Sponsored Article: Have You Accepted the Prophet George Carlin Into Your Life?

Hey guys, it’s me, your old pal, George Carlin. You might remember from such films like… who gives a fuck? It doesn’t fucking matter. I’m a ghost now! It’s so crazy right? Me?! A ghost! And a prophet as well. Crazy.

“I’m the dead, comedian prophet for all Fucking-be-niceians.”
Dead Prophet and Comedian, George Carlin

I’m here, on Earth, or is this shit hole Heaven or Hell? I can’t tell. Honestly, you people fucked up such a beautiful planet. One minute, I’m standing here talking to sewer rats in Brooklyn eating a hotdog and the after life is great, just being a ghost, when all of a sudden four lawyers and a GOP candidate walk by. Ugh… I haven’t smelled that much sulfur since I was getting a blowie from Betty Beelzebub. Super nice demon! And The tits! Anyway, I digress. You guys fucked up a good thing. You really did. You assholes know you did too!!

Oh no! Did your little book of God tell you everything was going to be okay even as the sky was falling in and yet you did nothing about it? You dumb shits. I even tried to tell you this when I was alive! And you laughed!!! You fuckin’ cretins laughed!

A New Cult, from a Dead Guy… Me!

Half the rules, twice the cult!!

Okay, so let’s get to it. I’m starting a little cult, some might call it a religion, but fuck that, this is definitely a cult. There will definitely be Kool Aid, no it won’t kill you but it may taste like weed. You WILL have to tell people you talk to a dead guy… me! And there will definitely be some pornography. I preferred Playboy (before 2000’s) when I was alive, but it doesn’t matter to me as long as everyone in it is a consenting adult, definitely over 22 years old. What’s the name of this religion, I mean “cult”? It’s simple. It’s so simple you idiots might even fucking remember it. It’s called,

Fuck You. Just Be Nice.

Seriously, that’s it. “Fuck You. Just Be Nice.” How’s that for the name of a new religion “wink wink?” Used in a sentence? “I’m the dead, comedian prophet for all Fucking-be-niceians.”

You’d think that would be all I’d have to say about my cult. It’s pretty simple. But I made it that way on purpose because you morons make everything fucking complicated. I’ve just given you two sentences. The first sentence is “Fuck you.” The second is, “Just Be Nice.” Let’s start with the first sentence.

That’s pretty obvious what that means. But did you know it also means “Fuuuuuuck Youuuuuuu?” That’s right. For any of you assholes that don’t speak The Queen’s English… wait, you’re shitting me, she finally, wow. Okay…

For any of you assholes that don’t speak The King’s English, “Fuuuuuuck Youuuuuuu” means something like, “when did you become so high and fucking mighty you fucking fuck.” So, in essence you dumb shit, what I’m saying is “Fuck you. Maybe stop being so damned self-important. You’re going to fucking die. Some of you are going to die with your mouths wrapped around someone’s cock. And SOME of you are going to have worse deaths than that.”

Trust me. I’m dead!

I know When and How each of you will die, so pay attention. Oof! Y’all are some sick puppies.

For example, Jaxtonleigh Anderson, aka Jaxy from Jacksonville, you’ll die at 82 on a stripper pole under a fountain of Schlitz Light surrounded by Xerox machines in a government SCIF getting the life choked out of you by Matt Gaetz and Mitch McConnell as they herald your sacrifice to the Prince of the 3rd Circle of Hell, Kevin Sorbo.

And you, Dale Jeffries, of Missoula, watch out for that Jenga piece! Lol… You’re going to have a horrible, horrible death. I actually lost 20 afterlife bucks on the second hour of your death! Gruesome!

And the second part of the name of my cult, “Be Nice?” Well, that should be obvious but I know you’ll have a hard time with this one, and you know it too. So I made some rules.

Cult Rules

Alter boys? Not here! No child labor in this cult.

A really good cult has some important rules. There’s this one really popular cult with some very simple rules, like: don’t kill, don’t cheat, don’t steal. And there you peckerwads are stealing, cheating, and murdering. You clearly need something simpler. So, I made better rules.

These are the rules. You couldn’t handle ten, so I’m cutting it in half!! Half the rules, twice the cult!! Here they are…

Fuck You
Don’t be a dick
Don’t be an asshole
And for my sake, don’t be a dick to pussies you assholes
Also, and this one’s kind of important you assholes, Be Nice

Some of you crazy fucks like your cults to sound important and super old. So I made a version of the rules that sound super old…

Carlin 1:3. Thou canst upon the solemnity of thine own word, being as a bond of strength greater than “brothers beforeth hoestresses”, beget into thee a fornication most copious and lay not lies upon the prophet’s door about your self-enfuckening for the liar is dealt double the journey, a half portion of virgins, and yea but a single scoop of Robbins upon Baskin… and yea the flavor of thine treachery is bubblegum.
Carlin 2:5. Whereupon thou entreats thine own personage unto the dirty, poor, and most disheveled amongst your neighbors, their neighbors, and thereupon the neighbors thrice removed shalt thou not, by malice or accident or indifference, be as a rigid phallus boning thy fellows into submission from the mightiest to the meagerest of reason else be thy known as the uncompromising, unlistening, unsocial man-baby whom thinketh of his person and affairs above all others. Then though thou shall be truly as donkey testicles: thine soul shall be wrinkled, thy visage comedically kickable, thy presence immediately detestable. Thou art a dick, do not be as such, else a heap of scorn likened to the weight of two hectares of fetid shite shall, upon your all-horse drive wagon, daily be thrown. The lustrous layering of pigmented lacquer yon said wagon shall thereupon be ruined. Dicks deserveth not a 4hp wagon.
Carlin 14:65. Yea, alloweth ye not a vexation to portend the hands that your hands shake, nor the words spoken by thine tongue be uttered upon a field of whole asses lest thou wish to be an asshole. Be it known by all that all assholes doth greatly suketh a bigeth one. So sayeth we all.
Carlin 15:4. Hark, thou assholes without repentance! Hark! For glory upon this world can be yours if thou canst but refrain from buffaloing or molesting with gleeful regularity the lowest among you, with faces turned down toward hell. For what is hell if not the resignation to a life of suffering reinforced into the heart by chain that only depression can forge? Additional to this group, avoid brandishing your chalice of malice upon the unemployed scholar of the history of painting and drawing good in caves and scrolls, for they are pussies and I love them so. Upon these souls, my pussies and my broken, shalt though not break my pussies by begetting upon them your golden showers, your steamers from the foreign land of Cleveland, or a whipcrack beating from your engorged and throbbing sexual member, else shalt thou be a dick to pussies and known to all as an asshole.
Carlin 16:1. Whyfor hath thou, he who can build rafters, she who can slayeth all dayeth, they by who’s own back can monuments and trades be raised, why doth thou who art gifted and capable of greatness and kindness alike force this ghost to resurrection ye to remind you of this greatest of all rules across all cults… Just Be Nice, it’s not that hard for fuck’s sake. Just do it you pansy bitches. Fuuuuuuck… This is the way. Ya Dick.

Ceremonies and Buildings

YOU DON’T NEED A HOUSE OF WORKSHIP JUST TO BE NICE!!

And now we discuss the cult ceremonies and buildings. You guys LOVE your ceremonies, and what’s a cult without a few walls and some comfy pillows!?

Opening Service. Each cult service will start with everyone saying: “Things are great now, and better than the past. I’m happy we’re progressing and growing together.” Most of you will jump out of your skin before you finish that sentence. Can you imagine, a room full of grumpy assholes actually having to acknowledge that change can be good?? Fucking livid!!
The Tithe. Yes! I need money! “But George, you’re a ghost! Why do you need money?” Well, these jobs don’t blow themselves, am I right? Besides, I respect the time and attention to detail of the people that work in my cult. No volunteers here! We pay people for their time in my religion, I mean cult.
- Alter boys? Not here! No child labor in this cult. No cult schools for the young. You can’t even join this cult until you’re an adult!
- Also, you Assholes seem to think Joel Osteen needs your money. Look at his mansion!! He doesn’t need shit from you!! But, you seem to need to pay your cult leader, so you gotta pay me. $20 a month aught to do it, from EACH OF YOU!
- If you’re poor, you don’t owe shit! It’s that easy! Why?? Because: “Don’t be an Asshole!”
- If you’re rich and want poor people to pay? Just remember this simple phrase: “Fuck you. Just Be Nice.”
Praying. Don’t pray to me! I don’t want to hear your shit. I lived long enough amongst you filthy, shit-throwing animals my whole life. I’m happy talking to sewer rats in the afterlife, they’re much nicer than most of you. But you do have pray! So, here’s what you do. You put your head down every night before bed, and you pray, not to me, but to your neighbors and family. You ask THEM for forgiveness, not me. I’m just your cult leader milking you for money so I can get blow jobs from the nicest people I can find, and a few sewer rats. Those scamps know how to gnaw some hambone.
Sanctioned Cult Houses. Okay… this one’s really simple. All houses of prayer and worship need to be safe for adults, children, the elderly, infirm, and incapable. Why?? Because Rule #2, dick.
- They all need soda fountains where ministers can serve the fizzy Kool-Aid. Also, I really like ribs, make sure there’s a self-serve rib bar between 11a and 5p.
- But guess what?? This is the CRAZY part!!! YOU DON’T NEED A HOUSE OF WORKSHIP JUST TO BE NICE!!! You COULD… JUST DO IT!

That’s it! Honestly, if you have to ask if something is breaking a cult rule then you definitely already know. Stop being an asshole!