Claude Gemini Grok, the online educated epidemiologist whose work was misidentified in the original White House MAHA report, has graciously and fictitiously chosen to disclose his actual report to our board of expert numerologists and astrologists for peer review. He studies the negative effects of epidermises on childhood anxiety. His work shapes the thinking of policy makers concerned with outbreaks of illness at state and national levels.

So, what was Mr. Grok studying and what did it have to do with children being healthier and behaving less like jerks? In an unexpected loss for progressive scientific thought, Mr. Grok found a correlation between sleep, anxiety, 5Gs, and scientific studies. The title of the Grok’s paper is “The Shocking Connection Between Smacking Children with Cellphones at Bedtime and Their Anxiety Levels in Scientific Studies.“

Educate yourself and read the report below…

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The Shocking Connection Between Smacking Children with Cellphones at Bedtime and Their Anxiety Levels in Scientific Studies

Abstract

This study investigates a troubling link between 5Gs, anxiety, sleep quality, and even the very foundation of science itself!¹

The study authors are concerned with how negatively 5Gs can impact childhood anxiety and sleep. Are our children even safe to participate in society or scientific studies if they are getting troubling amounts of 5G exposure? We discovered a shocking realization. When children were exposed to more 5Gs during bedtime, their levels of anxiety in scientific studies increased significantly². An important part of our study was to invent a humane way to deliver all the 5Gs without harming the study participants, much. This precluded the use of vaccine technology which contains unhealthy levels of 5G radions (the smallest unit of 5G). In fact, many vaccines sometimes require multiple 5Gs to affix a health matrix onto biological vorticinals³. The seasonal flu vaccine can contain as many as 45Gs which are then injected directly into the squishy body bits. Because of this our study chose to safely contain the 5Gs inside their original containers: cellphones.

Methods

Participants

Our sample size was 50 children, aged 6–32, were “recruited” from community playgrounds in big, white vans supplied by the HHS. The participants were randomly assigned to two equal groups (n = 25 per group): (a) those that were beaten by cellphones taped to sticks by researchers dressed as clowns, (b) and those that were given cookies at bedtime by both their still-married parents.

Procedure

Our experimental design compares two groups of children.

Cellphone Smacking Group: In this protocol, these children were sent to bed every night without supper. Once in bed, the children were smacked with devices called “5G Science Paddles” until they fell asleep. These paddles are designed by taping the old, indestructible Nokia phones onto kayaking paddles and then beating the children. To maintain a non-threatening experience, the beatings were lovingly administered by researchers dressed in child friendly clown paint and wigs. The researchers were encouraged to laugh during the sessions to help children feel safe. Their emotional safety was of paramount importance to the HHS staff, so all children were tied to their beds to recreate the feeling of being hugged.

Control Group: Children in the control group experienced a traditional and calming bedtime routine with soothing activities and repaired mommies and daddies who stopped their infidelities and learned how to focus on their children in new homes and new clothes and few healthcare.

The children in the placebo group were administered a routine of cookies before bed and getting tucked-in while their mothers and fathers quietly sang lullabies until they fell asleep. To ensure no undue influence from parent stresses influencing the placebo routine, each parent was detoxed from alcohol and sluts and then given a new home and govt stipend to repair their marriage for the kids.

Measures

We created an exciting new unit to measure the bedtime anxiety of children, called the Bedtime Anxiety Measure (BAM)—an instrument to “measure” anxiety in these tests that also sounds a lot like the test being administered. The BAM uses a scale from 0 (no anxiety) to 100 (velcroed to padded walls).

Statistical Analyses

Our results had so many data about science results for science!

Results

The data suggests a statistically significant increase in anxiety of a child’s desire to participate in scientific studies inside the cellphone smacking group. We invested so much money into science that we event spent money on tables INSIDE the study report! Look, if this isn’t a sign of how 2-legit-2-quit we are, then definitely step-off brah and just enjoy these tasty tables of numbers that are totally real.

Study Group	BAM Rating	Science	BAM Score	Standard Deviants	Legit	MAHA Score
5G Paddle	“awesome”	yes	69.420!	Nothing standard about these deviants	2-legit-2-quit!	3 Trumps
Placebo	“boring”	Tue & Wed	2	n/a	lame	1 Kenyan Obama

Discussion

Our research was going really well until we brought in the shit-throwing, howler monkeys. Those really made the children nervous and unresponsive to further participation in scientific studies.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t raise enough money to pursue this line of research further. Our other research into jello shaped dildos and their effect on politicians is also losing funding. However, data suggests that while 5Gs have an adverse effect on the ability of children to participate in future scientific studies, we also think that monkeys with bleeding eyes and knives for anuses will also have an adverse effect on children. This may be a bigger danger than 5Gs, but we don’t have the data to prove this yet.⁴

References? Yes. References.

1. Kennedy, R. F. Jr. (2025). Factual Pseudo-Science: The Impact of Trying to Bullshit a Nation with Bullshit. Journal of East Carolina Science and Gimmick Journal, 1(1), 1–10. 
2. Kennedy, R. F. Jr. (2025). Sensational Science: How to Get Elected by Helping Children Die. Misery Business Quarterly, 12(3), 45–53.
3. McMahaon, Linda et al (2024). How WWE Political Techniques Cured Intelligence. Hocus-Pocus & Dingus-Wingus Chronicle of Hucksterism, 34(85), 20-4839
4. Kennedy, R. F. Jr. (2025). Why Has No One Studied the Danger of Monkeys with Knives for Anuses on Our Children and are They More Dangerous Than Vaccines or 5Gs? White House & FDA Report on Various Animals with Knives for Anuses, 4(48), 4-48