This episode of "Potatoes Today" aired in 2010. It introduced Sarah Weissfrau, her geriatric, wily brand of hostin' and hoein', and her cats, to the US. Potatoes Today lasted for two episodes on HGTV before being replaced with "Girl Bosses Bryitneigh and Mugkaieyulleigh Brynhuntleigh Sorority House Flipper Sisters for Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior Bless His Name and Vast Fortune Amen," which lasted ten years despite neither sister doing any actual work on a house, ever.

Everyone knows that age-old adage that says: “You can’t apologize to your wife with diamonds without first cheating on her.” But, heck, you know what? I think that’s just plain wrong, you betcha I do. And you wanna know how to quickly get out of these pesky situations? Okay, I’ll give you a hint; it starts with “pot” and ends with…

Hi, I’m Sarah Weissfrau, and welcome to “Potatoes Today.”

Oh wait a minute you kids! Did I say “pot?” Well, if that don’t spud my britches, I don’t know what will?!

Oh shoot, where was I?

Potatoes! That’s it.

…

Well. That’s it for “Potatoes Today!” Thanks for listening to our show. It’s been really “eye” opening. Oh! I do make myself laugh.

I’d like to thank our sponsors: Rushin’ Hackerz, and…

What’s that, Hank? Hey y’all, I’m being told to shut my clam by Hank, the show’s producer.

What’s that Hank, 55 more? Whadouyamean there’s a whole show left to do? I can’t do another show; I’ve gotta get home to my cats. They watch me when I sleep, donchya know?

We’ve only done five minutes of the show? Oh, well, it did seem short. So, what’s left?

The WHOLE show? That’s what’s left?

Did we do the potato thing?

Oh, okay. Did they like that? We didn’t?!

Okay… Oh, did we do the cheating on your hussy of a wife thing, Hank? Do people still call her BMX, for all the tricks they can do with her?

It’s NOT about your wife? Will geez! Excuse me!! I saw “hussy wife” in today’s description and I just thought we were finally dealing with…

Oh, it’s about other people’s wives? Should we do yours instead though? She really is a hussy and you could cheat on her with me anytime you want to you know. I’d rock your little socks off there, oh yes I would. You didn’t know this, of course how could you, but when I was in college at the East Berlin University of Standing In Line, they taught me to be a fickenjhümpen. Oh yeah, it certainly helped me find a job, make money, and stand in line I tell you what!

Oh yes Hank, spelled like it sounds, with a silent ‘j.’

Well it was popular back then, yes it was.

Oh yeah… those were the good times. I was a line stander by day, and a real knockout hussy by night! Gosh yes I was!! I may be 70 and toothless now, by golly, but I see you’re interested, or at least part of you is curious. You know what they say about a hussy with no teeth?

That’s not funny Hank. I won’t repeat that, and no, they don’t say that… anymore.

Oh well. We had fun back then. That’s when I met the love of my life, and I don’t mean penicillin!! So, what do you say Hank? You, me, some potatoes? You look like you could break my back, but in a good way!

Oh geeze! What?! I said “in a good way!”

Well, okay, geez-louise Hank! I just thought I’d ask. It’s just I’ve never seen so many hotdogs fall into a black hole as I did that one time your wife bent over at a movie theater to tie her shoes. I’d never seen a vagina with so much gravity, for weiners. It has weiner gravity Hank! Weiners just fell into her. Men were flying over the aisles to, well, you nevermind that now.

Okay! Okay! I won’t bring it up again.

Okey-dokey. Are we on the air yet, back from commercial? Can you imagine if they heard all this?

… Come again?

We never?

It was? Always?

Even the fickenjhümpen? With the silent ‘j?’

…

Welcome back everyone! Do you have a hussy for a wife? Did you cheat on her and for some reason you want to apologize to her? Have you thought about giving her a diamond to make everything better?

Well don’t! Hussies don’t get diamonds! Ask Hank’s wife. If she doesn’t want Hank’s D, why would she get any gosh darn diamonds? But you still have to get her something, don’t ya Hank? You did cheat on her with that librarian. Oh she’s a snack Hank. Good for you! I bet you got her decimals all Dewey! Ooh! Even I’m getting a bit humid don’t ya know?! It’s about to rain in this jungle Hank, and this beaver needs some wood to stop these waters!!

Watch out Hank!

… fine.

Right, okay. Anyway. Where were we? Yes!

Did you cheat on your wife but she doesn’t deserve diamonds as an apology? Try potatoes!! Potatoes are nature’s best way of apologizing. Potatoes are versatile gifts, yes they are. They can be eaten, or put in the earth!

Oh! Here’s a fun fact with a shout out to our listener who goes by, definitely_not_bin_laden_69420. Did you know potatoes and can be used as creative munitions as well?!

Hank, do you ever wonder how Martha Stewart would decorate a potato munition? Well I do. I was just thinking about that last night as the cats opened the door to my room and I mysteriously fell asleep looking into a hundred tiny eyes…

…

And that’s why potatoes are perfect for every romantic and martial occasion!

Yes Hank, I can read. It doesn’t say “marital.” Well there’s nothing very marital about shooting a potato at your hussy wife’s car is there, Hank?

Oh, of course that was me! You belong with the librarian. She’s got a nice ass Hank. If you don’t shoot your shot, well I think I’ll just have to put my teeth in, clean the dust from my bra, and powder my lady bits, because she’s a snack.

… well hurry up then Hank. Oh! Maybe she’s listening now!

Thanks for listening to our show. “Potatoes Today” is brought to you by “Fauxfu.” Fauxfu, when serving tofu is important to keep appearances but you secretly need more bacon. Try Fauxfu! Fauxfu is not recommended for Bar Mitzvahs or Bat Mitzvahs, but is recommended for times when you need to cater a yoga retreat or attend a potluck in Portland, OR.

What do you mean there’s more show Hank?

I just introduced our second sponsor. Oh yeah. I just love Fauxfu. I was able to track and tap my seventh husband that with it… Y’know a while ago.

Well yeah, we talked about your hussy wife and how to apologize with potatoes.

We didn’t?

Oh geeze oh geeze… Okay. Well it’s easy Hank! It’s gosh darn obvious is what it is! Any romantic gift has to say “I love you.”

Look everyone, I need to get home to my cats. They turn the stove on if I’m gone too long. Here’s what you do…

Get a knife and carve this romantic message into the potato…

Roses are red, your eye is blue.

It doesn’t matter who cheated on who. 

I throw this potato at you.

Ladies like hard to get men, so throw this at her, then drive away.

And you’re welcome!

No Hank! I have to go.

Thanks for listening to “Potatoes Today!” Today’s episode is brought to you by BrightBulb. BrightBulb, even dummies deserve good ideas some of the time. We’re the best idea you’re about to have, as long as you focus, foooocus. Shit. BrightBulb, we’ll try again next time.

Next time on “Potatoes Today,” did you microwave fish at work? Potatoes can make it all better, with a little help from chloroform.

We’ll see you then, even if you don’t see us!!