Ask a Nut Butter Specialist: What Should I Have Done Earlier to Avoid My Crushing Addiction to Goth Baddies?

What’s one thing you wish you had started doing earlier in life?

Welcome to “Ask a Nut Butter Specialist,” featuring today’s top minds, in nut butter science, addressing your urgent concerns. Romance? Career? Intimacy? Horticulture? Xenobiology? Our nut butter specialists, lovers, and corporate propagandists can help.

Hello, I’m Liam Neeson, a specialist in Peanut Butter Creaminess, with a Ph.D from Northern University Temecula State. Go NUTS! There were too many great questions this week to answer them all. But keep sending in your questions and I’ll answer what I can.

Today, we’re covering how to cure an addiction to goth baddies.

Dear Liam Neeson,

Wow, I can’t believe it’s you. Do you remember that movie where you got revenge on those people who were like, totally heinous, and you like murdered them all? Where did you even get that set of very specific skills, skills that make you a nightmare for people like mondo bad guys?

Also, ever since I was young I’ve had a crushing addiction to super-hot, biggely-boobed, raven-haired, snow-white goth baddies. I mean, I can’t get enough of them. I’ve tried only dating one, or four, at a time, but they’re like, into it, and they group together, pressing their jumbino squishy bazoingas against me all the time. Before all this happened, I think I was about to be promoted to Head Fry Boy for all of Ohio at McDonalds. Like… I’m in a bad rut now man. It’s like I’m married to a whole coven of sex-starved sex witches that just want sex and they’ll use their huge, warm booby-pillows and coal-black lips to keep me from escaping. They’ve joinked my crink-crink into their stink-stink so much that I think I’ve transcended human suffering and the need for Amazon Prime. I haven’t got long before they come back and take me to the next level of sexual awakening. Wait… what am I writing about?

Your friend in delirious pleasure atop Mt. Goth McSquishyThighs,

– I Can’t Remember

Dear “I Can’t Remember,”

First of all, I am Liam Neeson, the dedicated butyronucologist from an island north of Wales, west of Scotland, whereas Liam Neeson, the actor, is from an island called Ireland, which is South of Northern Ireland. While I may be described as dashingly handsome, Liam Neeson, the actor, is handsomely dashing. I studied at the Northern University of Temecula State–Go NUTS!!–and Liam Neeson was trained with a very particular set of skills that make him a nightmare for people like you. I hope that clears it up.

As to your other problem, have you considered the mystical power of peanut butter, and unbuttered peanuts, to address your addiction to heavenly boobified, goth hunnies??

Here are some facts that you may find compelling:

If you can sell one peanut to ten people then you’ve made 10x the original estimates.
If those ten people then sell one peanut to ten other people, and you collect 15% on each sale, as their sole peanut distributor, then you’ve started collecting passive income plus your direct sales
Selling peanuts are perfect for this business structure as long as you deliver as few peanuts as possible
Call now to join our Platinum Executive Level of Peanut Sales Excellence
One peanut, deftly and swiftly placed inside the hole of your penis, sans anesthetic, will ensure a conclusion to sexual addiction with the darkly demure decolletage and ethereal visage of a goth thot
Here’s a fun fact. When battling covens of sex-crazed, g-string covered goth succubi, each peanut you consume increases your sperm count by 200%. This means that with each handful of peanuts eaten you’ll be able to blast through 1 squad of goth hotties before needing to refill your meat rifle
When mixing peanut butter with raisins, chocolate nibs, cocaine, and Viagra, your normally adequate shlong becomes as strong and heavy as a Viking warhammer. Watch out you lusty lingerie-clad goths, meet the Meat-Mallet of the Visigoths

What About Almond Butter?

But beware… some people believe that all nut butters are the same, or even that almond butter is better for you. Let me tell you now, I, Liam Neeson, mildly handsome Ph.D in Butyronucology–not to be confused with the devilishly charming actor named, Liam Neeson–do NOT SUPPORT the buying, selling, or consumption of almond butter for anyone except those dipshit assholes at the bank. Those fuckers just love to gargle spoiled coyote spunk. You know how I know? Because they just re-upped their annual contract with Big Almond Butter. Well fuck you almond butter!! Fuck it! Those sneaky bitches think they can topple the smooth creaminess of peanut butter? Ha! Those doped-up crackheads wouldn’t know smooth if they were dragged over concrete then shit on by a rhino then skull-fucked by broken Legos. Almond butter is so fucking gross that if my step-sister got stuck in the dryer WHILE EATING ALMOND BUTTER!!… I wouldn’t even look at her. I mean, c’mon people, almond butter LITERALLY caused the first world war!

Almond butter can go fuck itself. Fuck.

Conclusion

Well, that’s all we have the time for this week in our “Ask a Nut Butter Specialist” segment, with Liam Nelson, Ph.D in Butyernucology.

Please keep sending your letters and sharing your stories with us. It means the world to us.

… and fuck you almond butter, you nasty rat jizz.