San Francisco, CA

Having children in this crazy world is a very personal choice that increasing numbers of men are choosing not to do. Thanks to modern technology, the surgical techniques to help men have come a long way over the millennia to improve mortality rates post procedure. Silicon Valley tech company, Microsoft, has partnered with the Our Lady of the Sacred Balls Hospital located in the Tender Phallus district, here in San Francisco, to research technologies for improving vasectomy morality rates.

Many people are surprised to learn that Microsoft is a key player in the field of surgical vasectomies, but a further review of the company’s name reveals an obnoxious double-entendre that no one actually expected to be realized in the real world, or in the farcically nonsensical world of the universe’s greatest satire… or in this article either. In farce, Microsoft first got its start in developing surgical procedures just for men, by picking up the paternity dodging torch of every man just looking for a good time without all the hassle.

Since the dawn of mankind, men have been trying to “get with” women. Historians tell us that early Australopithecus did indeed get down to fun-town with nothing more than a barbed club, a cozy cave, a little Aqua Velva, and a half-empty promise to provide a saber-hooved goat for his paramour’s mother every month. This lasted until the invention of mothers-in-law, paternity tests, and lawyers.

Once caveman learned he was making all those children whenever he would sensually lay down his chosen mate on a bed of hemlock, caveman roses with the smoothest pebbles, and slide his throbbing warlord inside her dewy and quivering commune of the universal love goddess and she would cry out in a throaty gasp while flush with new sensations awakening inside her, “Dirk Masterson! Don’t hide your true caveman feelings from me! You have to fuck me to save the future of all humans from the Brontosaurus Chieftain”, that’s when the jig was up and that caveman man became more discerning about sexing his mate.

This left cavemen everywhere with one burning question, that would eventually be the silent force behind all scientific discovery in medicine: how could a caveman have sex WITHOUT making children? But, unknown to all men save but a very few, this is where humanity was tricked by its oldest nemesis who also wanted a world without human children to rise up against him. And so secrets stayed secreted away in the vaults of time forgotten, turning fact into lore and lore into rumor, and rumor into the dust of inaudible whispers.

The very first forms of medical procedures to render men infertile usually involved holistic approaches that sought the purity of the One-Love Gaia Healing Earth Mother medicine. Shaman tribe healers would either use the moose jaws (in Northern climes) or donkey kicks (in Southern climes). Each medicinal process was recommended to be delivered up to ten times, per testicle, until each was rendered into a soupy, oatmeal like consistency, salted obviously.

These medical devices did have their drawbacks. Moose jaw stocks would regularly crash the local economic markets–wiping out the 2 & 5 year futures teepee, igloo, and urt equity–anytime a group of teenage moose meese moosens went galloping drunk through the center of the tents, spending the night driving their father’s Ford pickups and smashing rural mail boxes.

Further South, donkey kicks weren’t more reliable. While a donkey could be counted on to kick anything, anytime, anywhere, that’s where the accountability ended. Many infertility procedures for men ended up as lobotomies for everyone in the operating theater & barber & cigar hut. Donkeys had such a history for defiantly and viciously kicking things that the donkey wranglers became the first breed of Western culture ninjas. That you’ve never heard of them means they were that successful. These Donkey Ninjas are the baddest mother-flubbers you never heard of, until now that I’m expressly and explicitly writing about them for the first time in human history…

… Oh shit…

Noooooo!!!!!

<gasp>I’ve been cleft in twain by a sword of the hardest, most stubborn metal, with designs of fighting donkeys etched into the blade… … if only I didn’t mention those amazing Donkey Ninjas

Noooooo!!!!

… choking…..

<gasp> I didn’t even get to tell all the nutcracker-vasectomy jokes yet… how the first ones were used during ballets on guests of honor… I mean, there’s literally a million jokes right there… but now I’m dying because I mentioned the secret cabal of donkey trained Western ninjas… Wait!!

…

<gasp> Am I still alive? How can this be?… … I didn’t even mention the joke about how Scandinavian countries would operate on testicles, by… pushing men–testicle first and from the tops of trees–onto piles of small, angular, brightly-colored bricks used to build the first homes for gnomes…

<gasp> I can feel death, drawing near… there’s a donkey-blade puncturing my right lung… and ninja throwing spurs in my eyes…

<gasp> and I’ll never be able to explain that earlier quip about a nemesis… what even was that??? … you’ll never know… … it was hilarious…