The new film about the First Lady of the United States hit theaters last week. Directed by Brett Ratner, financed by Jeff Bezos, and involving the upcoming presidency of Donald Trump, this film while centering on Melania Trump was made possible by a hit parade of America’s most virtuous men. Correction, in the last sentence we should have typed “most infamous men.”

We asked our resident necromancer-in-training (Rick, The Darkling Soul Flayer, First of His Name, Chief Among the Janitors) to get some of history’s most famously quoted people to review the new movie. We expected a few unpopular reviews, but this is almost universally hated, except by one.

• “For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And what is it to watch this movie but stand naked on the sun and burn in hell?” — Kahlil Gibran
• “Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it, and this movie is so far apart from normal life I was all like ‘Daayuuumm!’” — Haruki Murakami
• “The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and the other begins? I do, and this movie is that dividing line.” — Edgar Allan Poe
• “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, Melania will gaze back into you. Gross.” — Nietzsche
• “Brutus tried to stop me, but I just had to cross the Rubicon and watch this movie. Pay attention kids, when your senator friend stabs you in the back, they might be doing you a favor.” — Caesar
• “A good laugh heals a lot of hurts. This movie undoes all of that.” — Madeleine L’Engel
• “Looks like it’s time for another flood, of good taste.” — God
• “We don’t laugh because we are happy. We are happy because we laugh, except for today. Woof! That was tough to watch.” — William James
• “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. This director however ate nightmares and gasoline for the past ten years.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
• “That which does not kill us makes us stronger. I’m dead.” — Nietzsche
• “It always seems impossible until it’s done, and this movie proves it’s still impossible.” — Nelson Mandela
• “I know not with what weapons WW III will be fought, but WW IV will be fought with copies of this movie.” — Albert Einstein
• “All dreams are within reach, all you have to do is NOT watch this movie.” — Viola Davis
• “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that, no no, no I wooon’t do that.” — Meatloaf
• “This movie ruined my appetite.” — Gandhi
• “Hmmm… Maybe marriage is overrated.” — Frankenstein’s Monster
• “Dearest great, great, great, great, great grandchildren, after watching this film I realized dying by cholera was a whimsical delight. 9/10 stars for cholera!” — James Knox Polk
• “Instructions unclear. Pull the plug then watch this movie, or watch this movie then pull the plug?” — ChatGPT
• “I bet Edison was behind this, as if electrocuting elephants wasn’t bad enough!” — Nikola Tesla
• “The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other guy watch this film. Yikes!!” — George Patton
• “I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country, and that I lost it on this movie” — Hale
• “The price of freedom is eternal vigilance, aaaaaaaand, it’s gone” – Thomas Jefferson.
• “I was born an American; I will live an American; I shall die wondering if Canada has a spare couch!” – Daniel Webster
• “Freedom is never more than one bad movie away from extinction, and the jig is up boys. Let’s pack it in. Do it for the Gipper!” – Ronald Reagan
• “Now y’all know why I chilled out on the cross for a hot minute and hid in the cave. This movie gets a 0/1 resurrections from me dawg.” — Jesus
• “Well I can’t get those two hours back.” — Satan
• “Oh, that was lovely! That’s a 9.5/10 genocides.” — Hitler