Harry Potter, famous character in the eponymous series focusing on a magical wonderland where millennials fix the problems created by boomers, may turn out to be more real than anyone imagined. Today, The Vidalia News Recorder will be interviewing the East End Londoner, Harry Potter, as he hopes to set the record straight on a few matters. Before we get started with the interview we took a few weeks to research the life and times of the real Harry Potter. Who is he? What does he like? Who does he love? Is he Team Edward or Team Jacob? Has he ever met Daniel Radcliffe or Emma Watson? Perhaps most importantly, why did he write under a pen name and then use his real name in the books?

In the weeks leading up to the interview we dug deep into every nook and cranny, every pub and guv’nah, and licked the fuzzy hats of every beefeater we could find… which was one since that first one beat us to a pulp so thoroughly that the local magistrate let us off as they were unsure British law allowed sentencing of mince meat pies. This set our research back, significantly.

Luckily, we found the Harry Potter who claims to have written all the books. Pure. Investigative. Excellence.

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Hi Harry, can we call you Harry for the purpose of this interview?

Sure mate, spin the bottle and let’s crack on. Fancy a cuppa?

Whaaaaat? Uhhh…

Right. Check it. If you Yanks can’t ken what’s been saying, maybe I better dance the loo and give it a jingle, yeah?

Fuuuuuuck. What the hell’s happening? Here I am, interviewing, you, THE Harry Potter, and I can’t understand. Am I in England? I am, right? That’s where Heathrow is? Does England use English anymore? Fuck fuck fuck fuck… I’m going to lose my job. Fuck… everyone said not to take this job. Satirists never get paid and this is no way to climb the corporate ladder to a Fortune 500 company… Wait!

You can understand me though, right?

Oi, ya daft pansy. I hears you.

Okay. Offensive much? Nevermind. Look, how about I just ask my questions and I just print what you say and hope my readers can figure it all out later.

Smashing! I thought I clocked your loaf of bread in there.

… I… I don’t, I can’t… It’s not even…

… Oi! Yeah mate. Let’s do it!

Okay. This could work. Maybe I will work my way up to executive mailroom after all. Okay, okay… Okay, let’s see.

Right. Question 1. You are Harry Potter? You’re real, and you wrote the Harry Potter novels?

So yeah, I scribbled all that bobbins under a dodgy moniker, JK bleedin’ Rowling. It was all tom tit from the word go. And I guess it worked too well, y’know? I thought it was pretty obvious, innit? “J.K.” like “yeah mate, I’m joking, I’m takin’ the piss” and then “Rowling” like, “I’m Rowling on the floor, laughin’ my arse off at all the prats reading this.” I mean, come on mate, it’s a story what’s got kids with magic wands and all that. Magic wands is all pony mate! Oh man, and who would even believe that a stupid government entity, like the Ministry of Magic, could even keep so many prisoners secured in a government penitentiary with a staff of soul sucking guards and have only one person escape?! Like, no government entity is that well run. That should’ve been a huge wake up call to all those nutters that this story was so ludicrously fake. Plus, like think on this, right. The Dog, was in jail?! Sirius Black was a dog you idjits!! No way mate!! You havin’ a bubble? Ain’t no mutt doin bird in the nick. That’s brass tacks, innit! People really need to start using their loaf of bread. But I will grant you that the part about prisons bein run by soul sucking guards is spot on. I found that out when I managed a little bit of the ol Barney Rubble in my youth. Them guards is nasty business innit.

So, Harry, why come forward now, into the public audience and start speaking about the book now. The whole world thinks you’re just a character in a book and that JK Rowling is a real person. Is it really all fake? Is Hogwarts not really a school for magic? Should children learn to use magic wands?

Look, I’m not saying people shouldn’t give it a proper bob and bead. Totally mate. Have fun. Get illiterate with it. But when day’s done, Hogwarts is just not film, and no magician uses magic wands is all I’m saying, and even if they did, which I’m not saying, but even if they did, can you imagine all the chaos from a bunch of runts running around with unlicensed twigs shouting Latin gibberish at each other right as they’s reaching peak puberty induced insanity and all while they’s just beginning to learn about the sexual wonder of their bodies? All those hormones and jealousies in one place, with powerful, but insanely daft, little mages, and you want to give them unregistered, powerful magic twigs of destruction before they turn drinking age? That’s just bobbins, no two ways. I mean, you see it now, right? And Hogwarts is all like lampreys at Easter, right? They’s just gorillas in the mist then, ain’t they?

Ummm… yeah…

Why do you reckon you never had a magic wand mate, y’know, as a snot nosed brat? Because, it’s not crackin. If wands did exist, and I ain’t saying they do, but if they did, they’d be amazing threads and spools of destruction and power. Your police would be knackered before elevensies. Just spittin’ tracks for ya.

Fascinating! You read it here first. Hogwarts has gorillas and police are hobbits, but magic wands are fake.

Let’s turn to the celebrity fame to come from your books. Being a boy from East End that’s had too many run-ins with the law, how does it feel knowing you changed the world, and have you ever met Daniel Radcliffe or Emma Watson?

Never heard of em. And if you ask me again we’ll have a proper go on that Jolly Roger. No one, and I mean No One, who’s Anyone, what wants to stay breathing, knows nothin about no Radcliffe and Watson. Everyone knows they’s just two blokes what fancies a nice Rosy Lee and biscuits. That’s it! Ask again guvnah, and I’ll fillet you like I’s s’posed to have done with those creatures from my books.

Now, Tom Felton, on the other hand, that mad lad what played Draco Malfoy? He’s good people, a proper scouser right off the bat. He’s like as not to bust your teeth as buy your lunch. Me and Tom go back to streets lad, knickin’ and stomping, punching Nazis, getting proper lit and three sheets to the wind. Plays a mean game of footie, he does.

I miss ol Tommy F. Tell him the Mickey’s Bridge gang misses him too! We still need to finish that ham and devil!! Hahahaha

I will be sure to print everything just like you said it.

But, I’m a little confused still. You are Harry Potter, a real person who wrote a series of books that became world best-sellers and changed children’s literature forever, right? The people that acted in the movie are also real. But, and this is where I can’t seem to keep track, JK Rowling is fake, a pen name you invented, and then used to that same account to bash trans people. It’s almost like this whole story is satire imagined by some guy that works too much, and who just wants a nice nap and a sammich.

Oh bother, don’t get me started on JK Rowling. That turned dark, innit. Look, I have no problem with anyone, be they straight, gay, or lesbian, or queer or homosexual or they tickle the bits and bobs what looks like theirs. I don’t care if they’s bi or trans or whatever other ways people do their existence. I don’t care. Me, Harry Potter, a simple muggle and right tea leaf, from down the way, what’s always knickin’ ladies’ handbags and bits, doesn’t care about how you express yourself. I don’t.

So right, maybe you’re asking why I put all that nonsense up on that fake JK Rowling account. Yeah, fair point. To be honest, I was a bit off my rocker. Earlier that deviled ear, my da was wearing kilts all over God’s creation, but he don’t tell me. Normally, I wouldn’t care, y’know? But one night I’m having ten or twenty quick ones down the battle cruiser, and I sees this right sort having a tippie, looking proper fit. So I goes to spin my charm on her like, and bullocks, it’s me da in a kilt. Now I’m blinky off me rocker. So, like a wanker, I write some shenanigans on Twitter and now it’s gone on too long.

I definitely understood that, for sure.

Is there anything you want to tell the readers, all these years later?

Dear world. It’s me, Harry Potter. JK Rowling is my pen name. Sorry about the shite posts. Magic wands for children is daft, and the Dursleys didn’t make me sleep under the stairs. Dudley is now a social worker and a good chap. [It] was his idea to make the family crazy like what when Vernon went flowers up last year from all that sex with Petunia. They were a loving couple but a bit dodgy though, innit? Aunt Petunia is now a tantric, yoga, sex coach which is too much to deal with but she’s happy. They was always kind to me since Voldemort killed my rents and tents. Oh yeah, get this. Voldemort, poor guv, turns out he just had a bit of the old brain haunts. He’s schizophrenic and, like, really sorry about killing me mum and da. And look, the whole story is cake. Clearly, no one is also a snake, because again, magic wands isn’t real, and if they were, and I’m not saying they are, but if they were then you definitely do not give them to tiny twats what’s also learning about sex.

That was great insight which we will definitely understand.

We’re winding down to the last questions. So, Harry Potter, why’d you do it all?

Like any tosser of ill-repute, I just needed the dosh, y’know? The cash? The moolah, or whatever you Yanks call it? I just kinda made it up one horse and hay and wrote all 7 or 8 books in a few weeks. Thanks to Aunt Petunia for the steady cuppa. And as for the dodgy moniker? Honestly, no posh twat in City of London was gonna publish some East End tea and leaf. So’s I asks me Aunt to go make cheddar and cheese with a fake name. And Bob’s your uncle.

That’s it kids. Magic wands isn’t real and Hogwarts is just me takin the piss at all the little lord and lady toffs who can sod off with their posh knobs. And JK Rowling is just a pen name, giving it large, for an East End tosser with a good family.

Lastly, the love and support of Dudley Dursley had been important to you throughout your life. Do you have any shout outs for him, or the family?

Couldn’t have done it without the Dursleys. Mad respec bruv

Thank you Harry Potter.

Oi! Enough of that. Jog off guv. Footies on the custard! Come on you Irons!!

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And there you have it. Harry Potter, famous East End author and petty criminal, just doing it for the money… right? Fuck, I don’t know. He could’ve said magic wands were fake and no one would ever be able to tell. Maybe I can still become a stripper, yeah?