Dear VNR,

I'm writing today because I've been wondering about something. For years I've been troubled by something, something troubling, something I hoped would've been answered in scripture. It's troubling. Can ministers from your School of Universal and Commercial Christology (Go SUCC!!) address my concern?

What I want to know is, why are there still ex-girlfriends? Like, biblically, I understand that BEFORE the flood, there were ex-girlfriends. Duh. But, why now? Why are there ex-girlfriends AFTER the flood?

It doesn't make sense, right? Unless...

The only way it makes sense is if Noah saved a pair of ex-girlfriends on the ark. But surely he didn't do that on purpose. What would his wife say, his kids? If I know anything about women it's that IF Noah brought them on board KNOWINGLY then Mrs. Noah would be passive-aggressively sweet to the ex-girlfriends and throw Noah overboard before the flood started. But the Bible tells us THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN! Noah survived! So they sneaked on, or did Noah dress them up as lemurs or dung beetles or a colony of ants? Personally, after doing the research, I think Noah disguised them as snakes, because NO WAY did Noah not know every inch of that boat down to the tare and hare.

So, did Noah save ex-girlfriends on the ark, and since all ex-girlfriends are girls how are they still alive since the time of the great flood? And why did Noah save so many? And how did Noah find redheaded, blonde, auburn, electric blue, chestnut, dishwater blonde, sable, and platinum blonde haired ex-girlfriends in the Middle East? Did he save the entire ex-girlfriend population on Earth or just two of them and somehow they kept having babies? But how could two women have babies? Did someone help then have babies? Was it Noah? Did Noah help them have babies. Wait! Did Noah, lay down with the two ex-girlfriends that were on the boat and make new ex-girlfriend babies?! OMG!!! It ALL MAKES SENSE!!!

Noah is still alive!!!

And he's trapped in the secret ex-girlfriend base (with offices in Iowa and The Levant), forced, daily, to have sex with ex-girlfriends in order to make future ex-girlfriends. It's sheer evil! Poor Noah, trapped beneath The South Ridge Mall, in Des Moines, IA, in some sleek bunker with too many throw pillows from Crate and Barrel, forced to wash his hands in a lavender floral soap with hints of cardamom, oatmeal, rose hips, colloidal silver, and moon blood.

Think about it. Noah has been trapped for thousands of years, forced into daily pleasure orgies with busty harlots, nubile nymphettes, slinky skanks, raven-haired jezebels, skinny sluts, MILFs, GMILFs, WILFs, BILFs, DILFs, CILFs, and HILFs (moms, grandmas, women, broads, dames, chicks, honies, respectively), but also QILFs, KILFs, SILFs, and ZILFs (obviously), bouncy blondes, athletic warrior princesses, Asian spices, and dark-skinned goddesses. He has to shower with them, and braid their hair, and get drinks with them when they visit Manhattan. He probably even plays patty-cake with them!

How else do you honestly, logically explain the amount of ex-girlfriends that exist today?! You can't! So I guess my question is...

He's been working HARD for thousands of years. So, my question is, what do you think his workout routine is, and what's his stance on carbs?

-- Sincerely, "Getting Fit for the Lord"

Dear Getting-Fit-for-the-Lord,

Could you please repeat that? We were… driving through, a tunnel. Yeah… a tunnel. Totally ruined the reception. Couldn’t hear a thing. Too bad. Okay bye.

---

Dear VNR,

I want to respond to what that first guy said. Everything he just said, so obvious it was a guy, so dumb, was like totally toxic Christianity and so sexist. Everything he said was just stupid, sexist and stupid, just like a typical guy. Puh-lease... As if Noah had any choice about letting ex-girlfriends on the ark.

Women stand together strong, and that's exactly what Noah's wife did. But did you even notice that no one knows the name of Noah's wife? Like, is it Naamah, Emzara, Vesta, or Janice? Nobody knows! How sexist even is that? That's why it's time to burn every man alive in a pit of acid and fire, and destroy the patriarchy. Toxic masculinity is destroying everything and always has and men are so dumb. 

Spoiler Alert... why do you think Noah's wife let the ex-girlfriends in the ark to begin with??? 

To create a sisterhood to destroy the patriarchy!! Noah had no idea... until he was balls deep in the honey trap.

One man versus one woman is not a good battle plan, but ten women versus one man and it's no contest that the man will be so emotionally scarred that he will take his own life. The power of women exponentially grows as more women are added the more likely that men will just give up fighting back and do what they're told. That's how it is with Noah, at the bunker beneath the basement of The South Ridge Mall, in Des Moines, IA.

Now that the world has so many ex-girlfriends we can begin our next phase and kill, all, men.

Which brings me to my question. Since Noah is an unwilling sex slave to all the ex-girlfriends, and has been for thousands of years, how do you think he keeps it fit? Is it a Paleo, Adkins, or a Vegan diet? 

-- Sincerely, "Getting Fit to Kill the Patriarchy"

Dear Getting-Fit-to-Kill-the-Patriarchy,

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We’ll that’s all the time we have for today’s segment. Thank you to everyone who wrote in and sought advice. We’ll pick this up again next week when we’ll learn about a bear guarding a deep, family shame. Did Uncle Yogi marry a salmon?

Hey Boo-Boo, what would you do???