey mind and unlock their potential so they can renew themselves in literature and save their society. The initial phase of our research will last 400 years.

Starting tomorrow, our scientists will begin giving platonic rimjobs to monkeys.