Earlier this morning, a second John Wick dog died. Wick vowed revenge on cruel God as Vatican scrambles in fear.

Goodbye Pawpaw-Yaga

While much isn’t known about John Wick’s other dog, a Yorkie-Doodle mix named “Yorkie-Doodle Dandy” and known affectionately by (deceased) family members as, Pawpaw-Yaga, sources suggest that he died peacefully in his sleep. Pawpaw-Yaga was 25 years old and said to be in terrible pain on most days, having survived Barkington’s disease, 12 home invasions, 15 stabbings, 4 shootings, 2 grenades, the Russian Mafia, and one very forgettable spa day at The Continental (for which 2 hotel concierges were executed). Pawpaw-Yaga was survived by his owner, John Wick, and twelve other dogs in the home of John Wick:

At 9a this morning, John Wick was preparing for a relaxing day, with a quiet coffee in his favorite nook and with his Kindle (rumored to be reading “50 Shades of Bullets”), a short 5K run through a minefield, and a trip by his community garden plot. Here he grows only Daisies and performs weeding and pest control tasks with a Benelli 8 gauge tactical assault shotgun and an HK416. This pesticide-free approach reflects Wick’s earthier, granola side and his desire to treat his body as his temple.

But everything changed this morning at 10a when, upon arriving at home, Wick found his beloved dog, Yorkie-Doodle Dandy (aka Pawpaw-Yaga), still in his tactical, kevlar-coated doggie bed. A quick inspection by Wick showed his beloved companion died of natural causes. By 11a, the local veterinarian concurred that Pawpaw-Yaga died peacefully in his sleep. In a small and tasteful ceremony, Wick’s dog was cremated. The vet said a few words in remembrance of Pawpaw-Yaga and lovingly recalled every stitch, broken bone, and bullet wound he mended over the years. It’s believed that the vet’s final words beget a new wave of terror…

And ye though the Lord taketh one of our furry loved ones, let us not dwell on our loss or that God took him from you when you least expected it and are still grieving a lost wife and the loss of another dog. Most people don’t have such bad luck, but God did not want you to have your other dog anymore, much like your wife and first dog. And though you have twelve more at home, Jordani Javonovich, Scourge of Puppy Kickers, we hold dear in our hearts that the life of each of your dogs is special, and worth 700 human lives, and sometimes 8.

This dog was your favorite, despite never appearing in your movies. He was your rock. Your reminder of Helen, and her taste for pets that don’t match your general vibe. It’s like buying a rainbow for the goth incel, or condoms for a eunuch. She was weird, but you bravely loved her anyway, and her taste in pets.

But God took this special boy, just as you won your freedom from crime a second time by murdering more people than mice in the Middle Ages.

Amen.

Would you like to say a few words, Mr. Wick?

John quickly replied with…

People keep asking if I’m back and I haven’t really had an answer… But now, yeah, I’m thinkin’ I’m back! Again! Again!

Wick paid the vet with 2 gold coins, then shot him in the head, and two in the chest for cremating his dog.

The Pope Responds

Minutes later, and halfway across the world, a secret alarm rang deep in the bowels of the Vatican. A message arrived. Trumpets played. A dirge heralded unwelcome tidings. It wasn’t a message from any mortal, this Earth, nor Hell below. The message was terrified, concise, and portended a horizon of blood. It simply said…

Dear Mr. Pope,

I think I called home the wrong dog, John Wick's dog. Michael will be sitting this one out. Best of luck. 

Hugs and Kisses,

God 

In a panic, and with no options left, Pope Leo XIV whispered…

Oh Holiest of Fucks…