Hey guys, it’s me Candice, writing about where astrology, partying, veterinary science, and fur babies collide. Let’s jump in…

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Dear Head Animal Bitch at The VNR Veterinary Care Team,

My Yorkshire Terrier is such a sassy, little bitch-queen these days. OMG. She slays "yas queen" from sunset to sunrise. Watching her dominate sad bitches with her fierce pout is, literally, life for my daddy issues. But a little about her. Her name is Princess Madonna Cher Britney Diana Angelou, named for the baddest bitches around. You know!!! She's a Gemini. You know what that means, she'll steal your heart then poison your bubbly with longing, or Plutonium 234 (making your tragic death into a patriotic affair with sparklers and americium isotopes. Go America!!!).

She's tiny. She's fierce, but loyal to her friends, unless a poodle crosses her then she gonna get cut by sharpened dog biscuits. And if she sees any Aquarius mother-fuckers, she making sushi from those dolphin lovers, right there.

She's going through her ho phase right now! I'm so proud of her exploring her sexual power. German Shepherds line the block for her oral skills. They don't even have to lay down or rollover. She's so tiny she just walks right under them and goes to town! That's why I secretly call her Dyson Diva. I think some of those dogs get their religion sucked right out too! Nobody's getting sent to the Dark Lord Mailman in their afterlife now! It's only biscuits and fire hydrants when they die. Some people try to slut-shame her, but they can't judge 'cause Princess D'Angelou (her nickname) be turning down offers of marriage from Saudi-Prince dogs, like Prince Growl al'Pawsmehni. Have you ever seen a German Shepherd beg for a blowie from a Yorkie?! You can't unsee that and Haters can't touch that. Otherwise, I trim her nails, do her lipstick, and get her whatever she needs. Which brings me to my question.

So, she's about to fly out to Ibiza for a week to party, and dance, and live her best life. She loves dancing to DJ Bōnz and getting lit on your Double-Cheesy Shrimp Burrito Vodka. But, in your best opinion, what's the best party drug for a Yorkshire Terrier going through her ho phase and who's a Gemini? The Gemini part is really important. She does NOT get along with Taurus or Capricorns. Okay, and not too friendly with Leos and Virgos... or Aquarius, Aries, Libra, Cancer or Scorpio either. And obviously, Sagittarius and Pisces can drop dead, those basic bitches.

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Jesus Christ… What the fuck did I just read? Are you serious? You let your dog travel to Ibiza, alone, to party for a week, and you want to know what party drug to buy?!

Christ! Everyone is a moron. My mom was right. She clearly told me NOT to take “that job with those crazy assholes that stink like English cheeses from French armpits.”

Fuck, I could’ve been someone but here I am responding to dimwits and losers for chump change, and all-I-can-fuck access to a bunch of degenerate grown men in clown makeup. I could’ve had a real job if only I wasn’t sexually attracted to birthday clowns with gambling addictions.

It’s okay Candice. Let’s just rally and get through this, because this bitch is crazy.

Dear Crazy...

First, I know you ain't letting your dog fly to Ibiza in Economy class. If you can't keep it high class for Princess Diana, you don't deserve her and she knows it. Why you think she's dating around for the best suitor. She's about to dump you, okay? I guarantee you she's hooking up with al'Pawsmehni again. That dog got lipstick so big he'd make a horse look pretty.

Second, and I can't believe I have to say this, God help me, I don't see any premium labels on her party fits. Gemini Yorkies NEED Pucci. They need Droolex, Peeor, Louis Mutton, and Gifetchy or Yves Saint Howlent. Otherwise, no Saudi Prince's pooch will be dabbing your miss Thang anywhere, anytime, in any universe. Not even the Avengers could find a universe where your dog would get some. She better be ready to blow because her outfits suck. You feel me?

And lastly, never give a Gemini Yorkie party drugs like: MDMA, Molly, Ketamine, or Krokodil. Everyone knows they can't handle their drugs. Scorpio Yorkies? No problem. Leos? Sure. Geminis? Fuck no, with that level of stupidity I bet you kick babies--baby kicker.

I hope I've convinced you to treat your Yorkie better.

I’m out, Mumbles the Clown just arrived and he’s $30K in debt. It’s getting moist up in here!!