PCI Technology (also known as Penis-Computer Interface technology) begins begrudgingly critical third phase of testing before beginning vaguely critical fourth phase of testing. The prior 27 months of passably interesting phase 2 testing garnered favor for the new technology from defense contractors: Boeing, Mad Magazine Munitions Co., and PornHub Aerospace Ltd. Industry analysts predict that the updates in technology from the 11th round of PCI testing will easily pave the way for rounds 12 through 13 of PCI testing.
But what is PCI Technology and who can use it? The history of computing, from research to design to programming, has been dominated by women. Vaginas everywhere. In fact, we at the Vidalia News Recorder haven’t been able to visit a single web site without seeing a sumptuous curve, or a well coifed downtown party-bus. We searched all the internet, and there wasn’t one interweb in our search history that didn’t have women everywhere. We searched our intern’s computers and even those computers were filled with pictures and videos of naked secretaries writing software with pouty faces. This leads our investigative team to ask the question:
Where are the men in computing and computer science?
More importantly, what are we, as a society, doing to bring men into the most lucrative professions? How can we make computing more attractive to men? Is there hardware that can make use of masculine neurology and male-favored approaches to problem-solving? And what are men good at? We asked our staff psychologist, Woody Harrelson. His response may surprise you dear reader.
What are men good at?
Research suggests that more than 80% of men are highly skilled at sticking their dicks in things: bags, pies, sausage links, snow, socks, fluffernutter, bags of hammers, bags of rocks, pillows, mufflers, gun barrels, ducks, churches, very small rocks, cider and shapes that have more than 2 sides.
Research suggests that women are 97% less likely to stick their dicks into things. Yet we don’t know why.
Woody Harrelson, MD Ph.D, Vidalia News Recorder staff psychologist
Woody Harrelson, MD Ph.D, Vidalia News Recorder staff psychologist
Hardware Interface
But what is PCI Computing and how does it enhance the male presence in lucrative computing professions? It’s likely you haven’t heard of this latest technology to be developed behind the gilded walls of the Ivory Towers. It works on a unique principal where a man will take out his penis, engorgulate it into computer mode, slather a frictionless, nano-gel into the PCI port, and then vigorously interface with PCI port to access different features and tools inside the computer.
Below is an illustration of the device from our intern. Fair warning, he’s been going through a rough breakup since Rebecca dumped him because she didn’t like the wedding ring. Look, it was a fine wedding ring, gorgeous really. But, our intern is a naive fool in the ways of the heart and has since picked up a cocaine habit to deal with the pain. The first image we got back was… off. So we gave him some quaaludes with a Krokodil/mescaline chaser to bring him back to reality. The results were much better… except for the jizzing banana. We should probably stop giving out cocaine as enticements to join our corporate green initiative where each recycled bottle gets two free lines of cocaine, and every ten bottles gets you cocaine off a stripper’s tattoo that says, “My Other Breast is a Mercedes.”
Practical Applications
Practical applications for the PCI technology includes uses in computing, cybersecurity, database management, highly parallel computing, baking, accounting, lawn care, stroking it, beating the chicken, choking the chicken, slapping the chicken, chicken tango, knocking the chicken up, and masturbating.
Below are step by step instructions on using the public release candidate of a PCI interface module. Unfortunately, our intern translated the instructions into IKEA and now we don’t know what the fuck this means anymore.
Defense and Military Applications
For the first time in human history, we can start to imagine a humane war, free of the savagery, blood lust, and scathing quips about our wardrobe so common among female dominated military actions. Now, with the advent of PCI technology, men everywhere can start entering into war. By computerly enhancing their thinking, penis-brains, men might one day become soldiers, fighter pilots, or maybe even generals!
PornHub Aerospace Ltd. is imagining that future today. By retrofitting older fleets of city buses and Zamboni machines with phase 3 PCI tech, researchers will gather real-time, real-world data about important interfacing metrics such as: thrust, frequency, variation, length, girth, and position. Lead researchers are building phase 4 tech to address questions such as: is it easier to drive a bus with PCI tech while standing? Or, is missionary, doggy, or reverse cowgirl better for land navigation? How does this translate to flying fighter jets in high-stress situations? How much will it cost to refurbish a fleet of F-22s so the male pilot can command the skies in a standing position while vigorously interfacing with the jet’s PCI mainframe? Can a man keep it together? Or, as some fear, will men go strong for 2 minutes then need a nap in the middle of a dogfight? While it’s common knowledge that men think too much with their penises, this technology seeks to capitalize on men’s greatest strength and use it to crush our enemies…
A common response to PCI testing in consumer and maintenance vehicles is…
“just let me nap first, i can’t keep driving the bus over and over and over. I have one of two miles and then a break.”
Men
Future tech plans include a double orb interface for phase 5. This will get the hands and penis working together, a possible coordination break through for men everywhere. And phase 6 will test a dog-pile approach to the PCI tech where multiple men will be able to pilot planes, Zambonis, and vacuums by working together, simultaneously such that there’s always at least one man not napping.
Vidalia News Recorder 