Two guys are hanging out on a couch, just watching TV. The walls are decorated with crosses and paintings of saints. The lights are dim, there’s an empty pizza box on the coffee table in front of them. It smells fairly of sardines. Ugh, it’s always “fish this, fish that” with the second guy.

The first guy is wearing all white with a close, white beard and pale skin. He speaks many languages. The other guy is layered in muscle, like a competitive lumberjack but sporting billowing robes. His beard is gray, stormy, like his eyes. His voice sounds faintly of thunder. Atop his head is a mane of wild, thick hair. It too is gray yet stronger seemingly than existence itself–which is an odd thing to notice about someone since it’s such an ambiguously existential observation with no provable metric. Yet, his hair is luxurious in the way that night is silk over a sea of stars. Paul Mitchell would kneel to his better, for sure.

Hey, let’s get back to billowing robes and beard part, though. Yes, they are billowing, actively, and yet all the windows are closed and no fans are blowing. That’s weird, right?

The TV is on, and the two guys are watching “Love is Blind”on Netflix.

So the Pope says “beer me” and God snaps his fingers. Poof! The Pope is magically holding a fresh can of ice-cold Natty Light. He chuckles… “Never gets old.”

“Bro,” harks the Lord, “Why not just get some more from the Vatican fridges? This place is mondo luxe.”

“Can’t, Lord-Bro. Netflix raised their rates again. It was either brewskis or Love is Blind, and I KNOW how much like you watching people be dumbshits.”

“True dat, true dat, Papal-Bro, but wait. Can Netflix just raise rates on people without consent? Isn’t that, like, theft? I literally made a pretty important rule about that, right?”

“You sure did! It’s a really popular rule and you did it justice, what with the Moses and the stone tablets and the scary thunder voice. That was a 10/10 peak ‘His Holiness’ moment. Very toight. But, businesses invented something called Terms and Conditions. And it’s a genius piece of evil and debauchery. It’s basically a clever combination of fine print bundled with an important service.”

“Duuude. That’s EEEEEVIL, Bro-tifex Maximus!”

“Indeed, Your Most High Broliness. What do you want to do about it? BTW… how’s the new outdoor pool going?”

God’s Speaks to Humanity

“Waiteth! Am I, your Lord God, Deliverer Of The Heavens, Maker Of All Dominion, Deity with the Greyest of Beards and most Alpha of Muscles, being out-tithed by Netflix?”

In a recent sermon from the Vatican, Pope Leo XIV bemoaned the poor state of corporate greed, and also the sorely needed outdoor pool in God’s Ibiza getaway.

Beloved children of Holy Mother Church, my heart is heavy as I behold the sorrowful state of faith and religion. The fervor that once burned brightly in the hearts of the faithful now wanes like a limp gym sock without the Foot of Faith to fill it. Many kneel in outward devotion yet rise through hydraulic assistance, chasing the vanities of the world on their phones while neglecting the salvation of their souls. Beyond these earthen walls, kingdoms crumble through pride, malice, and an over reliance on greedy streaming services. The poor cry out unheard because they can’t afford the Make Your Voice Heard to God™®© app (now available in the Vatican AppStore), and even within the Church some forget that authority is a sacred burden, not a touchscreen for comfort. Quoth the Lord from my recent communion with our Holy Father: 

“Pestilence, famine, Teslas, video streaming, and war are not without meaning — they are the bitter harvest of a people who have begged for more seasons of Game of Thrones when you should have been kneeling before the throne of my game. Who else, but the heavenly and royal I, could have impregnated Mary from a different dimension? None else.  For your Lord Almighty, got game.“

Yet even in this age of digital madness, the mercy of God has not withdrawn. Christ calls to His scattered flock, urging them to cast aside greed (Netflix), sloth (Disney+ Hulu digital saver pack), and pride (Amazon Prime), and to return with contrite hearts, hungry to stream the Lord into your hearts.

So let it be known, children of Heaven, that God is good, and has a plan for your salvation, and the completion of the outdoor pool in God’s Ibiza getaway. To complete this work, and improve Earth, and increase the Prayer Bandwidth Network (which hasn’t been touched since the first strings attached to cans were laid into the Earth), and take a nice vacation, God will be increasing the monthly subscription tithe.

And here I quoth, again, directly from the Lord:

“Waiteth! Am I, your Lord God, Deliverer Of The Heavens, Maker Of All Dominion, Deity with the Greyest of Beards and the most Alpha of Muscles, being out-tithed by Netflix? Me damn it! We’ll see who can arbitrarily raise subscription rates faster, Netflix!“

So sayeth the Lord. Amen.

Netflix Responds

In response to the Lord’s message, Netflix released this statement just days later:

If Exodus grants God all first born humans and animals, then we’ll take all remaining children that weren’t a disappointment to their parents. We should also note that if God continues in this particular battle, and his ratings don’t seriously improve, then we’ll be forced to cancel the 2027 season of Christianity.

However, if God is interested, we’d be happy to help him maximize his monthly tithe income by creating a new Terms and Conditions statement for Christianity. All we ask for in exchange is first rights on a new, scripted series titled, Jesus H(eart) Christ. It’s a reality show where twelve single, attractive women (the Apostlettes) compete for the affection of Jesus and the chance to be his bride.