The newest press release from AARP is about to shock North America. We, The VNR–being the greatest satirically investigative news source in the Canis Major Dwarf Galaxy and Lower Temecula–bring you this amazing, exclusive story. News of the famed guild’s–of elder adventurers–latest endeavor to enrich the lives of the elderly will make many heads turn, and leave many others scandalized.

Right now in America, 86.7% of the country’s vaginas are unloved and 93% of those are aging but still have plenty of shoe leather to keep the bedroom alive and happy. In fact, the AARP wants you to consider that many aging vaginas are desert roses–long neglected and left to sands that time forgot. But through their brave foray in adult entertainment, those desert roses are about to see rain for the first time in decades thanks to the new publication mark for adult material run by the AARP, called “Silver Fox Seductions.”

Starting in February, on Valentine’s Day, AARP, through its Silver Fox Seductions label, will launch a collection of new, erotic magazines targeted at older Americans, and meant to bring some titillation and spark to difficult lives. And let us be the first to inform you that the lineup is immense, long, girthy, and definitely going to bring some raging waters to America’s nursing homes.

A Message from Kat Billingsly, Executive VP of Silver Fox Seductions

The AARP wanted to address the well-hung elephant in the room, that senior citizens still have full, active, sexually reckless lives, like they did when they were younger. We are saddened that so many of today’s senior citizens are cast aside to nursing homes, or worse, by children or relatives too busy to care for their elders. Because of this, many seniors idle away to increasing decrepitude without even a helping hand with a good wank.

Seniors are just like everyone else. They still have hopes, wishes, and holes that yearn to be stuffed by sexy miliners, naughty cart & buggy racers, or shameless cobblers. Seniors are our nation’s greatest overlooked resource of horny assholes who need to be touched, and loved, and given a jolly good poke or tug on a regular basis. Why anyone would deny them this basic human right is barbaric and cruel.

Additionally, we’ve also come to find that the moralization of sex is an unnecessary hardship for a group of people who built the world as we know it. They’ve worked, and bled, and regularly fucked out new members of different generations all so we could be here today. Today’s seniors are well aware of their mortality and we intend to let them enjoy the life they have left!

Out of compassion for our seniors, and the need to bolster our Q4, we are introducing a set of themed magazines hoping to spark some good-hearted wanking amongst our wizened dodecagenarians, and maybe a few orgies. Using our new “after hours” branding called, Silver Fox Seductions, AARP will be launching the following magazines to service the erotic needs of today’s senior citizens, and from all the generations prior.

We hope you enjoy, you lovable Scamps!

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Indubitably Legal Sluts: These fine phillies are definitely old enough. No Question At All… trust us. Really.

Horse and Buggy Buggery: A tale as old as time. When a man loves a man, who loves a horse. Hooves fly as this love triangle ignites.

Depression Era Goth Bazoombas: Need a psychosexual scare but not ready for the Groin Reaper? Let these anachronistic ladies haunt your pants.

Soup Can Grandpas: If age were measured by the rings of his wood, these grandpas would be older than screaming at kids on lawns.

Preparation OMG: Tips and Tricks to survive that Hemorrhoid Busting Hunk in your life

DTF Elder Faeries: Porn so old and wholesome that “gay” and “fairy” aren’t pejorative terms, just sweet old ladies hungry for the knob-goblin.

Matlock’s Mattress Madness: This courtroom magazine takes you behind the scenes, and the decades, to where the real plea bargains happen

The Greatest Generation of Dick: They hunted Dipshit Nazis and built the bomb, with their huge heads. Mic drop.

Milkmen Cometh: What’s white, smooth, creamy, and gets delivered at the back door? Say! Is that the Milk Man?

Switchboard Floozies: These original bad girls of private connections talk dirty all night. Things really get steamy when they take out their dentures!

Exposed Ankles: Oooh la la! Need we say more? What special surprise comes inside socks? Ankles!

Model T Twinks: The complete assembly line of masculinity. Cars. Hunks. Hunks in cars. Hunks in hunks on cars. Stars on cars on hunks in cars. Stars on cars with jars & bars and bunks of chunky hunks near links of slinkies & kinky twinks

Red Rover Coming Over: Celebrate that time of her month by following these tricks to please her and help her feel beautiful

Carpet Munching with Carpetbaggers: Four score and seven orgasms ago… Rage your war against Northern aggression on her clit with a tongue lashing she’ll never forget.

Pensioneer Hussies: Big, beautiful, ladies waiting to see the size of your government cheese

Old West Saddle Hags: What does a gunslinger groupie do when her slide action runs low on gun oil? She becomes an international mail order bride! So many options to choose from. Free shipping to Australia

Sinful Suffragettes: They earned the right to vote, to vote on the size of your dick

Pervy Prospectors: Who wouldn’t want an old man that gets his hands dirty, diving into caves, looking for just the right spot? We have them all

Founding MILFs: Behind every great founding father is a founding MILF. See how these sexy moms shaped America, and some pants

Humping Hobos: Gentry girl.
She’s been living in her country world. I bet she’s never had a hobo guy. I bet her momma never told her why. 

Romancing the Robber Barons: Sweeping romances between the Vanderbilts, Carnegies, Morgans, and Rockefellers forged in the lustful fires of “gettin’ nasty” against a serene backdrop of moral, social, economic, and political corruption driving normal people to early graves. Splooge! “Let them eat cock!“

GGGGGGILFs: Watch these great-grannies, in a land before time, getting pfreaky with pterodactyls and ptyrannosaurus prexes

Philomena’s Philanthropic Phucks: Some guys have all the luck. Some guys get to live in rooms with ceilings. For everyone else, Philomena and her phriends have a warm place phor you by her private phyre. They’ll make you pheel real good… <ph-wink ph-wink>

At Home with Confederate Cock: A tasteful pictorial of pastoral hills and verdant farms. What about rock hard penis? ¿Porque no dos?

Dick Tracy’s Detecting Dick: The greatest detective without daddy issues issues you your new daddy, and it’s detecting more dick in your future

Twerking in Tweed: Watch that booty bounce! But in a respectfully tasteful, tweed skirt with pleats. These ladies know how to tame your snake… by demurely sitting in the library reading Dickinson. These librarians can reach the top AND bottom shelf. Oh yeah!

Bonnie & Clyde do America: a frolicking take of two deeply troubled psychopaths trying to live their best lives