In a cave just a few miles away from your local hardware store, a howling noise mixed with anguished mewling clears the neighboring meadow. Birds take flight to the skies, startled by the suffered growling from a lone voice. Rays of sunlight fall from the canopy above, bringing the last warmth of a passing season to the meadow where a bear clumsily rolls on the grassy forest floor, simultaneously exhausted and in pain. The bear looks ragged, haggard, with sunken eyes. Its fur hangs loose on its skin. It appears, from afar, that the bear’s gigantic phallus is pulsing a bright red with steam and dust shooting from the tip, apparently dehydrated and deflated. The bear is crying, holding his furry, bear dick in one hand, and squeezing all the water out of a clutch of squirrels to put the flames out on his hair bear.
Before passing out in pain, the bear scrawls a few notes onto a tree trunk. The bear passes out. An unwelcome calm settles over the ever bloodier battlefield of gender politics.
Unbeknownst to the bear, these were its final words. Unbeknownst to women, lions were now on the menu. Unbeknownst to men, men were still idiots.
This is what the bear wrote…
“Ladies please. Stop. I’m just one bear, and I’m all fucked out. Look, I know times are tough. Men need to get their shit together…
So please, maybe just get some batteries, a bunch of batteries. Watch some porn. Some of y’all need to Stop trying to get married.
After this season of hardcore, interspecies fucking (I usually pull a few rich housewives and some wiccans) I may literally die from snoo-snoo.
Stop calling. Please. My massive Rod of Sexual Healing is bent the fuck out of shape. Sheeeeeit. Do bears get HIV? I think some of you ladies lied to me! My woolly mammoth is so raw now it’s smoking. Smoking!! I’m now sporting a link of BBQ weenies down there!
And ladies, what the hell is with your not-so-subtle racism? Who the hell only dates white bears? Polar bears will fuck you up!! Being a species traitor is probably a bigger sin than being a race traitor. You know what, scratch that. You humans are fucking crazy right now. You honestly use the phrase “race traitor” like that’s a real thing! You’re the undisputed kings of the world and yet this is how y’all behave. I wouldn’t fuck y’all either… except for all the free white lady pussy I’ve been getting. DAYUM!!! I’ve never had so much yoga instructor and MILF pussy in my life. Looks like Poo Bear finally got his fill of honey! Know what I mean? Yeeahhh you do, you perv.
Okay, but seriously, stop calling. <Yaawwwwn> My dick and I are scheduled for a Glamour Shots session next week and my Savage Lube Tube needs some Epsom salts, a splint, CPR, and to catch up on the last season of “Harvard Bimbo Hotel Kittens.” Ladies, maybe there’s another animal you’ll like instead? I know a few lions and tigers. They’d LOVE to maul some white ladies. They haven’t eaten in weeks! But don’t worry they can get it on if being eaten isn’t your thing. And for any ladies who need a different kind of sexual healing, I know a group of anteaters that would lick you all the way to Heaven. There’s this Honey Badger that will do things to you you didn’t even know where real. Honey Badger don’t give a shit.
And men… Stop chasing women. Just stop. No more. Everyone needs a timeout. Y’all are crazy right now. Even your own former President is guilty of sexual assault. So y’all just take a break. Men… get some hobbies. Learn to masturbate more. Get some porn.
Say it with me… You don’t need a woman. You don’t need a relationship. You don’t need a woman. You don’t need a relationship. You don’t need a woman. You don’t need a relationship. You got this King. Don’t even think about dating a woman for five years, at least. No marriage. No kids. No dates. No movies. Just stop the cycle of neediness and compulsive romance.
Trust me… Women don’t want to be approached by men anymore. They don’t want to be asked on dates or taken out. Women are tired of being woo’d and courted. They have better shit to do. They have jobs and careers and hobbies. They don’t need men. They don’t want men. So, stop selling yourself short. Rediscover your own dignity. Go have a life and rediscover how amazing the world is without waiting on someone else to veto all your ideas. Trust me, even among bears, that shit gets old.
But if you’re really hard up, you men can also choose the bear. My sister is doing her hair now and waiting for your call! Watch out though… She WILL tear you up.”
The bear never did get his Glamour Shots with his best friend, his penis.
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