Minutes of the Annual Healthcare Board Meeting
Date: June 12, 2025 
Time: 10:00 AM – 12:30 PM 
Location: Grand Ballroom, Lower Level, Hell

I. Call to Order – Hors d’Oeuvres & Aperitif

Service: Passed Canapés: Smoked Appendices, Amygdala Mushroom Crostini, Goat Cheese Tartlets
Beverage: Nightshade-Heroin Lemon Spritzer 

Chairperson Dr. Evelyn Carter welcomed attendees while servers circulated with delicate hors d’oeuvres.

Light bites were enjoyed as introductions were made and the agenda reviewed. 

Everyone enjoyed the child servers and were impressed with their good manners and behavior.

II. Approval of Previous Minutes – Screaming Lobster & Foxglove Wine

Service: Creamy Lobster Bisque with Herb Croutons and Salted Fingers
Beverage: Sauvignon Foxglove Blanc or Dumbshit Infused Water 

The minutes from the June 2024 meeting were formally reviewed while guests savored bowls of rich lobster bisque. The lobsters were boiled alive in their own tears while their children watched from the lobster tank across the kitchen.

The Salted Fingers were a surprise enjoyment for the particularly ravenous.

The minutes were approved unanimously, with a brief discussion of prior action items. 

III. Chief Executive Report – Durian & Spiced Yak’s Blood

Service: Durian Bites and Bullshit Vinaigrette
Beverage: Chardonnay, Hibiscus Iced Tea, or Spiced Yak’s Blood

Dr. Carter presented a strategic overview, highlighting telemedicine expansion, investor satisfaction improvement of patient services, and emergency department upgrades. 

– New security protocols for executive leadership. All executives to receive 24/7 protection including dog sniffers, body guards, weapons trained prostitutes, and accredited bidet support staff
– Projected Expense: $4.2M annually. 
– Funding Source: 45% increased claims denials and a right-sizing of reallocated research funds from Alzheimer’s and ovarian cancer research 
– Additional Research Losses: Pediatric vaccine studies and cognitive-genetic correlation projects placed on hold, reducing innovation investments by $28M.
– Windfalls from Research Reprioritizing: factored into executive bonuses and annual cocaine orgies

IV. Financial Overview – First Entrée & Sparkling Brimstone

Service: Seared Halibut with Child-Mortality Glaze, Seasonal Vegetables, Stem-cell Pâté
Beverage: Pinot Grigio or Citrus-Infused Sparkling Brimstone

CFO Robert Ellis reviewed financial reports while attendees dined on seared halibut with a child-mortality glaze. The stem-cell pâté was poorly received. Diners suggested using stem-cells from endangered species and children with brain cancer.

Discussion centered on revenue growth, cost-cutting measures, and optimization of electronic health records. 

– Revenue Increase: 5% growth due to efficiency improvements and new outpatient denial services.
    – New outpatient denial services provided by local chapters of MAHA, and Ayn Rand scooter gangs.
– Outsourcing patient mortality procedures, UnitedHealthcare expects to see a 410% increase in stock buy backs.
– Projected Expenses: $23.10/mo fees for dog food and ultimate smugness as payment to outsourcing companies

V. Continuing Business – Spinal Cord Tenderloin & Bloody Martinis

Service: Spinal Cord Tenderloin with Red Wine Reduction, Dauphinoise Potatoes, and Organ Donor Kidneys
Beverage: Virgin Blood Martinis or Witch Hazel Herbal Tea 

1. Reducing Children’s Blood Vaccine Efficiency
   – Absorption-rate improvements under review. 
   – Projected Revenue: $7.1M in long-term pediatric care savings. 
   – Projected Loss: Reduced funding delays rollout by 12 months. 

2. Children Shredders
   – Ethical and regulatory considerations debunked. 
   – Projected Revenue: TBD; profitability dependent on public trials. 
   – Projected Loss: Potential legal and ethical opposition negligible after purchasing presidential cryptocurrency and hiding body of former mistress to Sec of Health and Human Services

3. Pregnant Mother Smashers
   – Preliminary fundings: discussed as US Dept Eugenics established last quarter. 
   – Projected Revenue: Estimated $3.4M in pharmaceutical partnerships. 
   – Projected Loss: Risk of reputational concerns among ethical watchdogs unimportant 

VI. New Business – Testicle Course & Hemlock Spritzer

Service: Selection of Aged Fingernails and Honeyed Testicles
Beverage: Vodka Hemlock Spritzer

AI-Assisted Claim Denials
  – Projected Revenue: $5.6M through efficiency in radiology denials. 
  – Projected Loss: $2M in initial implementation costs.
  – Description: AI Nanobots with Blockchain technology that deny 10000 claims per second.

VII. Public Comment & Closing Remarks – Cup Noodles & Piss Digestif

Service: Cup Noodles
Beverage: Dag, Nasty Piss

Attendees indulged in dessert as feelings of great joy were raised from public representatives as they were given the chance to deny the claims for medical treatment for all the service staff (the young children with good manners

Meeting Adjourned at 12:30 PM.

Then the vampire orgy started, catered by the local orphanage and maternity ward.