BREAKING NEWS

In her latest press conference from CPAC, Karen Whiterson (Head of Family Values Research for the RNC) announced that the Republican party discovered where unborn babies go after they’re born.

After a fifty year study focusing on multiple biological markers, scripture, and “gut feelings,” Whiterson states that her research team started recognizing something remarkable: unborn babies lived very short lives and were very difficult to communicate with. Every attempt to communicate with an unborn baby went unanswered, as did every attempt to register the unborn child as Republican. Most shocking was that at the end of 9-10 months, the unborn child disappeared from the mother’s womb. Many questions for her team went unanswered, the biggest being: was the process of birthing actually killing the unborn child? Her team realized that after being born, they couldn’t detect a living, unborn child in the womb anymore. Where did it go? No sonograms, c-sections, or x-rays could find the as-yet-to-be-born-child. With an average lifespan of 9-10 months, abortion seemed like a cruel and unusual punishment.

“For a long time we thought fetuses died the moment they were born. We couldn’t get any of those grainy, black and white sonograms to show how the fetus was developing, after birth. This is why we’ve been so fixated on abortion. Those babies only have nine months to live. We had to protect those babies! Or so we thought. Forty-nine years into the study and someone turned the sonogram on themselves, and we couldn’t believe our eyes.” – Karen Shillelagh Whiterson, Head of Family Values Research for the RNC

Long a proponent for pro-life politics, the American Conservative movement is reeling from the implications that Life continues outside the womb of the human mother giving birth. Analysis by GOP thought leaders never discovered any life after birth, until now. Almost fifty years of intense study, of publishing thought pieces with the help of their agents and publishers, discussing their ideas in front of large conferences of active audience members, ordering pumpkin spiced lattes from underpaid baristas, mumbling “get a job” to homeless veterans on the street as they shuttle to private yachts captained by a human, calling the human staffed police force, never prepared pro-life pundits for the question: “if life only happens inside the womb, where did I come from?”

If Life only happens inside the womb, where did I come from?

Anonymous RNC researcher

Acknowledging that it would be very hard to walk back decades of messaging about how important life is, Whiterson and team briefly flirted with a campaign strategy focused on honesty. The following slogans tested poorly in most demographics:

From the men’s room, while creating a hefty log jam in an upper-decker, during a closed door session of Congress, Lindsey Grahama (R-North Carolina) tweets:

“Once we discovered life happens outside the womb, we uh… well we really stepped in a pile of shit there. Can’t close that door again…. Which begs the question, do we really have to support everyone that’s living? Should post-birth fetuses be allowed citizenship, or voting rights?” – Lindsey Graham

Tweet

Whiterson and team did eventually find a political stance that struck a chord with the voting public
“What if, now hear me out.. what if we, I don’t know, cared about people after they were born, as much as we cared about them before they were born? How’s that sound? You like that? Okay, good. Go get me some smokes, unfiltered reds. Shit just got real.”

“To find guidance, we started to ask ourselves, what would white Jesus actually do? We didn’t know. We’d expected His Holy Whiteness to support arming his disciples with AR-15s, bump stocks, and donkey mounted howitzers for self defense. Y’know what? That wasn’t even in the bible. His Sacred Paleness said some things that shocked us. Honestly, we hadn’t read the Bible in decades, figuring that Alex Jones and Rush Limbaugh never, ever misinterpreted the word of Jesus Howie Christ. We couldn’t have been more wrong.”

Stating that a lot had to change in the party politics, Chaddington Herb Whitestone of Republican Political Action Committee, acknowledged that some changes were too large for immediate roll-out, and were going to be staged. When pressed further about the schedule of stages Chaddington discussed a three tiered plan titled, “Victory in the Heartland.” The original working titles were quickly scratched: “Surprise! You’re still alive?!” “Maybe We Should Stop Fucking Everyone in the Asshole?” “Your Asshole, Our Business,” and “Pucker Your Asshole, Here Comes Freedom.”

The plan gave an inside look into what changes need to be made within the party to continue claiming the pro-life mantle, and bring in fresh voters that have historically been alienated because “…they were too fucking childish to get real about facts. Facts don’t care about feelings.” Ben Shapiro, professional asshole.

• Stage One
  • Schedule a meeting to discuss setting a quorum for a vote about debating if we should stop admitting pedophiles into the party. But no pressure.
  • Maybe, care about people
  • Occasionally, ask nation how it feels
  • Before robbing the poor, think twice about calling them freeloaders. But totally, still kick him, just not with your nice shoes. Kick him with your unpaid intern’s shoes (the one you’re secretly railing during the long trips to speak at anti-LGBTQ rallies). But be careful! There’s a growing epidemic among the homeless. It’s a plague that drains you of your money and will turn you into a socialist!! Burn shoes after kicking. Good work, for a second you almost had feelings about someone less fortunate. WTF?
  • Pay nation’s medical bills
  • Maybe read the Bible, especially the parts with Jesus Howie Christ
  • Read a thought piece about what Life outside the womb really is
• Stage Two
  • Stop inviting Steve Bannon over for the “Annual Coffee And Easter Cocaine Garden Party” in The Hamptons
  • Revisit our collective crush on Ayn Rand. Did we like her just because she’s a stone cold smoke show, or because she hated poor people. What does that say about us? Schwing! Boner Alert!!
• Stage Three
  • Ween Mitch McConnell off the blood of innocent virgins and replace with the new “Impossible Blood of Innocent Virgins!” ®
  • Stop returning Russia’s calls. If they really loved us, would they keep ramming their surveillance probe into our quivering communications network, then tell us we asked for it?

When asked why the GOP has attached itself so closely to the pro-life cause, Whiterson had this to say:

“It’s as of we found a topic we could be infinitely smug and righteous about, then we stopped caring about listening and about other people, because we finally found a way to always be right, even if we were the worst sort of anti-Christian assholes. We didn’t have to burden ourselves with the difficulties of real life and with responsibilities to anyone that could think critically or question us. A fetus can’t question us, y’know? We never had to ask if it wanted to be born into famine, or wanted to be born to abusive parents. And then, we could take this political stance and beat everyone over the head with it. You can always win an argument by calling your opponent a baby-killer. And that was our civic duty, making sure we won… not governing. We were always the winners, and then when babies get born, easy. Just shame people for having sex. See? Not our problem.” – Karen Shillelagh Whiterson, from the Gates of Hell

Continued reporting would normally happen for this important topic, but we heard Jay-Z, and Kenny G, are swapping letters and will be known as: Jay-G and Kenny Z. Each artist will be replacing the other at concerts and hinted at becoming BFFs. Their first dope-ass album will be dropping next week titled, “G & Z: A Magical Saxual Journey of Friendship and Troll-Lyfe.” Creating a new genre of adult contemporary sax rap, each song will focus on different Icelandic folk myths of epic, ancient troll battles, river maidens, and the screech poems of Yoko Ono.