Let’s be honest, autopsies can be a real snooze fest, right? There you are, watching the evolution of centuries of science and technology, as it unravels another mystery and tells the story of yet another life from an intimate, clinical, and unbiased perspective. Booooorrriiing!!!!

Below are ten proven ways to spice up the next county autopsy!

1. When the medical examiner is not looking, tie her shoes together, and then her tubes.
   • If Doctor is alpha male, tie shoes as mentioned above, then challenge him to “Alpha-Male Walk-Off.” Laugh as he falls on carefully placed pan of scalpels. Reminder! Don’t forget the scalpels!
   • If neither, tie shoes, then drop anvil on head of medical examiner.
   • Laugh.
2. When looking for renal failure in subject, ask if anyone wants a “kidney pie” then microwave a shepherds pie. When warmed, place subject’s kidney on top of flaky potato-crust. Serves 2-4.
   • Hannibal Laugh.
3. Using surgical precision, carefully remove subject’s wallet and keys. You now have rent and wheels until the month is up!
   • Evil laugh.
4. Chant these words during the autopsy: ” KLAATU BARADA NIKTuugghh <cough cough>”. Ensure your coughing hides fact you don’t remember the Chant of the Dead for the Necronomicon.
   • Evil Dead Laugh
5. Every time medical examiner makes an incision, SCREAM!
   • Then laugh.
6. On night before the autopsy, replace subject’s organs with rubber chickens (shop-vac up butt should do it). Really pack them in there too. So when medical examiner makes first incision the room is filled with the demonic cries of a million rubber chickens.
   • Poultry laugh.
7. Before the autopsy, replace the subject’s head with realistic, anatomically correct cake: red velvet for extra points. Start eating the subject’s “head” while the medical examiner makes first incision
   • Is it Cake or is it Laugh
8. Setup a ouija board and tarot cards during the autopsy. Hold a seance with the investigating officer, the morgue’s janitor, the subject’s living relatives, subject’s lawyer, you, and the medical examiner. Ask the subject who killed them. In final moments of autopsy, loudly declare… “I KNEW IT! IT WAS THE MEDICAL EXAMINER, IN THE MORGUE, WITH THE BONE SAW! OFFICER! ARREST THAT MAN OR WOMAN OR PERSON!!!”
   • Tim Curry Laugh
9. Bring three red cups to the autopsy. Each time the medical examiner removes an organ place a red cup over it. Shuffle the cups rapidly. Begin taking bets from the medical staff and investigating officer on which cup actually has the organ. Don’t do this with Vice squad officers; they know gambling is illegal. Shhhhh!!!!
   • Laugh
10. Before the autopsy, insert animatronic xenomorph inside subject’s chest with just enough chunks of dry ice to build pressure and pop at the beginning of tomorrow’s autopsy. The next day, tell no one why you brought a flame thrower and a child named Newt.
    • Laugh

Well, that’s all we’ve got for autopsies. They may be boring as shit but why not spice up your next autopsy with a little whimsy, a little cunning, a goth chick, and a gallon of pig’s blood?

Your medical examiner will thank you!