Let’s be honest, all white people love black pussy. So, it should come as no surprise that when the latest breach of genealogical data (from 23&Me) hit the blogosphere, many white people learned more about their heritage than they possibly wanted to… especially the following groups: 

What many people weren’t prepared for was how quickly these groups would adopt their newly discovered racial heritage. But, what exactly happened?

What Happened?

Last week, Thursday night, after a regular software patch was installed, one of the programmers at 23&Me didn’t realize they were missing a semicolon character in their computer code. This one error allowed hackers to penetrate 23&Me network security, bypass database alarms, hack NORAD, steal genealogical data and personally identifying information, access building security doors, randomly turn on and off lights, read your email, message your boyfriend, and set the coffee machines to decaf. In other words, shit got fucked fast. Roughly 17 gigglebytes of data were released. However, one stroke of luck to come from this horrendous debacle is that while the data was intended to be released to the dark web, it was instead released to the dank web (a purgatory of sorts for web traffic. It’s not the dark web, but it ain’t the sesame street of Internet traffic either). But the damage was done. Almost everyone’s data was released showing their heritage.

This is where the story gets interesting. It turns out that most “white” people aren’t direct descendants of Colonel Sanders, nor do they hail solely from Der Weißevaterland von der weißen Menschen, die Weiß und Verrückt Sind, dies Zu Glauben (a mythical land of white purity believed to have existed between the ancient Seas of Maynaize and the Single Spice Trade Route). In fact, most white people have a lot of color in their histories, and we don’t mean the type of Off-White one gets when traveling from Ireland to France. No, most white Americans can claim African and Central American heritage going back just a few generations. But why?  For that, you can blame an American president and founding father.

Thomas Jefferson, The White Granddaddy

Many theorize that one of the nation’s most storied of founding fathers is the reason for this heritage mix-up, Thomas Jefferson. TJ is the grandfather of all white people in America, either literally or figuratively.

Figuratively speaking, Jefferson’s relationship with racism and slavery is problematic, at least for people who think that owning another person is problematic (don’t worry white people, no one’s looking at you). Thomas Jefferson had slaves, and not just a few either. He owned hundreds and hundreds of slaves, and yet he publicly espoused the evils of slavery.

Now If that ain’t the whitest shit we know. To own more slaves than other presidents, yet talk about evils of slavery is quintessential white folk behavior. We estimate around 100 white people were born just because you read that sentence.

And yet, Thomas Jefferson is literally a granddaddy to many in America. Why? Thomas Jefferson loved that sexual chocolate, preferring to avoid all things vanilla in the bedroom… which is understandable for a man into slavery and race play. Owing largely to Jefferson, sweet sweet chocolate is one of America’s favorite treats and has been since he was president. Throughout recorded American history, we counted the number of times this phrase appeared just in print: “I’m such a chocoholic. I would do anything to get some sweet sweet chocolate all over me and down my warm throat.” Let me tell you…. Americans nearly choke themselves on a big chocolate package whenever they can.

So, Jefferson liked the black ladies, and had many babies, and was a white guy… It’s said he’s responsible for roughly 1/4 of the US population. White people often overlook this watershed moment in American genealogy, until they check out a fit black woman and then that ol’ TJ comes back from inherited memories.

Then it Got Weird

Now realizing that they’re part black, White Nationalists everywhere are demanding reparations for the hardships they’ve suffered and that their ancestors have suffered. Leading the charge is one of the Koch brothers, Chad Chaddington Koch. Said Chad…

For years I’ve been giving sloppy blow jobs to black guys, behind various Dominos’ parking lot dumpsters, to prove to America that white dicks are better. I have detailed note books about the sizes, shapes, and rigidity of super-massive black penises. I also document which costumes I wear for each event and if I used protection. Hint, I didn’t! But now that I’m black. Now that I’m Black! It occurred to me how oppressed I’ve been my whole life. I couldn’t even say the N word without getting punched in the face. Yeah, you know what. You know what? Now that I think about it, I realize I’ve been more racisted against than black or white people, because I’m both!!

These “White-Black” people are now demanding reparations, but only for white people with some minor black heritage. They argue that anyone that looks black shouldn’t get it because they were only racisted against for one cultural identity, whereas White-Black people get railed from both directions.

We managed to get a hold of Bif Whitehammer, section chief of ICE Atlanta station. We reached out to him after finding his name in the large data leak in the dank web chat rooms. He was logged on as, @i_always_wondered_why_i_could_twerk, in a chatroom for white survivors of mixed heritage of the 23&Me data leak. Said Whitehammer…

I can’t believe this, this, this betrayal. All this time I’ve been chanting my favorite, white-power lullabies, picking white flowers, asking for mayonnaise instead of catsup, eating only regular potatoes instead of red potatoes, going to Tyler Perry movies and angrily sitting quiet instead of talking to the movie screen, bringing Fatherland porridge to potlucks, driving through black neighborhoods and passive-aggressively shushing people at house parties… only to find out that I’m… 0.004% black? I’ve worked so hard to diabolically hate black people and now I’m, like, completely black?

If the whites and blacks hate each other, and I’m both, then I’ve been double racisted against! I was racisting black people and they’ve been racisting me!! Only reparations will fix this betrayal! Yeah! Only people who are white-black, like me, should get… Well, lemme just put it this way, no one knows how hard it is to be double racisted against. Do I have to sit in the middle of the bus now?

Holy shit, racism is unfair…to me

Parting Thought

One parting thought is that now most of white America knows the truth about its heritage, racism will disappear by next Monday. Just trust us.

America finally won the war on race…