Your Vote Today FOREVER Changes the World.
It’s voting day in the US and while the whole world watches in terror as the US slides into a corpulent husk of embittered rage and egoist deflection, many at home in America wonder if they should vote… or just jizz on the ballot. Admittedly some Americans either don’t know what the actual difference would be while yet others are shocked to learn you don’t put your dick in “those” holes. Experts in democracy–those self-appointed democrasnobs that would rather marry a voting machine than embrace the hilarious hijinks of Stalinism–are beginning to wonder if, as a nation, America might be suffering a “stunted” national youth.
At only 250 years young as a nation, America likely should’ve learned how to vote above an 80% participation rate by now. Doctors of democracy (democradocs) are worried.
Said one democradoc…
Considering the national importance of voting, and the difficulty of sustaining a nation without being involved in it, we’re surprised more people don’t vote especially 250 years in.
At this rate, America will still be drinking from the well of the corrupted and bloviating Fourth Estate through a sippy cup for another 165 years. Wittle Baby Amewica won’t be able to eat the solid foods of self-reflection and civic responsibility until it experiences a few more kleptocratic burpies.
Right now, the country is 14 years old, in nation years. It’s a simple conversion to human years if you carry the one, but since we’re still wanking the flank steak on ballots I don’t expect anyone to properly do the ratio. For now, a regressed American psyche will likely suffer more years of infantilized ideas of national greatness and pooping their constitutional pants until they get older.
If this doesn’t work, the country should just take 2 fentanyls and not call me in the morning.
Opponents to voting think they have a solid response. They call it the “But have you TRIED jizzing?” response. Very similar in moral authority to being asked “have you done your own research” when discussing vaccines, science, logic, reason, and the shape of the Earth, jizzing on ballots can feel very empowering, euphoric, orgasmic even, as if in a full body shudder the salty juice of life is shooting out of your hardened love stick. This new behavior lets an abandoned population feel strength in protest against the power structures that hold them back.
It ultimately does nothing, but who doesn’t love busting a nut on some homework that “the Man” told you to fill out. Yeah! Fuck you man! You can’t make me participate in my own future!!! Bitch.
Another benefit to getting those ballots hot and sticky, with your unique blend of au splooge, is it kills off those free radicals in your political system, like journalists and satirists. The difference between a journalist and a satirist is the former is hard to kill and the latter will likely do it for you–accidentally–even in a room of pillows with climate control. However, both are dangerous to burgeoning Idiocracies and Jizzocracies. A proper journalist will tell everyone the leader lied, and a proper satirist will tell everyone that while the leader was lying her butt also smelled like Fart Pringles and that her face looks like farts, just like her diplomacy. Everyone will laugh. Somewhere in between the journalist and the satirist lay the truth. Thus the road is lonely for satirists since they tend to care deeply about the health of the nation, yet generally can’t wake up before 3p and will spend the rest of their day throwing semen and feces at systemic racism, or eating bags of Spicy Doob Doritos. This makes them easy for Splooge-acrats to kill with government ninjas. Journalists though can sometimes eat the heads of government ninjas and are therefore harder to kill.
So, what will America do? Will it wake up? Will it remain asleep? Will the collective splooging of America’s voters finally ring aloud the death knell for a stable world? Has Democracy been watching too many Russian snuff films where smaller nations are caged and slaughtered? Or, maybe, Democracy is tired from masturbating to the ankles of Lady Liberty. Oh… She’s a fox, for sure.
If you are voting today, please, please, please take seriously the impact of your vote on everyone else, on the world, and your family.
A vote today helps you jizz in peace tomorrow