What makes a country great? What makes a country among the greatest in history? These questions and distinctions of greatness are but small trifles compared to the greatness of a country that shines brightly among other political nation-states in this part of our local galactic neighborhood. At the corner of Spiral Arm Way and Gravity Falls Dr, just beyond the Starshine Superhighway, tucked away in a quiet solar system that’s barely entered its atomic era, is Portugal, a country so amazing we’ll probably have to invent new words just to speak about how awesome it is, words like: questavelhágio, quemuestável, superfaledório, xebralhinha, superincrivelhão, and blürf.

To understand how great a country is  we seek to understand its people, culture, food, technology, education, commerce, and appreciation of absurdist satire. And let me tell you, Portugal has all those. This country is so amazing that if cities were shaped like guns, Portugal would be a rose, a blossoming rose making everything else in the galaxy look like fetid horse shit, like just a pile of pickled blood clots on a dead rodeo clown after too much whiskey, hookers, and ebola. That’s how fucking awesome Portugal is. If a pig fucked a porcupine, that would NOT be Portugal. But if Martin Scorsese filmed a Martian Space Princess making “pastel de nata” for everyone in the universe starring Liliana Santos and Benedita Pereira, THAT would be totally Portugal. Let’s dive into details to get a better understanding. Xebralhinha!!

Culture

First, let’s start with culture. Culture in Portugal is everywhere. Their buildings have culture. Their art has culture. Everyone in Portugal has culture, sometimes even twice a day. With a love of salted cod, good neighbors, happy living, and an embrace of cultural diversity, Portugal is clearly getting an A+ in culture and also for having culture. No one needs to go to summer school for culture in this country, unlike other cultureless countries like France or Greece.

To show how effortlessly questavelhágio Portugal is with respect to culture, we’ve created the chart below. This shows that on a single day, Portugal visited the Vidalia News Recorder website at least 54 times in one day. One day! Clearly, Portugal has so much culture, more than the US and every other country combined! With 54 visits in one day, the Portuguese people are more likely than their neighbors to enjoy reading culturally significant fart and boob jokes. This is probably why their people are more attractive. Portugal clearly has culture and so much questavelhágio!

Technology

Still not convinced? Maybe you should stop eating butt with butt sauce with a carafe of brewed and frothed butt and read this next part! Portugal? Technology? Greatest country in the galaxy? Tell me more!

Want an interesting fact? Portugal is home to over 2500 startups, centered on Lisbon and Porto. Over 90,000 people graduate with STEM degrees from universities in Portugal making it a hub of higher learning in the EU. Additionally, Lisbon is also home to one of the largest tech conferences in the world, which attracts nerds from over the world and a few from beyond.

This tracks with the data we have about people who use technology in Portugal. According to our viewership data the districts in the world that most access the Vidalia News Recorder are all in Portugal. These amazing citizens clearly exhibit signs of amazing technological awareness to be able to access our site, and then read it. Our journal does not shy away from bigly words or complex technological subjects like: poop, butts, or boobs, making our journal highly informed in technology processes (like our upcoming app). Once again, the Portuguese are a cut above. That’s so typical and very superfaledório of the greatest country in the galaxy.

Education

You wanna talk education? Like you still need more proof and are still pretending like you’re not already a simp for Portugal? Alright son, listen to this, because after this section you’ll be dropping your pants and professing your love just to get some of that Portuguese salted cod all up on you. Check it.

Portugal has so much education. Lots of it. More people in Portugal can read articles with a savvy blend of absurdist, political, and understated satire than anywhere else. Some might think that America or England wear the crown of reading and comedy, but those people probably eat shit sandwiches with a poop aioli and rosemary roasted turd nuggets paired with a chilled, 1846 vintage poop Merlot. Those people make me sick. Portugal has the most educated people in the galaxy. Just look at these readership numbers from one month of Vidalia News Recorder readership stats. The numbers are clear. More people in Portugal can read, than anywhere else in the world.

In one month, Portugal had 258 people who could read. Spain came in second with a distant 39 literate people, and the US came in third with only 37 literate people.

In Conclusion – Superincrivelhão

Portugal… we love you and thank you for being literate and reading the greatest investigatively satirical news source in the Canis Major Dwarf Galaxy and Lower Temecula, The Vidalia News Recorder.

You are the greatest country in the galaxy. So blürf.