Gerald B. Perchorak, an emotionally crippled, divorced, overweight,  balding, 5′ 5” absentee-father in his mid-fifties, with $200 to his name, and a sty on his left eye in the shape of Chile, was arrested last week for two counts of Involuntary Lame-Stalking. He was gently escorted from a special screening of the soon-to-be-released Dune 3, at which Zendaya, her husband (Tom… something), their twin yorkies (Toaster, and Strüdel), and their combined families attended. At the time of his arrest Perchorak was seen trying to sneak his Zendaya-print, executive, full-body pillow into the screening as well. It’s believed he intended to swap his Zendaya-pillow with the real Zendaya who is a human and also not a pillow. As he was being pulled away, bystanders could hear Perchorak yell out: “We were meant to be! I saw it in the pillow! The pilloooowwww!!”

The story gets weirder from here.

How it All Started

2015 was a miraculous time in entertainment: Netflix was reasonable, people laughed at global pandemics, and we were still deciding our besties based on the case of Seinfeld v Friends. It was also a time when Zendaya (then unknown outside of Disney circles) was taking a break from stardom to try her hand in roofing entrepreneurship. This is where the story begins.

Perchorak first met the unassuming and incognito actress as she was installing the substrate on the house of Perchorak’s neighbor, Zan Jazzlebrazz (no relation to Dwayne Johnson). Earlier that summer, Zendaya finished a collaboration with Timbaland, and was about to lay down tracks for a third album with then Chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank (and blossoming hip-hop artist), Janet Yellen, (known by her stage name as Dolla Dolla Fed’Ye) but the two, strong personalities reportedly clashed in the studio over a fiery love triangle involving Danny DeVito. Tempers flared so high that Zendaya was forced to take a break from stardom to become Miami’s second-highest rated roofer of kids 12-20. Though she rarely discusses her time in roofing, this is where Zendaya earned her first million dollars and also where she and Perchorak crossed paths. Insider sources also tell us that Zendaya and Janet Yellen have not made up all these years later.

That day, when Perchorak noticed the scrappy go-getter on his neighbor’s roof, was another wintry day in Miami. A blizzard was expected to roll in late that evening, on June 2nd. Perchorak stepped out of his car, bundled in a pea-coat and muffler, having safely arrived home from work. Before walking into his house, he heard banging on his neighbor’s roof and looked up and was immediately impressed with the exquisite dormer, eave, soffit, and ridge of the neighbor’s new roof. Muttering quietly to himself, he was also smitten with the rugged hands of the roofer. How feminine, yet rough with tendon and muscles packed like cordwood into her sensually grasping claw-like phalanges. She could work a nailgun like a Roman at a crucifixion.

“Hello” he said, and “Hello to thee, appreciator of quality roofing solutions!” she replied.

“Hey! That’s great roofing. Makes me think you’ve got ‘it’ y’know? You should be in pictures, kid! Maybe you’re even good enough to remake DUNE or do one of those Spider-Man pictures.” Perchorak then responded.

“I’ll think about it!” And this time Zendaya, looking to the sky as snowflakes landed on her lashes, had a twinkle in her eye like she just might consider doing moving-pictures some day.

“Since you’ll be famous some day, do you know where I can find a bespoke pillowsmith?” Perchorak asked.

“No.” she replied. “I like coffee!”

“By God, I rather come to think I’m falling for you and that one day I’ll stalk you, but in a bizarrely genteel manner, my good lady!”

But the Fates intervened, and Zendaya did not hear this profession of affection. She was already atop the neighbor’s roof again, soffiting a fascia over a ridge with the gable, and doing nails with shingle-things on wood with hammer. Alas, despite being an expert roofer, Zendaya was terrible at listening for moments of auspicious foreboding.

Seems Normal So Far. Then What Happened?

This is where the story gets really weird.

In terms of this ill-fated, supposedly one-sided love story, the year is now 2026, and the date was last Thursday. Eleven years passed and with it the history of a world of loves, losses, breakups, and makeups, with each collecting a little more cosmic dust over time. Some loves, however, do not fade like Doritos bags left in the sun. Instead, like Calliope, whose yearning for love and freedom only grew by year and by absence, Perchorak’s own feelings for that waifish roofer blossomed like a Bloomin Onion baked at 375° for 20 minutes: tender, crispy, and bad for the heart if consumed in one sitting.

For years, Perchorak would watch Zendaya from afar, scheming of the best way to reintroduce himself. Should he buy her a palette of shingles, or a hammer? Women do like a guy that notices the little things, and remembers. “Maybe I’ll get her a dozen Venus Fly Traps, to symbolize how she captured my heart! And a pillow, because pillows remind me of boobs and I like those.”

But, tragedy struck Perchorak during those eleven years. Time, woe, and carrion crow, ravaged all of Perchorak’s life plans, self-worth, physique, and sense of belonging in a cruel world. What started as a naive journey trying to extend his vehicle’s warranty snowballed into a life of neglect, depravity, and bad-life choices. By morning, Perchorak would snort two lines of crushed Short Bread cookies from the Girlie Scouts and chase it with a special mix of whole milk, blended hot-dogs, Tide Pods, and tussin. But he never forgot his love and he would regularly watch her from alleyway garbage bins. Below is an excerpt from his upcoming novel: “Full-Body Pillow: My Life as a Genteel Celebrity Stalker.”

There she was, just sitting there, all alone with her hubby, wishing for a man that would make her laugh, exactly the way her husband (Tom Hiddleston, or maybe Tom Hanks? Or Tom Denmark?) does, and to take her away from the loneliness of her emotionally present and sexually generous husband, their supportive extended-family, their probably Italian (or Icelandic-Maltese) meemaws, their various giraffe & peacock ranches, and their armed escorts. My heart breaks for her that she has to endure that isolation among so many people that bring her joy. Like wow… y’know?!

Look at how she laughs every time her husband makes a joke. See how her eyes light up? She’s definitely thinking of me, that guy from 9+ years ago.

Oh No! How Did it End?

92-year-old retired, executive pillowsmith, Jack Perchorak, has loved his son from the very first day baby Gerald drew breath and farted on the delivery nurses. Jack knew, in that moment, his son would grow to be strong, independent, and not take no guff from nobody not no-how no-way, especially no lady-female with her lady-arms and super-strong lady-fingers. Like all tragic stories though, Life dealt the Perchoraks two blows when the son fell to the madness of that lady-roofer. Gary lost his mind, and Jack lost his son. Enough was enough. Jack had to save his son from the evil clutches of a former roofer, turned acting celebrity, who by all accounts is a generally lovely person.

The elder Perchorak saw his chance to save his son at the upcoming Dune 3 preview. He knew Gerald was going to attempt swapping the real Zendaya for a high-quality, executive, Zendaya-print, full-body pillow. He’d seen it done millions of times: Amelia Earhardt, the Lindbergh Baby, Tom Hank’s son, Kanye, many astronauts that won’t keep quiet about the moon landings. Oh, and Billy Zane for a time, but he escaped and came back as a fashion idol, which inspired the popular saying: “When Zane is off the chain, the pain goes down the drain!”

So he called the police.

The younger Perchorak was taken away to the Federal Asylum for the Criminally Lame. The cells there are filled with the worst kind of repeat jaywalking offenders, bill posters, and mattress tag removers. The story of Gerald is believed to have ended here.

Once the son was safely in jail, the father’s notes were found during nursing rotations. The first note was:

1. Now that my rotten son is out of the way I can finally wine and dine Zendaya and make her realize she has a great 6 – 8 month future with me evil laugh evil laugh okay now I need to make a plan

He was immediately arrested also.

So All is Good…?

Years later, authorities would wonder if they caught the younger Perchorak in time. Did they actually stop the swap? They thought they did, but reports of disturbances came in over the years from the home of the celebrity, and her acting peers. Her on-screen performances, despite winning her 5 Academy Awards, seemed “puffy” and “like it had a high thread count” compared to her earlier performances. It was most noticeable on later seasons of Euphoria, where her character was mostly seen laying on beds with her scene partners often using her to rest their heads on. It was never something tangible that people could describe except Tom Something, her husband. He once called 911, complaining that someone from a different MCU universe swapped his wife with a highly-believable, executive, full body pillow, because her skin was “silkier than normal.” Tom never recovered. He eventually played “Dung Beetle Man” in a student knockoff of the MCU.