“Did you know England is governed by a Monarchy butterfly? That’s crazy! I wonder if that’s why they speak Japanese, because Tokyo has Mothra?”

A compulsive masturbator that, before signing up for the PBR OnlyFans, didn’t even remember the words “Monarchy” or “England.”

It’s no secret the confluence of the  government’s reduction in educational spending, and the internet’s continual pornification of daily life creates droves of testosterone-fueled zombie simulacra–drooling husks staring into their phones in one hand, and angrily masturbating with the other. These “zombiejacks” and “zombiejills” sometimes work themselves so furiously that they’ve been known to die by accidental suicide, a self-induced conflagration caused by unprecedented, frictional vortices.

It’s estimated that 1/10 people had a friend or loved one randomly explode at brunch or the office. As deaths mount, education is dwindling. Enter PBS and NPR, two organizations fighting against the approaching shores of boundless stupidity. To push back against this fresh wave of idiocy, PBS & NPR are creating a joint educational task force known as PBR. We reached out to Gail Kablunkergron, Head Outreach Liaison of the PBR Blue Ribbon Education Task Force, to comment on the dwindling access to government funding and creative ways to educate new audiences.

Said Kablunkergron…

At first we did this to offset the federal funding we lost this year. So many public institutions are under attack in this new administration we knew we needed to find a way to keep the lights on. On April 14 we helped launch a new site on a crowdfunding platform. Have you heard of OnlyFans? It’s a place where artisans, craftspersons, and personalities can generate crowd-sourced funding. Have you been before? It’s wild and we learned a lot. We definitely picked a crowd-funding site with LOTS of members, so that’s good. Yeah, yeah… You know what we weren’t prepared for? All the dick pics. So many unsolicited pictures of penises, some in hats or with mittens, and some with full stage lighting and tiny guitars or ukuleles low slung around them sporting eighties metal wigs and makeup with leather jackets. It was really impressive once you got past the shock factor. And then some got into the spirit of what we do. After our NOVA livestreams, y’know where we talk about the universe, many people sent pictures of penises dressed up as rockets flying through twin planets–sometimes forested and sometimes not–circling the rims of some tight and bleached black holes for scientific exploration. One went too far when it tried to illustrate the effects of Hawking radiation escaping from a tight, little black hole. We haven’t been unable to see that since…

It’s not really where we saw ourselves at 55 years old. But you do what you can with what you have, right? Yeah… yeah…

This forced some of our staff to question if OnlyFans was the right choice for crowd sourced funding, but when we found the “Sec Def War Secrets” channel we realized this is where everything was headed.

Gail Kablunkergron, Head Outreach Liaison of the PBR Blue Ribbon Education Task Force

One of the PBR’s most ardent supporters and vocal subscribers (username: slurp-n-slide-6969) recently twitch-podded about his first experience with learning. We believe he’s referencing his first time learning as a zombiejack, instead of just his first time learning anything. We were unable to confirm this.

Said slurp-n-slide-6969…

Dude… I completely forgot that Earth was even a planet. Whoa… Like, there I was, y’know, straight choking my chicken for like the, twelfth straight hour, when I saw this really weird, but totally hot, picture pop-up on my computer, right? And at first, I couldn’t be bothered, like, at all. I was about to start the climax countdown as I approached the last hour of my morning routine. But I checked the ad again and BAM! These beautiful sci-fi titties were on my screen, they were like all different colors. One was blue and green with puffy, white areas, another was a darker red except at the nipple where it was all white. One was a little bigger than the other too, y’know, totally lifelike. They were massive too and I lost it right there. Kaboom!! Uhh, Ground Control to Splooge Orbital, we have ignition! Gnarly right? Then I fell asleep because duh. But after I woke up, I put my glasses on and saw words. Words?? In porn? This was pretty kinky I thought, but you know me, yeah… I’m down to clown, y’know? But as I started reading the words, it wasn’t sex at all bro! No… It was… leeeearrrrniiiing. Check this, those bodacious space-boobs… WERE ACTUALLY SOMETHING CALLED PLANETS! Oh man, it blew my mind, AND my shlongkowski! Also… did you know that there’s life on Earth? Like What?!?! How crazy is that?! Oh man, I might pass my science test if I keep checking out that new sci-fi porn channel on OnlyFans. I’m definitely subscribing!!! Dude, people will think I’m so smart!

Thanks PBR!! That sure was some blue-ribbon learning!

But it hasn’t always been easy making the transition to a crowd-funded, media broadcasting platform. The PBR Blue Ribbon Education Task Force, while no strangers to asking for money, were forced to reconcile old strategies with new technologies and paradigms that only OnlyFans can present. Some programming had to change, or be removed altogether…

Said Kablunkergron…

Some of our programming absolutely had to change. After our very first Livestream of “Sesame Street” we received a level of filthy comments that was as inventive as it was depraved & shameless. We had a team of priests, shamans, preachers, and Zulu spirit warriors perform rites of exorcism on every, fucking, computer we had… which didn’t work. We couldn’t forget what we saw and read. Then we tried directly applying bleach to our eyes based on a reddit thread recommendation. Also, spoiler alert, that did not work… and some of us didn’t survive. Lastly, we tried something called an IT technician. Apparently all we needed was some software, and network thingy, and a hefty support contract. This forced some of our staff to question if OnlyFans was the right choice for crowd sourced funding, but when we found the “Sec Def War Secrets” channel we realized this is where everything was headed.

We have since updated our offerings. “Sesame Street” is now called, “Sesame Sue’s Leather Parade.” We still teach people about letters, numbers, and civics, and personal responsibility, and social accountability, and the importance of brushing your teeth, but our characters are more adult themed. Imagine if “Avenue Q” did a sex act called a tea-bag to “Avenue Q” and had their brainchild teach you how to navigate a Senate appropriations committee, but speaking sexy Gutter-Spanish.

It’s not ideal, but we’re making money and people started learning again. We’ll take the wins anywhere we can these days.

Getting audience participation has been a little too easy for the PBS & NPR joint team. What the PBR Blue Ribbon Education Task Force needed to decide was where was the best middle ground between keeping the audience engaged yet focused on learning. Kablunkergron’s team is betting on themed submissions and cash prizes, mixed with a warning about Satan, burrito corn, and evil submissions.

All we ask is that if you have to send dick pics, please theme them according to our programming. To incentivize learning we’ll be giving out cash prizes to followers of our OnlyFans page, and only to themed pictures based on this week’s programming. Higher cash prizes will be awarded to programs deemed “difficult to reimagine as a dick pick.” Anyone basing pictures on our children’s programming will be reported directly to an anonymous coalition of fathers in your area, and also to Satan. That King of Hell will fuck you inside-out, literally!! Brains on the outside, skin on the inside!! You’ll be spooge-mayonnaise for the dark Lord’s horned cock of suffering. Did you ever read that crazy, sci-fi book about an alien–who called itself a god–that just impaled people on a tree of eternal suffering? Oh man… that’s like Satan and his big, flaming dick of pain… And why is it so thorny? Like what’s the point? I would hate to meet the missus for whom that fits snug like a glove. Let’s be honest, if that thing were a burrito, burning corn would be the LEAST of your anal problems. All I’m saying is that’s one dick pick you’ll never forget. My computer STILL has a secret infestation of flies since receiving that… and random corn falls out of the drives sometimes that leave little burn marks on the table. It’s just, gross.

Anyway… I digress. Here’s a list of the award break downs by programming difficulty.