Unearthed Project 2025 documents show some deeper plans to promote increasing the US population while simultaneously protecting the sanctity of marriage. Our investigative knuckle-draggers reviewed centuries of arcane legislation from the US and the UK. What they found may shock you.

Should Donald Trump become president again, the former President will enact a millennia-old marriage rite saved for nobles, coke-fueled hipster children of nobles, and conquering colonizers into foreign lands. First introduced by the English to suppress a dashingly handsome, blue-faced, blue-eyed, Australian actor playing a Scotsman–and to suppress all the rest of the Bruces, McDougals, Wallaces, Macintyres, and Cuthburtsons from uprising and claiming independence–former president Trump plans to use his inauguration speech to announce, among other things, the rite of Prima Nocta.

For those unfamiliar, the rite of Prima Nocta is saved for dictators that see themselves as chiseled statues of perfection but appear to others as having a coiff of gossamer cheesy dust, a face like a deflated Patriots football, and the athletic build of a satchel of tribbles rolled in a sheet of uncut kraft American cheese.

Once enacted, President Cheesy Poof will have the heavenly ordained right of sleeping with new wives, throughout the country, on their wedding night. With roughly 5k-6k weddings per day, Donald Trump is expected to streamline govt operations with all weddings to take place on federal property wherever Trump will be on any given day. This will protect the sanctity of Christian marriage.

But why now, and why Trump?

According to Christian theologians and mega church pastors, Donald Trump (the bloated, misogynistic, lying, raping, felon) is chosen by God because of his extremely hollow piety, acts of self-service, worshipping the sacred dollar, owning the libs, penalizing the poor, and devotion to pretending to honor the word of Jesus Christ. According to these theologians, Trump is the chosen one because he is the most like GOP Jesus.

This text from the gospel of Copeland, Osteen, & Dollar is often cited as the point of proof of Trump’s natural divinity…

Let the height of a man’s sin be the mark of his desire to be closer to God, and the length of his greed be his silent cry for salvation. For then how can a man without sin get closer to God if he does not need absolution? How can a man pretend to do as Jesus does and not see his own ego at work for there is only one Jesus! Therefore, a life without sin is a life of self idolatry, which is a lie and lies are the language of the devil. Only a man who sins is great in his love for the Lord where the greater the sin bears the greater love.

Except women. Women should live without sin. GOP Jesus hates a loose slut.

So to the honest sinner the Lord said: “Go out and fuck some sheep! Covet some ponzi schemes and murder your neighbor’s husband. Women love an alpha-male!”

And this snippet on accessing God ‘s forgiveness…

The Lord wants to hear your sins! Reach out to the Lord by calling 1-900-OH-LORDY! For just $20/min our operators will deliver your messages directly to heaven! Repent your sins to the Lord and ask for worldly treasures, then call tomorrow and repent that sin as well! The Lord loves sinners and hates goody-two-shoes little bitches.

“Yea” sayeth the Lord, “bitches get stitches.”

With Trump’s stranglehold over religion firmly established, he will use these nights of Prima Nocta to attempt to sell Trump branded steaks, vodka, and neckties to the women in his beds. Additionally, it’s expected he’ll ask the women if they think more people go to his rallies than either Biden’s or Kamala’s rallies.

This isn’t the end of the struggle though. Women will now need to navigate Trump’s subtle courtship routine. To help a sister out, we are selling chastity belts unlockable only through the solving of difficult puzzles such as:

• What is 4+4?
• What does “no” mean?
• How do you spell “no”?
• Do you need to report income as a foreign agent?
• Should you cheat on your wife?

Questions such as these will keep Trump baffled for hours. In case he gets through this layer of security, we do also recommend that women start conversations on these topics:

• What are civil rights?
• What is human decency?
• Where are your toes?
• If a train leaves Chicago at 4:30p traveling at 40mph, what is a train?
• Where’s your nose?
• Did you know women are also people?

Prima Nocta in the Workplace

In order to protect the chastity of women during the right of Prima Nocta, Donald Trump will only be able to grope his “nachtfrauen” with at most three fingers where two of those fingers cannot both be the index and the middle, as one may be selected for proper Christian gripping, though neither is also an allowable option for chastity preservation rites (Gospel of Trump-Vance-Satan). Four fingers shalt thou not count to, and five is right out. If the number finger counting be two, then thou shall count to three. If the fingers being used is four, first must Trump remove one for decency, but may remove more unless the makes him grumpy and over taxes his brain.

All rites of Prima Nocta will be sanctified with ordained Trump Holy Wine (a 50-50 mix of formaldehyde and Trump vodka, which is a 50-50 mix of acetone and Trump brand mouthwash, which itself is 50-50 mix of biodiesel and Trump’s ear sweat) and served in a gilded chalice that GOP Jesus created from unobtanium, adamantium, cheesy-poof dust, and deez-nutz.

All federal buildings will contain rooms for marriage ordination rituals and only Trump, Putin, and Kim Something-Something will be allowed. Vance will not be considered cool enough until he lets Trump’s insurrection DnD group hang him out in front of the Capital Building. Once hanged until dead, and extra cool, Vance will posthumously be granted permission. According to a placard posted on all marriage ordination rooms…

“Pence can fuck right off.”

— Vance

5000-6000/day?? Introducing the Orgasmatron

The number of rites of Prima Nocta expected to be performed is said to be on pace with the number of weddings, per day, in the United States–a staggering value of 5,000-6,000. Only the world’s most powerful rapist holy man would be able to pull this off. And to do just that the scientific team–that created the nightmare legislation of Project 2025–recreated the “Orgasmatron” originally appearing in the film, Barbarella.

Because Trump’s stamina isn’t  enough to satisfy one wife, the Orgasmatron will be installed at all federal buildings and will attempt to impregnate thousands of women per day, or at least gently push a soft dildo into their belly button for five seconds, give them a cigarette, and ask if it was also good for them.

Once completed, all women will be granted the sign of religious holiness stamped on their face, a cheesy-poof dusted palm print from the forehead to the nose, like the white hand of Sarumon on the Uruk-Hai but nowhere near as cool. Those Uruk-Hai would fuck all that shit up with blood arrows and orc blades, each regularly rolling +12 on strength and aggression skill checks, every. fucking. time. Not even the ’86 Bears defensive-line would stand a chance against these murder machines.

Once morally, physically, and spiritually defiled saved, the women can return home to their marriages knowing that Trump saved their marriage by never getting the orange flag up the post <wink wink, nudge nudge>.

Vegas is now taking bets on the expected number of cardiologists, and penisologists, on call in Trump’s inner circle if he takes office again.

Coming Soon…

One of our breaking news articles covers the generational dismay–and ensuing infant riots–of millions of unborn babies (five years from now) realizing their father is probably Donald Trump.