US ARMED FORCES JSOC & VIDALIA NEW RECORDER JOINT PRESS CONFERENCE. – WAFFLE HOUSE ON K, WASHINGTON DC

Hello and welcome everyone. This will be a short press briefing on the latest information regarding the invasion of Iceland Greenland from US Forces. I am Major Gunfist Facekicker O’Hanrahan and I command the paramilitary wing of the greatest, investigatively satirical news source in the Canis Major Dwarf Galaxy and Lower Temecula, The Vidalia News Recorder. As Commander of Satire Forces at The VNR, we are deploying the first and second squads, codenamed Alpha and Beta-Cuck (respectively), from The Fightin’ Twats Brigade of our armed satirists. They will be the vanguard of a complex military operation to alienate our allies and start a series of cascading events that lead to an inevitable nuclear war, of hilarity.

The Vidalia News Recorder will not be acting alone however. This is part of a larger, joint operation with US JSOC to invade Greenland (or Iceland?) and liberate it from liberty, good sex, and self-rule. We are doing this without the authority of our NATO allies and without a hall pass from the King of Denmark, despite the growing risk of being put in Danish time-out. We attempted communications earlier with King Frederik the Tenth, but he rejected our offer to smoke weed behind the bowling alley, and to also to let us have Iceland Greenland. Yes Greenland, the one with grass everywhere, the one that’s actually green. We could’ve rolled and toked that whole island together but King Frederik the Tenth RSVP’d no to the invasion. Apparently he already had a hair appointment that day, which we’ve been unable to confirm. His public calendar did show it was also the day he also needs to unfurl the bureaucrats from storage and give them a light washing.

To the United States Bureau of Morons, Greenland is not just a place to start a toxic relationship with, or grow the ickiest of stickies, but also a place large enough to store the Epstein Redactions while getting totally blitzed. This is where the US will house America’s greatest patriots: Elon Musk, Sergey Brin, Putin, Lil’ Kim Jong something or other, Peter Theil, Melania, Mussolini’s baby shoes, and others. These are all great, naturally born, American citizens that need protection. In fact, their clones are safely stored in rehumanization pods awaiting transportation to Iceland Greenland. US JSOC also forward-deployed all spare, military-grade bongs to the shores of Iceland Greenland. Therefore and finally, I can publicly announce “Operation Smoke Iceland Greenland” is underway.

Initial sentiment among the brass at US JSOC was that they wanted the greatest American fighters in American history: Jet Li, Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Ivan Drago, Liu Kang, The Mummy, Boban Marjanović, Kafka, Andre the Giant, the huge guy that beat up Jake Paul, Che Guevara, Jason Statham, Conor McGregor, Goku, and Zorro. Each one of those fighters are treasured, American icons of tactical problem-solving, aka. “Good, ol’fashioned, ‘Murican born, butt kicking.” But then when no one called back, The Army had to get realistic about budgeting. Despite having a bujillion dollars granted to them by Congress and GOP-Jesus, it’s not easy to find good talent.

Therefore, members of The VNR’s Fightin’ Twats brigade are beginning the ground-force invasion. The teams are staffed with battle-hardened operatives like: a couple of muppets, a few theater majors, a self-deprecating himbo, polyamorous Portland mimes looking to complete their throuple, and some sentient pocket lint. We were hoping for a larger deployment but what can I say? Inflation sucks and militarized satire ain’t cheap these days.

Thanks Obama.

You might be wondering why The VNR won this contract, instead of The Onion, Reductress, or Fox News. This is a common concern many have in the field of tactical satire. You’re in good hands with us though, we guarantee it. Did you know that we have been stranded on your planet for 36,000 years? Many don’t. In that time we’ve been studying the nuances of your social and military structures, at each point leveraging the sexual powers of satire to lure humanity into a sense of security with our presence. We’ve become leaders in infiltrating foreign countries, pussy-footing, inventing heavy satire munitions, fucking around, and forward-posting WMLs (weapons of mass lolz) to strategic locations. Our guns have the most efficient laughter-to-murder ratio of any of the other hardware used by the satirical, paramilitary groups mentioned earlier. Therefore, during this invasion, we will be field testing the new VNR-HAHAHA-MK.5. May I remind everyone that the MK.5 has a repeater rate of 36 dick jokes per second, with an additional 4 snark tracers for nighttime hucksterism as well as dawn-deployed shenanigans. Noonday numbskullery operations will still be outfitted with traditional satirical weapons: poisoned, squirting, lapel flowers, banana-peel bazookas with Groucho Marx disguises, and LEGO mines to cover the floors of the enemy’s base of operations.

Operation Smoke Greenland will have three phases:

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The sentient pocket lint, and muppets are first up. Their objectives are to take the landing site, a beachhead defended by miles of solitude and snowy ennui. Most muppets cater when faced with their own mortality and sing songs of reaffirmation about their color of their muppet fur. That’s where the sentient pocket-link helps out. As a being that normally rolls with the eddies and tides of the prevalent breezes, sentient pocket-lint appreciates the solitude of taking an empty beachhead.

Next, the polyamorous Portland mimes begin constructing a series of bridges and tunnels, using only the tools they can pack in their mime fanny-packs. Each bridge and tunnel will be replicas of similar roadways in the United States, being so accurate as to reproduce the same aging infrastructure problems: rusty girders, pot-holes, crumbling concrete, gangland graffitus, narrow lanes, and toll-booths that still only take pennies and 2-dollar bills. This will dramatically slow down traffic and daily operations of the local military once all bridges and tunnels are complete. Using the state-of-the-art mime equipment, this will take roughly 45 years to complete.

We will maintain ground superiority by creating a series of animal-based holes throughout the landscape. The foxes will be in the foxholes. The rabbits will be in the rabbit-holes, and the asses will be in the assholes. Each animal will be carefully bred to carry munitions of explosive passive-aggression into city-centers and local games of “Viking Ball.” While players are occupied in the first periøde throwing æxes and kåtzenkicken at øfficiåls, the himbo and theater majors will take over national government by being the best versions of their slutty selves. Within five generations, the entire island will be descendants of Bob Himbo and the Theater Major Twins.

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Thank you for coming to this press conference. As you can see, the operation is bound to succeed. Wait… before you start eating your waffles, I’m getting initial reports back from the field.

What’s this? What?! Real bullets? The local military has real bullets? And their soldiers are kicking, AND punching?? Why didn’t we know about this?!!

Oh my god… we sent those fuzzy muppets into a slaughter… The beaches, like the River Styx, they’re covered in severed foam, and lifeless, googly eyes.

And the mimes are trying to shield them?! With what? We didn’t pack any invisible mime shields in their fanny-packs! They’re getting torn apart, by the kicking, and punching, and the bullets too!!

Lord, what have I done?