Welcome fashion and glamour fans! This is going to be an INSANE showdown of epic makeover proportions between the leading editors-in-chief of the nation’s major newspapers.
I’ll be your announcer tonight for the WHOLE shebang. My name is Smuggler, Richard Smuggler, and I know what you’re thinking. Can he back that name up or did his parents really hate him? All I can say on the air is my parents have been together for fifty years and next week my father and I are going hunting for Bambi and Sinnamon, if you know what I mean, and I bet you do. Okay!!! Moving on! Let’s talk about tonight’s event.
Normally we like to look at before and after pictures of models, mothers, child stars, and politicians. Who doesn’t love to drag regular people by showing ill-gotten bikini photos??? But a collection of word-nerds that dominate public discourse and drive these inane stories about who wore what better and when? Let’s make these bitches SHINE son!!
Today we’re flipping the script. Today, we’re judging the Assholes that guide the newspapers that run the fashion editorials and lifestyle columns that drag you down.
To do this, we created a beauty bracket of the editors-in-chief of the twelve largest national newspapers (surprisingly, we made the cut over Atlanta this year. Suck it, Atlanta!) in a single-elimination makeover battle.
Before we get to the first bracket though, let’s introduce today’s sponsor: Assholes! That’s right, Assholes. Are you tired of being judged for changing your hair or your clothes and then being compared to 20-something you, back when you could shoot heroin, smoke a pack of unfiltered cigs every day, drink a river of tequila at night, and STILL wake up the next day looking fucking glam?!? That’s right, Assholes are the reason for this misery. Did you know, Assholes have been scientifically proven to make everything worse? It’s true!!!
And for anyone out there worried about the cultural insensitivity of us calling other people from other backgrounds assholes, we assure you it’s fine. We were raised Asshole! Our mother was an Asshole, and our father was an Asshole too!
We’re surrounded by Assholes!!
Now let’s get to gambling portion of our festivities. Let’s look at the brackets.
Round 1
S.F. Chronicle vs K.C. Star
The Chronicle is the clear favorite to win this round. It’s a storied newspaper with a rich tradition dating back to some of the earliest days of California and the country. These days, San Francisco represents the best in LGBTQ+ culture and you know those sassy bitches got class out the ass, m’kay!?
But what about the K.C. Star? I mean, who cares right? Aside from beef and barley, what does K.C. have that S.F. doesn’t? I feel bad for Kansas City, I really do. This matchup isn’t even a contest. They’re going to get wiped all up and down this glamor court tonight folks. If snitches get stitches, then bitches get riches, and tonight no one’s going to bring that Dommy-mommy vibe like San Francisco.
By the way… did you know, if you pronounce it, “San Fran,” they say a hipster dies over a heroin spoon somewhere in the Tenderloin? Yeah, every time. That’s crazy, isn’t it? Someone should look into that, for sure.
Okay, coming out first is Emilio Garcia-Ruiz, editor in chief at the S.F. Chronicle. Let’s get a look at the before and after.
Okay. A strong showing from Ruiz, but I’ll be honest, it’s not blowing me away. He gets points for turning the other cheek. WWJD, am I right? The bangs are a nice touch, and even though they’re always in season like a French prostitute on Easter I’m feeling a little underwhelmed here. The googly eyes though are really bringing the whole ensemble together. Where is Ruiz looking? At the temporal vicissitudes of a chaotic future, or the cruller near my ballsack? Both are exciting options. All in all, a classy presentation but probably too understated. Judges are giving it a disappointing 4.3/10. Wow!!! Kansas City might have a shot.
Okay, coming out now is Andale Gross, leader of the K.C. Star. Kansas City was Never known for its fashion but it’s anyone’s game tonight. Okay, let’s have a look at the before and after!
Good Lord! Boner alert people! Wow! I’m not kidding! That cruller in my lap just shot across the room! Look at how effortlessly Gross just kingmaxxes that ensemble. He’s even got a scepter in one hand, and a TEMU quinceanera-crown trimmed with the synthetic fur from the shaved muff of a Real Housewife of the Florida Everglades!! Those Florida Housewives are NOT easy to catch and rarely survive in captivity long enough to get a full muff shave. It’s been said that they were responsible for the sirens in Homer’s Odyssey, and rabies! Haha! Rabies… Stay hydrated kids! And unsurprisingly the judges are giving this a 9.2/10!!!
Goodbye San Fran! You had a game plan coming in but stopped way short of stacking those chubs.
Chicago Tribune vs Miami Herald
Okay! Next up is a grudge match between two of the meanest cities in the US, Chicago vs Miami! Alcohol mobsters vs cocaine gangsters. This is going to be an excellent match and I’ll be surprised if anyone comes out alive from this makeover showdown.
Let’s start with the Trib. If Scandal had a face it would be the very soul of Chicago. The lights, the glamour, the unwashed masses, the slaughter houses, the bullets, and the press. Little known fact, if Honest Abe didn’t put out the great Chicago fire (1871) then he never would’ve invented deep-dish pizza! How many times has deep dish pizza walked you back from the knife’s edge of a night-time visit to a bridge over a step chasm? Old Abe really saved millions of lives there. I should go see what he’s up to lately.
Anyway! Judges are bringing out Mitch Pugh, editor in chief of the Chicago Tribune. I’m excited. This is going to be nasty, a real throwback to the tough-as-nails vibe that just permeates the city. And… Here he comes.
WHAT IN THE LOLITA IS THIS? Has Mitch lost his mind?!?! Oh my goodness, folks! Mitch is donning a pink bow on blonde tresses, and… am I seeing this right? His head IS UPSIDE DOWN!! His head is twisting AROUND! He is ONE explosive vomit away from being full on demon-possessed! I cannot believe this folks. On the one-hand I’m floored at the childishness on display. I mean, sure, like Papa Bear I definitely love me some Goldilocks because that porridge is just right, know what I’m saying? But here we’ve got a demon Lolita out here, and it’s wearing a necktie ON TOP OF ITS HEAD. Folks, this is so confusing. I do now know who his stylist is, but Quasimodo is looking pretty good right now. And his head? How’s it on upside-down? And where’s the blood? Am I impressed, or confused, or turned on? Those flaxen curls are warm like the summer is long. Someone call my shrink.
Judges are giving this a 2/10. Let’s move on before I start fantasizing about his chin.
Next up is Alex Mena with the Miami Herald. Fuck it, let’s just see his before and after, there’s no way it could be worse.
Oh wow. Thank god. Alex is saving this match up by turning to the very roots of Miami with this Miami Vice inspired makeover. This is the best work of cocaine-chic I’ve ever seen. Look at that. It’s like, his before picture is saying “Gabbagoo you pastrami motherfucker. You don’t wanna see me when I’m’a angry!” but then his makeover is saying “Crockett! Tubbs! There’s a drug bust happening right now! In my pants!!! And you’ve gotta work that scene buster!”
With this type of inside the box thinking, I bet Alex Mena could take the Miami Herald ALL THE WAY! And the judges are agreeing with a 9.2/10! That pits Miami in a tie with Kansas City for points.
Who knew makeovers could be this intense?
The winner? Miami dusts Chicago leaving them with a bloody nose and a deviated septum.
Boston Globe vs Houston Chronicle
Okay… The third matchup for the Round 1 makeovers is taking place. We have The Boston Globe vs The Houston Chronicle. The Patriots vs Oil Barons. Robert McGrory will be representing the Boston Globe as editor in chief, and lemme tell you this man knows how to pahk the cah in Hahvahd Yahd. Sure hope Boston likes those apples because Houston is about to bring the heat, and not a dry heat either! Oh no! Houston is going to bring major bouts of swamp-ass with all that humidity. Representing the Houston Chronicle is Kelly Ann Clark. Y’know, some say she was born from a rattlesnake and a gallon of crude. Me? I think it’s probably more likely that her parents had sex and nine months later she was born. Nobody knows for sure though. And here she is…
Y’know… I never thought I’d say this in a makeover contest, but I think my favorite part is the tree. Otherwise, all I’m seeing is the love child between Indiana Jones, Pippy Longstocking, and Ann Taylor LOFT. Clearly you wouldn’t wear this to a funeral or a dig site. With this outfit and that whip I bet she’s about to buy a Subaru and tell people at Whole Foods how she kills her own meat. And what’s with the snake?! Why’s it starting at me?
And the judges are just as confused as I am. This scores a 6 of “I can’t even.”
Next up is Robert McGrory. That is his real name. He is not a character in a Richard Scary book.
Wow!!! I can’t believe it! Talk about a Boston Big Balls move here. Looks like Bobby McGobby here grew the size of his head, AND THAT’S IT!! His head is now 7x bigger than before but with that same piercing stare. Talk about a power play folks. I haven’t seen that kind of in-your-face Boston style hooliganism since last night when Bobby and I got kicked out of the Kennedy Tavern for pissing on the bar and telling stories about Johnny Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe!!
That’s classic Bobby McGobby! Judges agree. He’s getting a 8.5/10 score.
L.A. Times vs The Vidalia News Recorder, aka The Greatest News on Paper Since Report Cards and Tampons
This is going to be an interesting one! From the La-La-Land of make believe comes Terry Tang of the LA Times. Now, people normally talk about her like she’s a monster, an honest-to-god corporate cannibal that eats the babies of newbie journalists, and if the blood of the newborn pleases her it’s said she’ll hire that journalist on the spot. But, if not, well, she once ate a man’s face OFF using someone else’s face! That’s both sick and logistically a very difficult finishing move. The balance of psycho vs athletic creativity really shines through when you have to eat someone’s face off using someone else’s face. Does that even work over a Zoom call? One shudders to think. She got the 2024 Pulitzer award that year for “Distinguished Cuisine Journalism” for her piece on the “NYC Pop-up Cannibal Kitchens of Borneo and New Guinea.” Their “Thomas Chutney” was excellent, until you learned it was made from, well, y’know, from Thomas.
Hey Thomas! If you’re reading this, DON’T GO to Borneo or New Guinea for the honeymoon your wife planned! It’s a trap!
Whoa! Is Terry going for Daschiel Hammet couture? MEEEOWWW!!! She could throw me in a boiling broth of film noir anytime she wanted. Look at that disguise and how it sensuously hugs her cigar like only a plastic nose could chafe a solid tube of dried leaves. Delicious and masterful. Looking like this I bet she’s just moments away from solving the Black Dahlia murders. With that fake mustache, made from the hair of the children of newbie journalists, and those eyebrows she could blend in at any Marx Brothers convention and no one would be the wiser.
Oh! It looks like the judges agree! It’s sexy, sexual, and fuzzy noir! What’s this??? Judges are giving her an unprecedented 15.4/10?! Maybe it’s because she’s carrying a gun, she’s a cannibal, and DoorDash forgot her blooming onion? Or maybe it’s Maybelline.
Okay, last up to finish off Round 1 competition is The Vidalia News Recorder. Oh fuck, prepare to get boners on your boners, and so wet you’ll remember why dresses used to be called “crotchless slip and slides.” Folks, whatever we’re about to see will make you believe in God, Jahweh, and Allah as they walk into a bar where God orders a whiskey, Yahweh orders a Manischewitz, and Allah orders a Shirley Temple, and they laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.
Let’s have a look…
Very classy. Looks like the VNR is going understated this year but pulling it off in style. This is called the “White T and Botox” fit. It’s simple, ageless. It reminds us of James Dean, Easy Riders, Abercrombie and Blow. No one is beating Scribbles O’Hanrahan this year and the judges know it. Okay, here come the scores.
Wait! Shots fired! Shots fired, ladies and gentlemen! There is violence at the judge’s booth. Two are slain. Oh my god! And Terry Tang from the LA Times has her gun pointed at the tits of the final judge. It seems she’s now changing her score!
She’s changing her score! This is the first time ever in competitive makeover tournaments for editors in chief that someone has been shot. And Terry is doubling down! She’s motioning for the judge to lower, again, her score for Scribbles.
Wow, this is a travesty. Final score for the VNR is… 0.4/10.
In part 2 we’ll cover the semi-finals. Will the NYT or WaPo be able to bring the heat???