You can’t get more red than Mars!

— Hal Denethor

Long believed to be the party of exclusion, recent changes in the GOP are creating big surprises for the change in outlook on voting inclusions. So what happened to the Grand Old Party? It became clear to the GOP soldiers that fresh blood was needed to repopulate the aging party ranks. Recent policy changes from the current administration leave many in the middle of this part of Earth feeling abandoned, or used to fight someone else’s wars. But with so many becoming disenchanted with the GOP, where would they find new voters? It needed to be somewhere red. No, it had to be really, really red, deep red. Hal Denethor, Steward to the Throne of the GOP Voting Commission, architected this new vision for GOP inclusiveness.

Most people don’t know what it’s like to be old, and senile, and have power over a dying kingdom. Do you know what it’s like to lose a favorite son but then have a Democrat son who IS alive but only a New York 8, and he WON’T die?! I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

That’s why we need to get more Republican voters, and going off world to recruit alien species just makes the most sense. So we donned our thinking helms, and drank our thinking ale by the light of the great red eye in the sky. That’s when I knew, Mars was the answer. But then my horse’s-arse of a son, Ted Faramir, says “ooh! Ahkshully Father dearest, everyone knows that’s the eye of Sauron, innit. Muh ha ha!” So’s I slapped that git for insulting me by still living... and being a Democrat.

Chief among the politicians looking to bring in this new wave of voters from the red planet is a brooding figure who cuts a silhouette not unlike a foam neck-brace straining to hold back a wall of soured meats, scowling meaner than a cross-eyed Hobbit with the piercing gaze of freshly rattled googly-eyes. Yes, the Witch-King of Florida, Steve Angmar Bannon works in the shadows to see the union of Earth, and the Red Planet. Once joined–and with an estimated Martian population in the gajillions–the US voter rolls will be near 99% Republican. When asked further about this plan Steve let out a series of hisses and screeches from under his dark cloak before running from the room saying…

Old fool! This is my hour, Gavin Newsom. Do you not know Flabby Sloth when you see it? Become Republican now or watch as we open the doors to a new kind of illegal alien… from Mars!

This one vote shall rule them all!! Chortle! Chortle, chortle!!

So what does this mean for the future of the GOP, American citizens, illegal aliens voting, Martians, and highly confused metaphors culminating in a collision of multiple trains of thought so hilariously erudite you forgot to laugh?

Will the Democratic party survive?

Your Immigrant Neighbor, The Martian

Starting this November, this new breed of, literal, immigrant aliens will be allowed to vote in elections throughout the nation. From local elections for County Comptroller and zoning laws for which titty-bar can also sell booze to underage minors with a liquor license past 11p, to national elections for the legislature and even for the president, Martians will be voting on our future. At yesterday’s ceremony to cement Martian voting rights, we caught up with Tars Tarkas Xenomorph who had this to say…

We are salivating with pride at this chance to participate in your government’s voting processes. This was a HUGE win for us. With this simple act of idiocy, much like letting one of your cats into a house of hens, or letting one of your presidents work for foreign powers, we’ll be able to put aside our military and espionage plans to take over make peace, and instead will totally promise to take a big bite of everything your government has to offer… us.

We completely support a limited government that steps on the necks of you citizens and are grateful you’ve begun limiting weapon ownership to only people that agree with us.

As aliens, it’s very convenient to not be illegal when invading voting.

By the by, would you mind terribly some light face nibbling?

The average Martian is feeling excited about the chance to vote, which is something they’ve never done before. Their political structure is more akin to a “Cannibal Republic” or a “bite first, make introductions second” style government. In fact, many Martians are so eager to vote they’re going to make copies of their votes and send them all in.

Please don’t be scared. We will vote early, and often, because we love democracy. We also love your beaches and greeting you fleshy skin-bags by slowly wrapping our prehensile phalluses around your necks and deeply kissing you until we become one soul, one heart, voting together, forever.

It’s impolite to refuse.

The Democratic Response?

The response from Democratic leadership has been lackluster, at best.

In an attempt to counter the gerrymandering of the Red Planet, Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries voted with Republican leadership, fearing that angering them now would anger them later. Then things got worse.

As part of the gerrymandering scheme, Mike Johnson (R. – Satan’s Crack, FL) promised ranking Democrats an appeasement proposal wherein they could still appear to be only partly feckless in the eyes of their constituents. When asked about the plan’s name, Johnson, Schumer, and Jeffries said it was the…

Your Anus Loves America Plan

What does this plan deliver? Democrats get The Blue Planet… Yes!!

Uranus Loves America

Inhabitants of Uranus call themselves Taints, or Assholes (informally). They prefer bickering and avoid forming any type of coalition of power. They prefer complaining about the Blue hegemony and swear they’ll only vote for Venusians unless a Democratic candidate checks every, single, last, box. The Taints sacrifice nothing and gain nothing, and therefore lose everything. However, it might not matter since their delegation won’t arrive to finalize voting rights until Jeff Bezos-Trump starts their eighth term as president & robo-emperor of Amazonurica.