* Promotional Content provided by Comcast… and Satan.

Hi, I’m Mary, a fourteen year proven expert with Comcast Customer Service. And I know, you might be thinking to yourself “Comcast Customer Service, don’t they keep people on hold until the company closes, charge people thousands of dollars for disconnecting service, and demand that only dead people can discontinue their service instead of the deceased’s relatives?” Yup! That’s us! And we’ve had so much fun over these past years haven’t we? You, the steady relationship we always hope will finally come true. Us, the grossly insecure, demanding, petty, thieving, psychotic lover that can’t leave you alone and will boil your cat alive if you ever leave us. But you just can’t escape our internet, so you stay with us because you need our internet more than you hate our crazy. You need it, don’t you baby? Internet, all night, every night? You do love us, don’t you? You’re not here just for the internet, right, eventhough you know we can download the chrome off a trailer hitch and upload a golf ball through a garden hose. And if you want, our routers can match the drapes. We can be good to you baby, so good.

That’s why we thought maybe it’s time to spice up our relationship, add a little more excitement baby. We’ll prove to you we’re not always the jealously psychotic type <giggle>. What if I introduce you to a friend of mine? Oh, don’t worry, you’ll like her. She’s a lot like me but a little more chill. She won’t stab you if you look at another cable company.

C’mon, we already apologized, after four years, and you posted about it on Twitter, Facebook, and Reddit, and our lawyers finished taking you from behind, in the shower, without your consent. But we talked to our public relations team and they think it’s time we try something new.

So, I want to introduce you my super sexy friend. We’ll be coming around your neighborhood, door to door, flirting, talking, y’know… internet stuff. I have to warn you though… Oh, I don’t know if I should. Maybe I’ve said too much. No? Are you sure? Okay, well, I don’t want to give too much away, but, she’s kind of slutty. Ooh, but not in a bad way! It’s not like she has malware and won’t update her patches. She just thought you were super cute, and really got her bandwidth open when she saw how vulnerable you were, crying in the bathroom, the last time you tried to disconnect service.

Anyway, she really wants to meet you. She’ll join us in the bedroom, living room, kitchen, or anywhere you have wifi, anytime you want. Don’t worry. She’s clean, but she’s cool if you want to use VPNs for protection

What’s her name? You mean you’re interested? Oh baby, that’s great. You won’t regret it. She’s dying to meet you. She might even download all over your router if you’re lucky.

I’m going to send some pictures. She’s super cute, very natural, no surgery. But she’s sensitive about her teeth. You better not say anything! Like you did to the BBB last time I stole your information and sold it to Russian state actors, you little bitch.

No baby. I’m sorry. Come back. I’m sorry. I promise I won’t think about not doing that anymore. You have my word.

Okay. So my friend. Her name is Commie, because d’uh, she works for Comcast. I think her name is cute, and matches her button nose, and sexy bikini line. You lucky dog. Okay. Sending pics now.