“Well hey there, every one, and welcome to my new home. Have a look around. Have you noticed anything different, or anything out of the ordinary? And no, I’m not talking about the 5” spacing on the banister stems. If you noticed that the television is hung without the typical wall stud, or the towel racks have a special design that hangs from the wall and has two moth balls right underneath, then I think you’re beginning to see the trend.

Now I know I’ve spent a lot of time looking at articles about: household decor, DIY projects for hardwood homes, 25 best rod polishing solutions, hardwood finishes for elegant homes, 10 best butt-stuff for straight guys at football games, and all that stuff. But, I’m definitely not, y’know, one of, umm, y’know, as it were. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, mind you. Years ago, my Aunt Sheila started reading books, and stopped asking her husband about football. She even wore … pants… to Thanksgiving dinner! Well, we all knew what that meant. But, you know, we’re all God’s beautiful children and that’s the truth.

We’re getting off topic, lemme just show you more of the house. Okay now, here’s the kitchen. But watch out! There’s lots of ways to lose an eye in here.

Have a close look at the door handles, paper towel holder, the sink faucet, and the dish soap dispenser, and even the little corn-on-the-cob handles. Closer…

Can you see it yet? Get a close look at the detail, at the veining of the wood, or the polish on the knobs and faucets, or the ergonomic design of that dish soap dispenser. Just two pumps from that and soap is literally flowing over your fingers. Notice the drawer pulls and door hardware on the kitchen cabinets? So much easier to use and almost no chance to trap a finger. But I think now you can see why I worry about visitors accidentally losing an eye in this house. Yeah, it’s exploding with loads of useful features but one slip up and you might get smacked in the face by some wood, or get a surprise visitation where the good Lord split ya.

Yep. Working with wood has its perks. Every guy that walks around his workshop, with a chilled brewski and a grapefruit twist, polishing that ball-peen hammer, who just built his own house, knows that wearing his bleached and pressed tank-top (with satin, fringe lace because all the little holes make it easier to hold a bunch of nails) is a guilt-free, and zesty, way to ignite that frisson of definitely being attracted to women. For added frisson, with a little “je ne sais quoi” for extra spice, bedazzle your tank-top with the word “straight” and draw a rocket underneath that points straight up that has two round jet engines underneath.

So you think it’s pretty cool huh? Well I’ve got more to show ya. This was just the tip.

Okay. Are you ready for the big secret? The big reveal?

Everything is made of penises!

This house is 100% penises. The hardest, longest, strongest American lumber was used to build this house. Everywhere you look, penises!

Stacks on stacks on stacks of penises, each one measured, cut, and fit into its best place. How’d I nail it all together? Really tiny penises were hammered in place.

Why, here’s a list of just some of the things I made from proud, turgid penises…

The best part about a penis house? It really pisses on off the local HOA.

Well… I hope you’ve enjoyed this tour. Please come again! 

…

Oh, one more thing, before you drive away, could you remind Barbara–from next door–that I’ll be ready at 7p to take her single girlfriend on that date? She may have lost my number somehow.