UFC, WWE, and swimsuit modeling phenom, Ronda Rousey, took to the streets last Friday night when she declared that she’d fight half of Los Angeles just to fuck that hot chick she sees in the mirrors everywhere she goes. Before the night was complete, Rousey tore a horned-up path of destruction from Eagle Rock, then jumping on the 134 West and up the 5 to Sylmar, then 30+ miles South on the 405 to Costa Mesa taking a break at the local Ikea. It was here that Rousey almost ended the fight when she cornered herself in the mattress section and was lulled to momentary relaxation on the heavenly soft FükSeksmåken bed outfitted with the Ooohlälå bedding kit. Before Rousey could perform the clit-lock takedown on Ronda, Ronda dug deep and countered with her signature move, the Rowdy Lock. This would’ve spelled the end for Rousey but a well timed nipple from the top rope reset the balance of the bout. The fight would continue for another eight hours, costing the city and county of Los Angeles more than $155 million in damage to bridges, public transit, and multiple mattress stores.

The night started like any other, finding Ronda at home taking care of her children, Armbar Rousey (boy, 6) and Elbowleigh Rousey (girl, 9), at their home in the Eagle Rock neighborhood of Los Angeles. Her famous UFC hubby, Hunk “The Word Smasher” Muscleton, was in their quarter acre garden watering the summer squash and bruising the lettuce (as Muscleton is famously want to do and ties in with his signature slogan “Lettuce Bruise Yer Face… With My Word Smashers!”). Like most nights, Ronda eventually put their children to bed, called up her friends from the local PTA fight club, and went out to “get lit up in this bizznatch with my glammy slut-squad.” And get lit they did.

The group of sexy lady barbarians hit the clerbs starting with KFC’s new string of gentlemen’s clubs playfully titled, Kentucky’s Finest Chickens. This club is located close to the WeHo neighborhood in Los Angeles. The group showed up in stretch CyberTruck limousines, themed in hot pink with gold trim and solid gold, 62″ wheels. Ronda ordered bottle service for their tables and drank the finest vodka, Sri Lanka’s #1 vodka 11 months running, the VNR Large-Batch, Double Cheesy Shrimp Burrito Vodka. After two hours of cheesy shrimp burrito vodka shots and two buckets of pickled pig’s ears later, Ronda noticed a particular hottie was checking her out, like, all night. Not one to usually do “vag smashing” with other ladies, Ronda felt there was something special about this woman, something familiar, instinctual, like they were kindred souls. According to friends interviewed after the fires were extinguished from the La Brea tar pits, Ronda was heard to say: “Look at that bitch y’all! She can’t keep her eyes off of me. She’s so needy but also like, really intense, with magnetic eyes that just pull me into her gaze. I swear, if she doesn’t stop staring I’m going to stomp her face, or wear that beautiful ass like a hat and gobble gobble that up like a turkey on Thanksgiving.”

“We didn’t have the heart to tell her that she was checking herself out in a mirror. I mean, we were also too drunk to know, for sure, y’know? But like, we could totally tell anyway.” her friend, Caitlyn “The Cunt Puncher” Miller, was heard to say later. Caitlyn, a stay-at-home mom of 6, likes long walks on the beach and punching some Karen cunt in, and out of, the octagon. She’s a five time qualifier for “Ass of the Year” by WWE Publications but always loses to Kurt Angel.

For twelve hours, a path of destruction tore through the city as one person after another got in between Ronda and that hot piece of ass she kept seeing everywhere she went, that had mirrors. Fueled by hormones, alcohol, and a desire to get with “the hottest lady she’s ever seen” Ronda moistly yearned to sensually merge her sexual flaps with that stunning enchantress with those libidinous delts, and amorous boob-pecs. Mmmm… yeah… That hottie in the mirror was fire and Ronda was going to quench that fire with a playful gush from her secret cave, of love.

The evening resolved when, in an In-n-Out drive through, Ronda Rousey finally consummated her animal passions for Ronda Rousey, all over the driver’s seat, steering wheel, hood, trunk, bus bench, beach, Taco truck, local celebrity Danny Trejo (who was late for a filming of “Machete 6: Fire Beats ICE”), cop car, drunk tank, freeway, and hot dog vendor.

The deed was done. 20,000 people were murdered while getting in between Rousey and her reflection. She went home to check on her children and bring some more words home for her husband, Hunk “The Word Smasher” Muscleton, to smash. Armbar and Elbowleigh were playing “Slap” with their grandmother, and everyone was happy.

As Ronda fell into bed, fully satisfied, she blissfully fell asleep thinking “I can’t wait for tomorrow. That bitch was so hot.”