Are you tired of waiting in long lines to use the restroom? Have you missed your favorite songs at concerts because there aren’t enough restrooms? Do men regularly mock you for taking too long to pee? Have you ever woken up with resting Monday-face and wondered how expedited urination could help you perk the fuck up? Today, the Mennen brand announces a breakthrough invention aimed at helping women pee faster.

Originally known as a brand for men’s shaving and deodorant products, Mennen is excited to announce its new invention, the Lady Speedy Pee. But what exactly is it, why invent this now, and how have decades of creating male products positioned Mennen to become a product leader in the female tinkle space? While the company is excited about the new product launch, some wonder if this product will introduce a heavy stream of revenue or be a slow drip of demise. I can tell you now, executive sources are expecting a golden shower of bonuses and stock rallies.

First invented by doctors Yuri, Nate, et Hertz, the Lady Speedy Pee is a sleek, form fitting tube with one end that attaches to a female’s pee-pee area. The other end is ergonomically designed to elegantly stick out from under her dress, skirt, or pants and fold up in a waiting state. Women are encouraged to bring their own sense of fashion to their own Lady Speedy Pee, by Mennen, when affixing the external urine portal to her clothes, either by quick-stitching, buttons, or clothes pins. Women wanting a more “masculine”aesthetic can opt for duct-tape to attach the external ejaculate port to their Fendi, D&G, or Carhartt couture.

The internal, private side of the Lady Speedy Pee, by Mennen, realizes that the mysteries of a woman’s “Secret Garden” are, indeed, mysterious. In coordination with top notch urologists, wombologists, and ladyologists alike, the New Lady Speedy Pee, by Mennen, is equipped with a variety of ports and attachments to glamorously attach to the female pee-pee bits and collect the urine for explosive emancipation. Because each woman is unique in size, shape, and no-no parts, and also given that science has yet to truly unlock the secrets of the female body to understand where her urine even comes from–the New Lady Speedy Pee comes with the following urine collection options that the frisky and fancy-free wearer can use.

Maybe on workdays she’d prefer the vaginal insert, and weekends the athletic freedom of the water collection cup. Some women may be more compatible with the rectal insert to collect urine. For the technologically inclined women the product also offers these collection options: Internet cable, USB-C, phone line, and HO scale model train attachments.

However the Good Lord assembled your downstairs sprinkler and spinctler, we probably have the right equipment to help you pee with confidence and speed.

Units start at $15