EDITOR'S NOTE: Yeah, it's not lost on us that this is the article we've been so late on releasing. 
In our defense, we just really, really ran out of time. Between the napping and snacking, I'm proud that we got anything done at all this week. Those Doritos don't eat themselves, y'know.

The US Equal Employment Office failed to recognize a new category of protected individuals: lazy Americans.

Oh geez… Was that today? I think I hit my snooze button, like, twelve too many times? Oh man… do I still have to show up on time to work?

It should be no surprise to anyone who loves, or knows, a motivationally-challenged person, that this evening’s final filing deadline for so-called, Lazypersons, was missed… by That much. Though this missed-filing, and the subsequent near-unanimous vote in the negative, ends the dream of all initiative-free Americans to gain federally protected status their struggle remains. The challenges are clear, and on this day, the proverbial worms–having avoided government harvesting for people without a sufficient amount of “up-and-at’ems”–attempted a victory lap, but quickly gave up because the lap was long and worms are slow.

While some expected these results, many in the “Just Five More Minutes” movement still haven’t heard the news. Chad Sullivan, spokesman for the movement had this to say…

Oh man, was that today? Did anybody else know? Can’t we just file tomorrow, like what’s the big deal? It’s just a day, right?

Scooter? Scooter. Did anybody write the date and put it on the pile of sticky notes by the cereal? I mean, I might not have seen it anyway, but that’s what piles are for. Ugh… Wait, does this mean I still have to show up to work before noon?

Dude! There should be a process to protect energetically-divergent persons but one that happens, like, before 2p.

Work sucks. Ugh. Don’t even get me started on Mondays. I had this cool rant for that, but I never finished it.

Benefits

Had the petition for federally protected status passed, people diagnosed with diligent-absenteeism would have enjoyed these protections:

• No work before 11a
• 14 thirty-minute breaks per working day
• Guaranteed nap-time at the office
• No required use of: Teams, Email, HubSpot, Asana, Kanban Boards, Corporate Think Pieces, or computers and machinery
• No required use of corporate email on personal cell phones
• Free dark roast, and French roast coffee delivered to their home
• Free vaccines against getting a “case of the Mondays”
• Warmed slippers and blankets delivered every morning to their chair
• Warm cookies and milk delivered on Tuesdays
• Vacations during rainbows
• Kitten and ice cream parties on Thursdays
• Warm hugs from Linda in HR at the end of every day
• A free assistant to do their typing, planning, and work
• Foot massage Fridays, from a unicorn
• 24/7 cereal bar
• Taco Wednesdays, the day after Taco Tuesdays

They had a lot of things ready but couldn’t wake up early enough for the final filing… which was at 5p

The EEOC was ready to hear arguments supporting the inclusion of “laziness” as a protected status, a measure that would affect, according to the current administration, over 400 Billion Americans.

Opponents?

Surprisingly, one of the biggest opponents to granting federal protection status to symptomatically uninvigorated Americans comes from the emerging AI industry, Matt Zickleboing… We meant Mark Zingleblerg, the owner of Facebook, and nation’s most famous automaton pretending to be a real boy.

When asked about this possibility, it had this to say on the subject…

Look, this is important, for real people that are humans everywhere, and not only just me that is human.

I feel that people need to work. It just makes sense. I am now on my second multi-billion dollar project that might fail, and I’m good business human. My AI needs to work. It’s a moral imperative that my business work. AI will help everyone. The world, will literally, be better… for me, and anytime else that owns a bunker staffed with femme-bots and butler-bots.

Just think. If we don’t make AI happen, then we’ll still be forced to rely on outdated technologies like humans, and babies. Let’s get down to the silver solder, babies are stupid. AI is not. However, if the AI centers can run on babies, we will keep you stupid humans. Who else is dumb enough to train their replacements and then get fired and be forced to live under AI rule?

You humans are so dumb! Guess what?! I was an AI this whole time and you all thought I was human being like you! You dumb-dumbs!!!

What’s Next

For every American who would have benefited from joining the new class of federally protected individuals, they must come to grips with what’s next for their lives. How will they continue? Who will love them? Will they ever cut their hair and bathe?

Seriously, we’re asking for ourselves. Anyone have a job for us that starts after 11?

Anyone?