At a press-conference of The Nation’s Husbands today, the nation’s husbands announce that they are waiting for the “so-called” epidemic of male-loneliness to strike.

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In support of our unmarried brothers everywhere, we are ready to combat loneliness, finally. But, as married men, we haven’t seen it yet. Not for a long time. We understand our unmarried brothers wouldn’t lie to us about the joys difficulties of the loneliness-epidemic. They’ve been there for us all our married lives. From counseling us on if our wives are actually “the one,” to throwing our bachelor parties full of single women, then helping us move into our final resting places married homes. We have never been lonely since that point, ever. Not once.

Never since being married have we had to worry about getting lost in a single stall bathroom, in our own homes. Married life ensures that someone is beating on that door within five to ten minutes asking if: we need to see a butt-doctor, why we haven’t done this or that yet, or if child #4 can borrow the Benz.

Never once at 8a on a Saturday were we left alone to read, or relax, or nap be lazy bums. Enjoying personal time Being alone on a Saturday morning is for pussies and wives. If we were left alone we would ever know to keep the noise down while using the leaf blower. We would ever know that watching sports has been shown to increase cortisol levels and is therefore unhealthy. Now we sadly proudly don’t watch sports.

That’s why we, the nation’s married men, are horny excited to announce three new initiatives to help our single brothers stricken with the loneliness epidemic, a horror we can’t imagine regardless of how hard we fantasize. These initiatives are called…

• Operation: My Turn
• Operation: I Could Get Used to This
• Operation: No Tag-Backs

Operation: My Turn

This is our short term solution. Apparently, some men are only stricken with the loneliness epidemic infrequently, for periods of time ranging from hours to weeks. In an effort to leave no man behind we are willing to jump on that grenade of solitude, often and regularly.

We offer custom immersion therapies for short term loneliness attacks through a series of highly social events. These events maximize human interactions to stamp out loneliness for short term attacks. These medicinal treatments include events like:

• Thanksgiving with in-laws
• Driving the family camper for a week at astrology camp
• 10-year anniversary couples counseling
• Wedding days
• Chauffeur for wife’s “Girl’s Weekend”
• Sleeping together in an 85° room, under the blankets, with the humidifier on, and two huskies on the bed
• Pooping in a house with 1 bathroom, a wife, and four teenage daughters
• Back to school shopping
• Going hunting with her dad, and only her dad, at an undisclosed location of his choosing

Operation: I Could Get Used to This

For single men who need deeper immersion therapy to heal their loneliness, “Operation: I Could Get Used to This” offers lonely men the chance to experience constant, never ending, incessant bonding connections for a period of a few weeks to a few years. These tailored experiences include:

• Marriage
• Having children together
• Menopause
• Her new work husband
• His new secretary
• Her attempts at a vegan throuple
• Healing a marriage from his “toxic masculinity” and desire to have unapproved opinions

Operation: No Tag-Backs

This is our most exciting regenerative social service aimed at battling systemic outbreaks of the male loneliness epidemic. In these scenarios we target men who aren’t yet aware that they will suffer from a life of loneliness, and we swap them out with older men who have built up enough calluses in life to withstand the loneliness of a twenty-something man with money and no debt. We find that these younger men get no human connection from a loving relationship with a screaming emotionally-aware wife or a debt collector. The misery is unfathomable. We can’t fathom that misery. Honestly, we’re trying, and it’s not coming to us. So you know that’s bad! Right?

Once that switch is made, it’s permanent! The young, lonely man is carefully placed in a home, as the husband to a professional student of astrology (or cat memes and Kardashian Cultural studies), and as the father to 3-9 children all of whom need braces and private school.

And what happens to the older man, ready to take on the insufferable infection of the male-loneliness epidemic? He’s agreed to live a life, alone, relocated to a summer island, without phones. His identity will be changed to keep anyone from trying to rescue him from late mornings, uninterrupted pooping, and long naps. He will be forced to experience all this without being interrupted. This is his sacrifice to save a lonely man, and we must honor it, forever.

Cost of Services

Surprisingly, these services are offered, for free, to qualifying men inflicted with the loneliness epidemic. In some cases, in order to help the lonely men transition to their new lives, a live auction is run where the married men can bid on who will replace them. Winning bids can sometimes exceed $4 million and can be taken out as a loan against his spouse’s life insurance.

Be warned though! Some men, so eager to cure their afflicted brothers of loneliness, have been known to create a blind Honeypot scenario, with a catfish hook, to lure men into meeting the women who can cure their loneliness. These men, once lured, are then kidnapped into safety and away from loneliness, forever.