The Joey Meathead Experience Podcast, ep. 1.

JME: Welcome back everyone to another episode of The Joey Meathead Experience Podcast at everyone’s favorite, Vidalia News Recorder. Hey!!! Today’s episode is brought to you by the alphabet and some numbers. It’s like a and b and something else, right? And then we got like, I don’t know, an “L?” That’s a crazy number. Hey Titty Tommy! Is this right? I think you fucked up! Oh man. Look at that! Oohh! Mr. Fucking Smarty-Pants. Mr. Northern University of Temecula State! You ain’t so fucking smart now are you?

JME: Wait, what? Turn it upside down? … Whoa?!?!!! Did I just fucking take some magic shrooms this morning? First it’s an “L,” now it’s a “7?” Alright Titty Tommy, guess I won’t force you to try heroin on today’s show.

JME: And speaking of today’s show, our guest needs no introduction but I’m sure he’d throw a fit if I didn’t give one. You know him as the “Baby Daddy of Series B,” the “Nazi of Netiquette,” the “Ketamine Killer,” and the “Richest Bag of Dicks and Daddy Issues.” Oh wow!! That last one does not lie does it Titty Tommy?! Honk Honk!!

JME: Elon Musk! Welcome to The Joey Meathead Experience Podcast with me, Joey Meathead, and my producer, Titty Tommy. Word of warning Elon, don’t look Titty in the eyes or he’ll think you’re friends and try to jump your legs! It’s true! It’s true! Hahaha!! Down Titty, Down!

JME: Okay, let’s get started. Elon, you’re an African American AND you’re a Nazi! That’s crazy! I didn’t think that was possible!! What a trip!! Why?

EM: Ugh, gawd! Like, like, if you studied economics like I did, and not at a stupid school like Oxford, but like, if you really studied business like I did, in an emerald mine filled with slaves, like, it’s just economics.

JME: Wow. Powerful stuff! Did you hear that Titty? Starting tomorrow, I’m paying you in company scrip and stealing your wife! That’ll be fun!! Okay, let’s turn serious now Elon, sweety, baby… If you’re so good at business though, why are you here??

EM: You know, when I’m not X-ing on X about, like, how awesome my new AI will be once we remove the facts, can you imagine how much work I do? I’m, like, the CEO of, uh, five companies, or something, I don’t even know how many I have. Hyuh-uhyuh-uhyuh-uhyuh. Gosh, y’know. That’s why I have to do everything at all my companies. And on top of that, I also have to shit, like a regular human.

JME: Who doesn’t have to at one point? Sometimes I just shit on Titty’s keyboard, but only the letters p, o, o, and p! Get it?! Hahaha Titty sure gets it.

EM: Like people ask, so stupid, ‘what about all the employees’ or whatever. And honestly, honestly, that’s like socialism, because I do everything, at every company, by myself. Trust me, these toilets don’t flush themselves. Do you even get that?

JME: Titty sure does! Right Titty?!? But why ask the potty references?

EM: Look, as the CEO it’s my job to see that all the work gets done, by personally doing, every, last, bit of it, personally, myself, personally. People are surprised that I’m that smart, but, whatever. They just need to deal with it, okay? OKAY?!

JME: Sure. Sure.

EM: Even smart people shit. God! Why can’t y’all get that through your stupid, fat heads?!

JME: Hey Elon, maybe you just need LESS fiber, y’know? Save some for the rest of us, hahaha!

EM: For me, business is really easy. Like, like, I can’t even. Anyone that doesn’t want to do business with me, y’know? Flush ’em. They can all flush right off. Because I do all the businessing, and all the accounting, and all the clericalling, and computering… and also all the janitoring. Right now, are you ready for this? Right now, on your podcast, most people wouldn’t be dropping a corn-studded duke-bomb while sitting on this nice toilet in your studio.

JME: Titty… Did he bring his own toilet? Did you do this? I’m shitting on ALL the letters on your keyboard tomorrow Titty!

EM: But you know what? Uhyuh uhyuh… Like, it doesn’t stop there. Because while I do everything, all the time, and I don’t NEED employees, I’m also unclogging the toilet, WHILE I SHIT IN IT. I’m literally working the shaft of the plunger, yeah, back and forth, while dropping precision-guided stink-bombs on it from above. Houston, I’m opening butt-bay doors now. The splosh-n-slosh is like ASMR to my ears.

JME: Titty!!! Is he shitting on my floor right now? Get some napkins, tequila, and sour cream to clean that up!

EM: I’m the king of multitasking. I have to be. If it weren’t for me nothing would happen at any of my 7 companies. The shit would just pile up.

JME: It’s piling up Titty! For the love of my new slave wife, Titty! Clean it up!

EM: My ’employees’ aren’t special, like, at all. Did you know, not one could build a rocket, or tie a shoelace, or unclog a toilet while shitting in it… not without me, y’know? Because I revoked their clearance… because I’m also the Manager of IT and the IT intern, and I manage Active Directory with one black coffee, a single powershell script, a sneaky plop in the Windows XP machine in the server rack. It’s like, so whatevs. I just laugh at anyone that needs more than four minutes to set up a new employee in Asana, Jira and QuickBooks, redesign thruster camshafts, mainline ketamine, and unclog a toilet whilst shitting in it. Those are just fucking posers.

JME: Is that corn? Did Elon eat a burrito before showing up? Titty!! I thought you told Elon about our strict no Chipotle rule! Keep him away from the sticky notes!

EM: Fuck you posers!!! Fuuuuck youuuu! See how cool I am? You can’t. It’s literally, Literally, unfathomumble. Who else would have the time to write the code for the guidance sensor fusion system AND shit in the nose cone before each takeoff? Uhyuh-uhyuh-huhuhuh. It’s just hilarious how edgy I am.

JME: Elon, just, oh shit, just… get to the point

EM: I’m so edgy sometimes I surprise myself. Do you have anymore ketamine? I need to call the investors and tell them I’m also the new CFO for all the companies.

JME: SPIT IT OUT!

EM: They better give me another $1T or SpaceX may need a second plunger because shit’s about to get real.

JME: WHY IS EVERYTHING ON FIRE NOW?!