Are you a leather-faced grumplestiltskin? Or a walking skin suit without morals? Maybe you’re a lonely, single hell-maw that feasts on children but never experienced real love? Does dating seem out of reach to you? Do you dream about replacing Children’s Tylenol with arsenic? Don’t worry! You, yes you! Can still find an overly simplistic facsimile of the facade of true love that withstands the scrutiny of IG posts and pseudoscientific internet tests. And who knows, you might have sex?!

Guys, men, boys, listen up. You’re living in the golden age of dating. It has never been easier to find or attract a human female mate (a living, over 18 hominid, with lumpily squishy sexy bits… just trust us, we’re scientists). You might think this is a rough time to be dating human female mates because they are experimenting with equality, voting instead of breeding, or just reading smut in peace without wanting their sweet, sweet booby melons regularly booped by strong man penises.

However, you’d be stupid! Anyone can get a date in today’s social climate.

Do you wish you could come home to a house that has a living female in it–after you’ve denied life saving medical care to humans–then hug her, and eat a hot meal she prepared?

Guess what?! You CAN!

How can we be so sure? How do we, the fucking genius scientists and madcap investigatively satirical journalists of the greatest investigatively satirical news source in the Canis Major Dwarf Galaxy and Lower Temecula, know all this? It’s so sinister! So simple! So soul crushingly obvious… Why can you get a date and then get married?!?

Because RFK Jr. got married…

Twice.

Boom! Do we Have to Say More?

RFK Jr.?!?? This is mind-boggling, right?! Look, we don’t get it either. But if RFK Jr. can still marry a human female mate–complete with lumpy and squishy bits–then you can to!

Your future wife will likely have some of these attributes (but don’t expect TOO many at any one time):

• Alive
• Won’t escape when handcuffs removed
• Knows words

Look at RFK Jr. Seriously, take a goooood look. Now, think about all the people who’ve died because of him. Oops, you missed a few! Okay, good, keep that thought in your head. What you’re imagining is the lowest possible bar that men have to pass in order to be an acceptable candidate for marriage. Untold numbers have died, and will die, because of him and to further lower the bar he literally looks like what a fungal jock-strap smells like!

If testicular cancer married the measles, and then fucked a porcupine with rancid salami and gave birth to the oozing puss that slinks over the dead babies of undead lawyers, you’ve reached the bar of acceptability!!! Just do better than that and eventually you’ll find someone who will marry you.

It’s that easy!

Another way to look at this is that if there really are women that would willingly date or marry RFK Jr then OF COURSE it’s not hard to find a date right now. There are some women out there who have horrible taste in men. That’s who you need to target. How do I know this is even possible?? Don’t take my word for it, just remember that RFK Jr. got married a second time. How the what is even going on there?!

I know some of you may be listening to raging douche-canoes like The Tate bruhs, or some other form of angry, misanthropic, self-aggrandizing, chud who thinks dating is a fight to be won. But, let’s be honest. Those guys are dicks, but like the cheesy kind that get soft when eaten. Cheese-dicks! That’s it. Those guys are fucking cheese-dicks. Any guy that needs to use force, coercion, or manipulation to find or, keep a, date needs to listen up and stop being an asshole. Dating is very easy.

How to Get Date and Then Get Married

Here’s what you do, pick 2 of the following to meet the minimum requirements for marriage. Just Two!! You can pick 3-4 if you’re trying to improve yourself. Pick 5 if you want to be a fucking show off though. Nobody likes a show off Gary, you fucking tronk.

• Shower sometimes
• Talk without drooling
• Don’t touch the boobs BEFORE introducing yourself
• Don’t murder your dates… too much
• Keep the lotion in the bathroom, not in the bucket in the basement

If you’re still wondering about what you can get away with, and maybe slide UNDER the bar of acceptability sometimes… Here are things you can do and STILL get married.

This shit just is CRaZY…

• Remove life saving vaccines from the public
• Read anime, and unironically tell people it’s not for the tentacle porn
• Cheat on your first wife and write a journal about it. Bonus points for using Hello Kitty stickers
• Be an unrepentant alcoholic with homicidal tendencies that can’t beat Toad’s Turnpike in Mario Kart
• Defund food safety inspections, and unironically tell people it’s FOR the tentacle porn
• Leave your first wife on a hospital bed dying from cancer (we didn’t forget you Newt!)
• Scratch your balls and then pass her the bread at the dinner table
• Lie about liking your wife’s mother’s triple-layer jello salad

It SHOULD be Hard to Find a Living Female Date, Right?

This should be a time when it’s impossibly difficult to find a date because bad guy behavior is documented and published everywhere. You might even believe, incorrectly, that ALL men are being vilified. But if so… That doesn’t answer the core questions, which are

• Why is RFK Jr married?
• How did he get married twice?

How is that possible?!?!

Guys, if you’re barely reaching the bar for romantic viability, consider the following…

• When you die and inevitably go to a Tim Burton styled afterlife, everyone there looks like RFK Jr!
• And if you’re thinking you have to look good to get a wife… then how do you explain even the face of RFK Jr?!

You can’t! No one can! You don’t get a face like that on just heroin alone. His face is what happens when Leatherface is your plastic surgeon, but without the anesthesia, surgical training, years of chainsaw practice on wandering virgins, ethical standards of murder, extra bags of the correct blood type, or even bandaids. We’ve never seen plastic surgery go so wrong on a face that never had plastic surgery.

If You Can Answer Yes to Any of These Questions, You too Can Find Romance, Just Like RFK Jr

• Have you ever picked up gum from the NYC subway stair banisters, then stretched out, left it in the sun to dry for five years, occasionally smooshed gravel in it, made two holes for eyes but did it while you were drunk and blind at a bachelorette party, then placed googly eyes IN the sun burned, pock marked, gum?
• Have you ever watched Satan fuck old shoe leather and then worn the result as your face??
• When people ask for your body count do you get confused and give your number for dead children?
• Do you sound like an asthmatic donkey autotuned by a dirt road?
• Are you the human equivalent of a bag of plague, and look like it too?
• If the four horsemen needed a fifth for a crazy new apocalypse, would they call you?
• Would you cancel veterans mental health assistance to watch more people commit suicide?
• Does Measles send you Christmas cards from Nightmare Island, in the same archipelago as Dr. Moreau’s Island?
• Are you the boogyman they use to scare little monsters on the island of Dr. Moreau?
• Do brainworms think of you and remember that time they had an all-you-can-eat buffet and still gave your brain zero stars on Yelp?

Words From a Few Fake Men

We discussed with various men their thoughts about this reality of dating, this potential to be such a terrible person AND STILL get married…

The weirdest thing happened. I went on a date and DIDN'T try to touch her bewb-mellons with my wrinkly, scrotal sac. We're getting married next month! For our honeymoon we'll be selling fake "vaccines" to the local orphanage. Thanks RFK Jr.!

I just spilled Cheeto dust on my pubes and still I'm getting married. Thanks RFK Jr.!

So wait... I don't have to do like counseling or anything, or like do any self improvement crap? And someone like RFK Jr. can still marry an actress? Oh man, I'm gonna put on my Adidas track suit and try my pickup lines at the abortion clinic! Still better than RFK Jr.!

Why is Andrew Tate such a sour poultice of twat-knuckles?

Huh, so I can poison the city water supply and STILL find someone who will marry me?! Thanks RFK Jr.!