Nils “Pow Pow” Bjornssonson, the bad-boy researcher at MIT, discovered new gun technology that is revolutionizing the market. For centuries, warfare was decided by guns–big and small–that went “Bang! Bang!” And what an effect it had on cultures, families, and nations. The “Bang! Bang!” ushered in dramatic changes in foreign policy, home defense, and spectacular police brutality. Everyone knows that distinctive sound, like it’s been inscribed in our collective DNA. But what about other gun-shooty sounds?  Are they also effective? Do they stop intruders? Are certain gun-shooty sounds safe for children but lethal against criminals, singing telegrams, or punk-ass bitches? Can different gun noises be used to potty-train chimpanzees, or conduct a symphony? No one dared ask such radical questions.

Even now, those questions are far outside the scope of this article.

Starting in his youth, Bjornssonson became interested in the intersectional research space of punk rock, emo, and guns. Some of his finest memories are of a ska-punk-emo band he formed at 8 years old, with his twin brothers and their weed dealer, Greg Sarumon. They called themselves, The Uruk-High, and their music featured beats set to the sounds of gun blasts and bong water. As the frontman, Nils was known as “Pow Pow,” for his love of all things that went, or said, “Pow!” but in like a very shocking, and alarming way, y’know.  Even then he was somewhat of a scientific ingénu, bucking conventions and the rigid constraints of third-grade stem-class research ethics, often working through storytime and shapes lessons yet hindered by the confines of the materials at hand: glue, glitter, and classmate boogers. How could new munitions be tested for splatter and ricochet without access to the school district’s annual allotment of medical-grade research monkeys, putty cats, and forensic gels?

The “Pow Pow” Revolution

"Something something, rose by any other name, would that also smell good? Not if it was, like, spelled 'poopoo,' m'problematically underage lady."
   - Billy Shakespeare, "Himbo and Juulliette"

Last year, Bjornssonson was asked about how he came up with the revolutionary idea to make guns that say “Pow! Pow!” when they shoot.

So like, look, right. All these guns go “Bang! Bang!” right? Yeah… So I just thought, like, what if when you shoot a gun, it was spelled “Pow! Pow!” instead. And like, it’s genius innit? Yeah. It just slaps, right? It’s a big, cunty noise, right in yer scared, cunty faces, right?

To make things even better, right. No one’s making any “Pow! Pow!” proof vests yet, and, bang! Bob’s your uncle. Open the money gates boys!

Oh bullocks. I said bang! but I meant “POW! Bob’s your uncle.”

Bullocks! You know what I meant. Hmmmm… That gives me an idea. What about, now hear me out… Are you ready? Okay, reconfiguring and reloading the ammo, and pulling the trigger…

“Bullocks! Bullocks!”

Right, nevermind… Getting proper tea-bagged by bullets is not a cool way to die, innit. Can you imagine someone’s last words being “gargle gargle?” That’s just cruel.

Despite Bjornssonson’s recent success with “Pow! Pow!” munitions and gunsmithing, this was not his first attempt at blazing new pathways into gun-shooty technology. In fact, many earlier attempts flubbed out, quite literally.

Failed Tests

The Vidalia News Recorder Division of Corporate Secrets and Fiscal Shenanigans was able to collect secret experiments that failed. We’ve released the secret results below and YOWZA will these Pow! your mind…

The Punctuation and Capitalization is Essential

“Pow! Pow!” Bjornssonson discovered that guns spelled with different punctuation were less effective. This included changes in capitalization variations. Bigger letters made more police-gun-justice. Smaller letters allowed for higher rates of criminal-punk-talk-back. This is chiefly why smaller capitalization spelled guns are sold to the public.

• Bang? Bang?
  • Feedback Notes: Using the Question Mark had the unfortunate side effect of shooting probabilistically uncertain ammunition. Did the ammo shoot? Did it kill? Was it death by sarcasm? We can’t be certain.
• pow. pow.
  • Feedback Notes: Meh. It’s giving whiskey-dick. Perfect for home defense.
• bang. bang.
  • Feedback Notes: if e. e. cummings wrote a hipster revolution poem about police violence for Jessie J
• shoot. shoot.
  • Feedback Notes: gun for an effete British detective investigating the theft of the Crown Jewels, or espionage at the British East India company into who stole the crumpets

Alternately, guns that shot in all-caps were seen as being “too much,” “extra,” or “having self-esteem, or daddy, issues.” Notable exceptions are battleships and RoboCop.

• POW! POW!
  • Feedback Notes: “Holy Pow Batman! Drama much?!”
• BANG! BANG!
  • Feedback Notes: “One more ‘bang’ and I think the evil ghost of a now dead porn star will come back to sex-haunt me to death and I’m totally scaroused for it.”

The Future Evolution of Guns

When giving a speech to the recent graduates at MIT, “Pow! Pow!” Bjornssonson wistfully spoke about a world where guns of all spellings and capitalizations could be used to raise children, host a quinceanera or The Golden Globes, and maybe, just maybe, unite the world in perfect, gun-shooty, harmony.

Imagine a world, yeah, where like guns n’ things are spelled to match your unique living essence, and yet powerful enough to blow it out of the sky! That’s feckin beautiful, innit?

He then spent the next 25 minutes elaborately acting out hundreds of gun spellings and noises, making big or small hand gestures to match each one. The graduates exploded in laughter when “Pow! Pow!” acted out one example where he appeared to facilitate the sexual domination of a T-Rex over a Tribble.

Below is a small sample from that charade of armaments…