Dear shameless knuckle-dicks, and perverse trolls from the lands of whitey-tighties and misdemeanor rape-convictions, you have washed up on the shores of The Vidalia News Recorder. Congratulations you fuck-knuckles of gnarled hope, you angsty shit-birds of existential dread, you found your way here–to safety.

See, most people would hate your presence, and rightly so! Your words curdle offal as you type, type, type a boring scree of the lamest malfeasance, to shock, infuriate, or murder by words. You are single handedly turning the world to shit. So yeah, fuck you you fucking fucks and all the fucks that wouldn’t fuck you with a ten fuck pole.

But listen, while you’re fucking quite all the way off, could you also get us a Triple-Double cheeseburger with cheese, animal style, more cheese, roll it through the garden, take it to the slaughter house, flap it on the downside, and sprinkle some crink-crink on that stink-stink? Oh, with 2 bags of chili-cheese fries, add onions, chopped pineapple, cheese, and jalapenos? Wait wait… and maybe a Coke Zero, because I’m getting ready for bikini season.

You’re the best, Cutie, thanks!

But some of you trolls said we should get a rope. We did. It’s called our penis. It’s like, really really really big and in charge and also very handsome sporting a nice goatee and a respectable cummerbund. Ask your mom. Go ahead. Apologies in advance if she’s still in hip displacement surgery. You should visit your mom in the hospital. She seemed really nice. Made us a nice cuppa. Yeah look, I’m sorry we broke her hip, but you, you disgusting cunt, you break her heart every single day. So when she gets out of hospital, I think we’re gonna visit again, not to break the other hip with a night of delightable passions, but to show her she can do better than you, her loser child.

If you go see her though, can you be a dear and get us four whole chickens, and another Coke Zero? Oh, and here’s a few bucks. Pick yourself up something nice, like that unstriped polo you’ve been eyeballing for a few weeks. No, really! Go ahead. It’ll be between us girls. A dark blue would really flatter those ocean eyes of yours. Here’s my number, send me a pic when you put it on!

And look, you crazy-fucking ass-wipe who can’t tell the difference between dirt and your own butt holes, we know you’re an Internet troll, and supposedly don’t know much better, but there is a better way. You could eat crayons or quick curing cement, or even lava. Have you considered walking off the world’s piers? There are so many beautiful and picturesque piers to choose from, some might even be in your neighborhood. That will get you started, fuck face.

But between you and me, that shirt looked really good on you. Oh yes! So cute. No really! So look, I know this may seem awkward, but maybe we could go out sometime? I know! But here me out. You’re a troll who looks super hot in that shirt and I’m a single cat-lady with daddy issues! Or I could be! I’d transition for you! I would ROCK your world. I’ll be so crazy you’ll be telling yourself that you could totally fix me. Oooh, yeah baby. Do you wanna come fix me?

So come over and let’s fuck, you fucking asshole!