On Monday, Bank of America (BOA) announced a shift in operations, from banking and fiscal fiendishness, to pursuing its true bliss: masturbating to deranged, pearl-clutching, anime-based, octopus porn. All financial arms and subsidiaries will be redirected to this new venture. Each corporate division will tackle a different aspect and create a complete vertical integration of products and services focusing on spreading the joy of masturbating to octopus porn.
Bank of America announced that all accounts will be transitioned to accounts on the company’s new portal:
(editors note: yeah... maybe don't go to that site. Seriously, we didn't test it. So... just don't go).
The current cash value of the assets in each account will be converted to an exciting, new currency, called the “wanktacle,” backed by tentacles, and masturbation.
Say What?
At a time of great strife, and ever-growing woe, Bank of America chose this bold time in the history of human awakening to pursue pure bliss, it’s childhood dream, to masturbate to highly troubling, extremely-violent, octopus porn.
As it happens, a life in banking was exactly what Bank of America needed to realize how to live a life of passion and bliss. In order to succeed it needed to monetize masturbation and introduce a commodity backed currency.
This is an exciting time in tentacle backed currencies. With global finances recklessly converting to competing electronic blockchains, we figured this was an excellent time to introduce a stable currency backed by TWO commodities: octopus tentacles, and masturbation.
People love seafood, and orgasms. The pairing seemed obvious.
To further the strength of the currency, the commodities that back the wanktacle are both renewable resources. That’s why your prior cash investment with us will go toward creating relaxing, joy-filled octopus aquariums, and modern, sleek, community-oriented masturbation centers.
— Hap Pymowns, PhD, SVP Global Currencies, Markets, & Commodity Harvests
I’m Disturbingly Intrigued. Go On…
Moving forward, every former banking branch of Bank of America will be converted to the new “Wank Bank of America” branding. The company’s new mascot, Wankie the Wanktacle, will greet customers with a free octopus tentacle, a 4oz bottle of seafood scented lotion, a hand towel, and a DVD of “Fill Me Up Octodaddy IV – Suction Blasters.”
Various former BOA headquarters locations will be converted to support the vertical integration supply chain plan.
All West Coast locations will pivot from focusing on Asian currency markets to the growing and harvesting of octopus tentacles, and importing of exclusive and overtly grotesque anime porn from Japanese govt liaisons. East Coast locations will perform multiple tasks: getting the Wanktacle listed on global markets, exporting tentacles and masturbation to European markets, and running clearinghouses to ensure the Wanktacle is backed by enough tentacles and masturbation to keep market integrity high. Central US locations will largely handle logistics and selling the US Heartland on masturbation harvesting centers, without which the Wanktacle’s double-commodity backed promise would crash, creating another global depression by removing access to tentacles, and masturbation.
Certain specialty markets will experiment with different flavors of troubling anime porn. Toronto will promote Poutine Hentai. Munich will focus on replacing the phallic tentacle with locally sourced sausage blends no shorter than 10 yards. Moscow will experiment with animated porn featuring sexually adventurous track suits and gold chains violating women in night clubs.
When? WHEN?!?
According to the Interim Spokesperson of Tentacular Sexuality and Securities, Jeb Wanksman VI, 90% of investors and 100% of depositors will have their currencies and assets automatically converted from acknowledged fiat to an agreeable exchange rate worth of Wanktacle.
We’re happy to announce that your money is safe. We’ve taken it!
Now you can access your Wanktacle deposits by visiting our community-oriented masturbation centers! You get a free tentacle with every visit.
We, at Wank Bank of America, are happy to provide you access to our childhood dream of masturbating to unnecessarily bizarre anime tentacle porn!
— Jeb Wanksman VI, Interim Spokesperson of Tentacular Sexuality and Securities
Is This Good?
A few industry insiders were surprised about the change in business focus, and especially the abruptness of it. Yet many, in the know, were only surprised it didn’t happen sooner. One of our sources, the only child of the CEO of Bank of America, chose to remain anonymous when giving this statement:
I’m not surprised. Dad, the current CEO of Bank of America, always taught me, ummm… John Doe (nailed it), about the overlap between global finances and the exciting world of anime octopus tentacle porn. During breakfast, or at bedtime, I learned how banking is just the real-world expression of violent tentacle-porn but in terms of banking. Yeah, dad might worship Cthulhu and the works of Toshio Maeda and Katsushika Hokusai, and that’s definitely a problematic conversation at our home in The Hamptons (on 1000 Dollar Dr, The Hamptons), but things get really weird when Uncle Vought comes over and discusses Projects 2025, 26, and 27 aka, “Trump Tentacle Snoring Porn“.
— “John Doe”, Anonymous Source, only child of BOA CEO
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