Editor's Note: This has been a troubling time at The Vidalia News Recorder. We sent our ace reporter, Elbo the Muppet, out into the field to interview one of the world's greatest minds, Jeff Bezos. However, we didn't account for the emotional difficulty of this assignment on Elbo. It seems that, had we considered this earlier, sending in one of the sweetest, kindest, most selfless souls on the planet (in flesh or foam) to interview one of the emptiest souls would not go well.
For what it's worth, we've apologized to Elbo and put him on medical leave with plenty of time to relax.
He'll be back at work on tomorrow.
E: Welcome everyone! It’s me, your friend Elbo, hee-hee! Elbo is happy to see you! Normally Elbo lives on Hemp Street but today Elbo is on Wall Street. That’s right, “waaallll streeet.” Did everyone at home say it too? Ha-ha! You are so smart! Elbo wants you to know that he’s hosting a show on the tee-vee that’s called “The Global Economic Policy Hour at VNR Financial.”
Elbo doesn’t know what these words mean. What is “glob-uhl?” And also, what is “eck-ow-numm-icks?” And what is “plossy, pole-see, poh-silly?” I know what “silly” is. That’s me! Elbo is silly! ha-ha! And today’s show is sponsored by the letters: m, o, n, e, and–can you guess it–y! and the numbers: two, and hundred, and billion! Wow! Elbo did not know that number. Did you? I bet you did!
To start, Elbo will ask some questions of our new friend Jeff Buhzoos. Remember what start is? That’s when something begins! Welcome Jeff! I love you.
JB: Oh, huhuhhuh… Yes. Um, hello. I ugh, hehe, ugh, yes. Me too. But not like that, me too. It’s good to be here, yes.
E: Jeff, what is money? Do you have money? And does Elbo have money?
JB: That’s a great question Elbo. And I’m really happy you asked that question. It’s an important question. Yes, and. It’s something that not everyone understands when it comes to economics is this idea of money and struggling people to pay rent. Yes, thank you.
E: Jeff, what just happened? Elbo did not hear an answer. Do you know what an answer is, kids? It’s when you listen to someone’s question and then say things to address the question! Haha!
JB: Thank you for that question Elbo. It was very insightful and it’s about time someone asked it, and I’m happy to address it here, and now.
E: Is Jeff okay? Does Jeff understand talking, and giving answers to questions?
JB: That’s a good point, Elbo. Yes, I do have money. I have 200 Billion money. This is a funny story Elbo, you’ll like it. Just the other day on my yacht I was playing 9 rounds of golf, because that’s how I can run a spaceship company and the largest online retailer in the world. So I’m on my yacht, doing business while playing golf, making sure no one talks to me because I’m super serious, when the man-servant brings a bowl of shrimp for us to eat. Guess what? My wife, Lauren, she’s the hot wife with the big boobs, not the other one, that’s the hot wife with beautiful eyes, kind smile, keen business sense, and deep sense of philanthropy. Turns out, Lauren had a nightmare about a shrimp eating her eyes out so we had to throw all the cooked shrimp overboard. Immediately! All of it thrown away. It was wild. It was like 200 pounds, could’ve fed a village, y’know?
And, to your other question. No, Elbo has no money.
E: What the fuck?
JB: Yes, that’s right Elbo. I have so much money that I own a boat larger than some villages. It’s so big, it needs another boat just to keep it running. Yes.
E: So you know what Elbo does when he has too much of something, Jeff? Elbo shares with his friends! I like sharing. Elbo, and Big Yeller, and Dirt & Bernie all love to share. It makes Hemp Street a magical street. What do you like to share, Jeff? It’s clearly not shrimp, or boats.
JB: Have you ever read “Atlas Shrugged,” by Ayn Rand?
E: Oh shit… Elbo thinks our new friend, Jeff, likes to share the Kool-Aid before drinking it
JB: It’s a magical story Elbo. You see, and what most people can’t realize because we haven’t had the conversation is that story is about one man against the world. He’s out there fighting grifters, and communists, and charities, and hospitals, unions, pensions. He’s fighting to make sure people make just enough money to go to work, but not enough money to enjoy existing. Elbo, did you know some people are so lazy on the job that they want to take breaks, or have lunch? Can you believe it? I share minimum wage jobs with them, where they can’t afford rent, and they want to take time off during a ten hour shift?! This is just neo-con-liberalism dressed up as post-lib-conservatism!
E: To everyone listening at home, can you guess what Elbo just did? Elbo just shit his pants, in fear. Do you know what shit is kids? Elbo hopes not! Elbo also doesn’t think he likes this “waaalll Street” anymore. Everyone here is a monster, and not friendly monsters like Skunky Monster. He and Elbo are friends. Do you have friends Mr. Jeff? Would you like to be Elbo’s friend?
JB: To answer your question, y’know, I like to share my warehouse space where people can work a meaningful job and compete against robots that will eventually take their jobs. Then they beg for other jobs and I pay them half as much or make them fight to the death on my yacht while I eat organic popcorn, or I launch their brains into space on rockets that explode, for science.
E: What the fuck?! Nevermind. Elbo does not need more friends. No harm done, right amigo? And remember kids, “amigo” means “friend” in Spanish. Isn’t that a nice word? Haha!
JB: Elbo, have you ever been to Epstein Island?
E: Stranger Danger! Stranger Danger! That’s all the time Elbo has for the show. Elbo is running away now. Do you know what “running away” means? It’s what Elbo does so he does not go to Epstein Island.
Holy Fucking Shit. Why does Elbo want to stare blankly at a wall, for four hours? Or cry in my weekly goals meeting with Cheezit the Frog? Why does Elbo want to burn all the rainbows, and eat only Pringles?
Is this what depression feels like?
Maybe, Elbo would feel better with heroin. Do you know what heroin is?