Welcome to our first installment of “Arguing With Stupid.” In this segment, we debate both sides of a hot topic and see who wins, me, or an idiot. Normally, a debate segment is supposed to, at least ostensibly, pretend to present two nuanced viewpoints as farcically and diametrically opposed as possible. Shows like “Crossfire”, “The Spin Room”, “The Spin Doctors”, “Political ER”, “Point, Counterpoint, Fuck Your Point”, “Daniel Tiger”, and “K Street Sluts & Cucks” are all exemplary instances of madcap, intellectual reductionism twisting the bounds of rhetorical exchange to pretend that winning an argument doesn’t automatically mean you’ve lost the bigger picture. Except for Daniel Tiger, boy was he a straight shooter and would’ve stayed that way if Prince Wednesday hadn’t… well, that’s off topic. Unlike most innocuously malfeasant debate shows though, we’re going to get to the real heart of the matter and debate issues only relevant to Joe & Jane Mainstreet, and Lars & Moonbeam von Billionaire. If you ain’t them, go fuck yourself.

Today’s Topic: Should Basketballs be Round?

For millennia, many round and bouncy shapes dominated the landscape of basketball. During the early centuries, the basketball shape could’ve been anything from spherical, spheroidal, or egg to something in the shape of a peasant’s head (this drew great laughs from members of the court, and nervous laughs from the jesters, shit-cleaners, and step-siblings of the same court). But, it wasn’t until the Battle of Hastings when the Norman French, having conquered England and forced French onto Brittania, also forced the official shape of the basketball. Physicists everywhere cheered as they were finally able to assume a sphere.

While you might think this is a tired and over-played argument, nothing could be further from the truth… except politicians that claim to hate pedophiles but won’t release the Epstein list. Today’s topic is a feud as old as the storied rivalry between the Celtics and the Romans. Everyone knows that historically the Celtics had a hard time dominating in the Coliseum. From a lack of home field advantage to random pits of lions, the Celtics offense crumbled when playing at the Coliseum. Historians suggest that when visiting the Coliseum, the Celtics were regularly stymied by playing with spherical basketballs, a shape that was an affront to all the Pagan gods of old. Larrius Birdum, lead point scorer for the Celtics, was forced to play without his signature bird-shaped basketball when travelling to Rome. This limitation was regularly made worse when the Romans forced him to play his weak side against a phalanx of javelin-wielding centers. Larrius Birdum stood no chance and the Celtics never made the playoffs in the first centuries.

The Debate in Popular Culture

Freedom is not worth having if you don’t have the freedom to make basketballs from yaks balls, or if you can’t put a little chutney on it to really make it spin

Mahatma Jerome Ghandi, on ESPN 8’s “A History of Basketball”

Celebrities and historical figures have weighed in on this debate over and over again. It turns out that spheres are the slutty ingénues shaking up the sport and may not be so regular after all!!

Mahatma Jerome Ghandi, despite being a famous political activist fighting against the oppression of foreign rule of right proper fuddy-duddies culminating in a historic hunger strike, was also the highest scoring power forward for the Mumbai Indians. He regularly, and aggressively, attacked the paint like the English colonizing another nation. Elbows were thrown, blood was drawn, bombs were dropped, and teams were picked off with brutal efficiency. When asked about it years later, MJ Ghandi revealed that his secret was to never use a perfectly round basketball. That was what “smooth brained colonizers would expect, a smooth ball. Those chucklefucks never guessed when I’d put a little chutney on the ball and duck and weave down the court like a native escaping the East India Company. I shoot, I score! GTFO English!”

While Mahatma J. Ghandi was a sick baller, dribbling down the D like Roxanne putting on her red light, he was not the only person of cultural significance to weigh in on the issue of shapes. Leonardo da Vinci, Buckminster Fuller, and Samantha from Sex in the City have all weighed in on the utility of differing sizes and shapes of balls.

Let’s Debate

VNR: I’d like to start off this ridiculous debate. The basketball shape is a settled debate. Everyone knows. This conversation will settle the question for the current generation and ultimately destroy the interior intelligence of my dumb-dumb competitor.

Stupid: Hello? Hello? Is someone out there?

VNR: Pipe down stupid! Even your opening argument shows your lack of preparation. According to Jeff Bezos, basketballs should be cubes with rounded corners! How do you respond, Stupid?

Stupid: Hello? Can someone turn the lights on? Why can’t I move my feet? And, why does the King of Amazon care about the shape of basketballs?? I can’t see you. Can you turn the lights on? I’m really hungry. How long have I been down here?

VNR: The lights? You want the lights? Sounds like something a smooth brained nincompoop would say. Let me tell you, according to Jeff Bezos, cubes are stackable and balls are stupid shapes that don’t even stack. If the King of Capitalism says basketballs should be a different shape to make it easier for warehouse drones to stack product, then who are you to second guess him?

Stupid: What? Are you recording this? Why are we talking about basketballs at all? Do you know Jeff Bezos personally? Is that why this is important to you? Do I smell bananas? Are you eating a banana? I’d really like some food. I think I was kidnapped.

VNR: Would you like to play a game?

Stupid: No…. I really just want some food and to go home.

VNR: Weaksauce. You’re in an evil villain sized, empty swimming pool. In five minutes, the pool will be filled with bastketballs of all shapes: triangular, squarular, rectangular, dodecahedronular, polyamorous, post-capitalist, and poop emoji. If you can stack these balls into groups of 50 and sorted by shape, and by Prime delivery speed, before you drown in basketballs, then you’re free to go.

Stupid: Ummm… Is this because I applied for the Amazon programming job and got the sorting question wrong? Does this mean I’m still a candidate for the position? Can you untie me?

VNR: There’s one catch… You’ll be randomly punched in the kidneys by Mike Tyson while Jess Bezos whips you every minute you’re on a break. How dare you steal time from the King of Capitalism by complaining about bathroom breaks and broken fingers. You should be lucky Bezos doesn’t send a warehouse drone to replace you at your own home!

Stupid: Fuck.

Conclusion

That was a thrilling debate! Boy, was that guy a lame-o, amiright??

Thank you for reading this installment of “Arguing with Stupid.” Remember, if you think it’s a good idea, you won’t see it here!