Long seen as a ticking time-bomb for long-term health, researchers are beginning to see new evidence that snoring may have a softer, beneficial side. New studies suggest that snoring, when properly directed can be used to enhance sexual arousal in the bedroom, leading some women to call this “The one O to rule them all.” Holistic health advocates have been promoting the benefits of sensual snoring techniques to keep the flame alive in the bedroom for many years now.
The one “O” to rule them all
McKayleigh Sheighntay Iverson, stay-at-home soccer-mom to 4 fur babies
What started as lark, a laugh, an impossibly hilarious, satirical joke from the world’s greatest news source to come from Temecula, CA, and the Eastern Canadian Provides–c’est le fun!–the concept of “sensual snoring” has become something more of a reality. Recently discovered texts from a commercial dig site in India have brought to light a completely unknown, second volume to the Kama Sutra called, खर्राटप्रेमस्य पुस्तकम्1. Once unearthed, every mammal, within a distance of 400 saag paneer-stuffed samosas, shook with full body orgasms and fell asleep for twenty minutes, then wanted a sammich… a Sexy sammich!
But scientists want to know if there’s any truth to the claims that snoring, when snored sensuously, can produce lasting pleasure and intimacy in the bedroom. Scientists need to know if results are different if someone snores erotically, libidinously, sexually, or scandalously instead of sensuously. Will there be more, or fewer orgasms in their sexual partners? Will the change in snoring type cause longer orgasms or possibly prohibit them altogether? Will muppets jump in from stage left? How long will their musical number take, and is Animal still single? This is what scientists are actively studying.
While human trials are still a few years out, researchers at PornHub’s Department of Ear, Nose, & Throat Sex have taken up the mantle as the private sector’s leading sensual snoring experts, working closely with staff at NIH and select SubReddits. By simulating sex between two sex toys researchers can begin identifying which sensual snoring patterns will get the sex toys to initiate orgasm protocols in each other. The testing regimen consists of multiple steps, including: starting a chainsaw, then starting a Harley-Davidson chopper, resting an ovulating male-type sex toy against a plush, velvet pillow, and lastly the researchers take turns sexily slapping each other with 18″ dildos until the sex toy for men begins shouting “ay Dios Mio!”
To begin new trials, Porn Hub senior sensual snoring scientists created a new sex toy, a nose and throat simulation that snores on demand, including a flappy tongue attachment for clitoral stimulation or deep licking; it is believed the snoring vibrations enhance the tongue’s performance. Newer, slimmer models will feature just a snoring tongue with a Tom Selleck mustache attached.
Until human trials get approved by the FDA, and the council of Baptist Mothers, scientists are seeing the greatest advancements in animal studies right now, specifically Scottish Highland sheep, mice, and anime style Catgirls. In highly controlled testing environments, sexy sleep researchers are strutting around the chill, modern lab environment in short skirts or ripped jeans, each dramatically pulling their lensless glasses off to see their monitors better, or directing various lab equipment to “enhance, enhance.” Some of the researchers are playfully smirking at each other as their hair gently blows in a wind seemingly coming from nowhere. Shirts are buttoned low with specs and breasts fighting the confines of these distressed buttons. Playful kisses and blow jobs can be seen at various desks. And in the back, sitting in a ratty recliner, with his feet up and shoes off, is someone’s grandfather snoring away, the sound amplified through the lab’s various speakers. The catgirls are naked, very frisky, and brushing up against every guy or anyone with catnip. And the Scottish Highland sheep? They’re busy typing up the lab reports that the scientists are too horned up to bother with.
This is science at its best.
But all is not well in the world of sensual snoring. Recently, the Pope issued a papal bull banning the heretical practices of sensual snoring stating:
This’a very bad. Jesus, he’a watch’a you, snoring. No’a calzone for you. Imma calling your poor mama!
Elsewhere in an increasing rash of privacy violations, couples are recording the best snores they can find leading many to jail time for home invasion and public indecency.
Elsewhere, many men are waking up dead, finding themselves suffocated the previous night by their partner riding the Tongue Train to Snore City. While pleased that their partners are finally affectionate, waking up to a dead bedroom left these men wishing their partners would’ve just let them have “s’nore sleep” reporting they are dead tired. Said one recently living man:
I’m happy that she’s happy, y’know? Like, it’s cool I can bring her new pleasure, and her thighs are bangin fer sure, but I don’t know what I’m going to tell my boss now. “Yeah, hey man. Sorry, no pulse bro. Hehehe, yeah. Oh, you were snoring too? Aww dude, we need to compare notes. You dead though? Yeah, me too. Dude, my face is raw.” I don’t think so…
The wives of the recently deceased men had many positive things to say. Many of them are giddy, dancing around like Disney princesses waking from a sexless sleep now that their Princes Snorington have awoken them with a kiss and the best goddamn orgasm in decades. Said one renewed wife:
His snoring is the sound of romance! His nasal obstructions, my ecstacy. His apnea, my arousal. I’ve never loved him more!!! I think I’m pregnant with twelve children.
Make sure to read our next article about this global trend: “10 Things Your Life-Coach Cat Can Teach You About Sensual Snoring and How That Can Affect Your Dog’s Self-Esteem“
Also coming up is our book review of, “The Case of the Big Snore: a Sam Spade & Busty Betty Mystery“
- A poetic and elegant book title if ever we’ve read one and we know our readers definitely agree how the subtle imagery evoked in the title has taught us all something manifestly important about life, love, and having it all, and also about a good wank in a monsoon–where you can really express yourself
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