The second Trump term has seen unprecedented changes in society as the United States, unravels, and speeds toward a tyrannical police state with an alarming rise in unsmashed penises. Bankers, teachers, scientists, and idiots are witnessing their professional lives, and personal lives, change on a daily basis. The toll is incalculable. What many don’t know is how this is affecting America’s formerly prolific tradespeople in blue-collar crime. Once successful criminals, pillars of their underworlds, are watching as ICE takes over doing all the crime.

Killers, thugs, vermin, criminals, murderers, gangsters, serial killers, rascals, bad-guys, penis smashers, and felony jaywalkers are now on a historic strike from all criminal activity throughout the nation. Spokesman for the local criminal element, Johnny “The Willy Smasher” Blutkopf, had this to say…

“America! We never abandoned you. Why are you abandoning us?

“Until Sanity can be restored to our nation’s right to privatized, by-the-people-for-the-people, type of murder and criminal lunacy, we are going on strike. From here on out, there will be no more extrajudicial murders, muggings, assaults, clubbings, maulings, fisticuffs, breakings OR enterings, thefts, burglaries, jewel heists, getaway chases, or politically motivated skyscraper hijackings on Christmas Eve. If ICE thinks they can replace us that easily, let’s see how well they do ALL the crime without us. This move, by the government, to replace murder and criminality with a new murder task force is very insulting. Honestly, we’re beginning to think you guys don’t want us around anymore, like maybe you’re thinking: “hey, I don’t want any murders anymore. Maybe the feds will do it instead, but worse?” And that just hurts our feelings, y’know?

“If we can’t work anymore, then we will embrace the new media landscape by starting a new crime-noir podcast, called “Only Murders in Your Neighborhood.”

“With this strike underway, we have a bunch of criminally under-utilized minds willing to tell engaging stories on a bunch of totally fictional mysteries to make a few bucks. These stories are fresh, because until now, no one would dare write them down for fear of going to jail, uh… but also because they didn’t have the time to, uh.. come up with stories so dark, and scary, that they definitely can’t be true! I mean, hehe, who would even think of this stuff?! Only creative and skilled tradespeople with a lot of time suddenly on their hands.”

The above comments were delivered on the steps of the county lockup, where scores of shiftless criminals, now out of work, were released for good behavior. This is also one of the sites of criminal protest. Signs, all the way down the block to Dunkins and the bail bonds place, are protesting with slogans like:

Criminal Replacement Theory – A Manifesto

We are printing the criminal’s manifesto in its entirety. If we didn’t, we’ve been assured they could probably still find a murder to commit or a penis to smash.

We find ourselves at a dark time in America where Invaders inside our own borders, ICE, think that they can take away the hard-earned jobs of our honest American citizens, like murderers and penis-smashers. Thugs, honest and god-loving criminals, zealous pugilists, and don't forget about penis-smashers, are having their jobs outsourced by the evils of globalism and corporate backing and we're not here to stand for that.

Ask yourselves, are these not the end times, when a society's murderers, and cutpurses, are displaced by government overreach? Tell us, are we not human? If you prick us, do we not invite you to the desert in the trunk of a Buick, or create custom, cement-based orthopedics for your midnight swim in the river, or give you dancing lessons one bullet at a time? Do we not bake you a cake to die for, literally, or smash your penis?! We do!

Since when does the government think it can nationalize the business of my legitimately formed LLC, "Stabby, Smashy, Shooty & Associates?" It can't, not legally, but I'm here to tell you as innovators in capturing people, and their attention, we've found a new solution, therapeutic like, maybe even.

If you think govt overreach can do this, then maybe you don't know our complete line of custom services. Do you think Uncle Sam is going to watch you when you sleep, count your snores, collect your toenail clippings, measure your skin for a leather clutch, time you in the shower, or document your rituals of embarrassingly fornicating yourself to reruns of "Tom & Jerry?" No, they don't. Uncle Sam may watch everyone, but he doesn't focus on you with care, adoration, and obsession, not like we do, your local criminal. Our hate, or love, or misplaced feelings about our mothers and un-smashed penises, are very personal and directed at YOU!

Let's see Uncle Sam give you that level of attention! I think not.

But now! Since all our jobs are drying up, we are forced to boycott murdering and pillaging and punching and smushing and stealing candy from babies all together. And what kind of world is this? How would any of you Americans think that you'll be ready for the noise under your bed at night or for the creep just around the corner with his smasher in hand, without us?

This is our job and this is our right to do. And it's being stolen from us by the cabal of ICE and the corporate, political swamp-funded money from everyone from Elon musk to Donald Trump to dark money coming from Big Almond Butter. Those sleek, evil, and disappointingly bland, motherfuckers are driving AI technology and data centers to run on human babies, straight from the baby juicer. Why? Because Big Almond needs all the water to make almonds and turn you into smug hipsters with battery operated socks and a t-shirt that says "Both sides are equal, vote for Jill Stein."

Fucking Almond Butter! They are making sure us, decent, hard-working, criminals, phallus smushers, and honest murderers everywhere can't do our job. No sir. Now it's just being outsourced by ICE.

You know what else? We all know that when your neighborhood serial killer goes on a killing spree, we know that there's going to be a pop-up store with boutique leather, purses, smashers, and handbags from a misspelled Italia. But with ICE, there's no additional retail or community investment.

The Podcast Schedule

“America, we are boycotting crime and moving our highly honed talents to tell purely ‘fictional’ crime stories from the past few years. Instead of spraying lead bullets, we’ll be spraying mind bullets in your little ear holes, every week, on our new podcast: ‘Only Murders in Your Neighborhood.’”

• Mondays: The Case of the Cannoli Cannibal.
  • Cooking tips from the underworld’s favorite chef. You’ve never tasted this good!
• Tuesdays: Lurking on Main St.
  • Are you missing some jewelry? We probably have a story about it, a purely hypothetical story.
• Wednesdays: Where Are You Wednesdays?!
  • Trying to find someone? Send us their name and address and each episode will feature a hypothetically real-life enactment of how to track and hunt find your person. For additional donations you can request returning your person in one piece, if available, hypothetically.
• Thursdays: The Sherlock Show.
  • This is where we listen to the police scanner for clues to unsolved crimes and critique their performance. Are they close, or clueless? Find out on Thursdays!
• Fridays: Aiding and Abetting with Abe!
  • This is our call-in show where we can help you with your, purely fictional, story ideas for crime novels. Every month we pick a lucky winner to come intern for us
• Saturdays: The Free Ride.
  • Listen in as our automotive experts discuss the qualities of every automobile’s performance, feel, and ability to get in and drive off in case you forgot your keys.
• Sundays: Sammy the Shark Shakedowns
  • Sunday features authentic stories of people telling their hard-luck stories from hospital beds and emergency rooms. Listen in as bookies and bettors clash in hilarious, slice-of-life moments. Don’t forget the exciting crossovers with Wednesday’s podcast episodes!

Sponsorship

The podcast is funded by the support of listeners like you. With different tiers of funding, anything is possible!

Introductory sponsorships starts with the “Brass Knuckles” Contribution level. You too can find out under which seedy dock your husband went swimming with the fishes and forgot to come up for air.

Or, at the “Platinum” Contributors level, maybe you’ll get those jewels that went missing, perchance and mayhaps and such. These formerly employed criminals are very lucky at finding expensive, irreplaceable jewelry that went missing from your bedroom on June 8th. It’s the craziest thing!

And at their “Double Diamond” Contributors level, maybe that annoying neighbor stops being annoying, uh… because maybe they moved “up state,” NEVER to return, y’know? Wink, wink, and such like, perchance.