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Huggies And Sir Mixalot Announce “Badonkadonk Diapers.” Making Sure Your Baby Got Back

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Title image with collage of images and article title. The images show babies with large bottoms, a phrase saying "Twerk The Donk", and another image showing a farcical equation proving "badonkadonk"

In 2025, are boobs too big, too small, too perky, too saggy, too yummy-honk-honk-slurpy-slurp? Likewise, are waists and butts too round, too flat, too silky, too milky, or too existentially flatulent? Who gets to decide, and why do “they” get to decide? Should we not all decide through some form of representative hot-ocracy? Is an oligarchical sexy-ocracy really what we want? Are we all just fooling ourselves by thinking that if we try hard enough we’ll be able to avoid the fletched words shot by basic bitches who live dwarfed by a single, stray thought or modicum of self-reflection? Can we really “have it all?”

Of course not, asshole! Don’t be a sappy dipshit. Did you think we could “have it all” if we can’t decide if we should feed the poor? If you don’t know that answer you ain’t invited to the after party. Which sucks for you because this party has strippers dancing on poles designed by MC Escher! Multidimensional, variable-gravity, pole-dancing for the win!!! Are they dancing on the ceiling or are you sitting on the wall?! “MC Escher Poles” is not just the stage name of your teenage daughter’s DJ boyfriend. But, speaking of beauty gone wild… Huggies and Sir Mixalot would like a word with you at this year’s DiaperCon, at the fine Marriott on MLK Drive.

Inside at the con and coming out on stage, A now senior but still very suave, Sir Mixlot–having recently been promoted to Brigadier General Mixalot and commanding the 10th brigade of the Rap-Nasty Corps of the United States of Funk–walks up on a dais, dripping with charisma and glam, sporting a maroon Armani 3-piece with a bedazzled pimp-cane by Tiffany. The greatest accent of his wardrobe though is the gigantic diaper that’s making his ass look so huge that Kim K’s Skims just filed copyright infringement against “dat ass.” Brigadier General Mixalot leans into the mic and pumps the audience up while his double rump-pump bounces around like two cats snorting catnip.

“Don’t overthink beauty. Your Beauty-Booty requires sacrifice, conformity, and suffering. Buckle up Buttercup and get your baby’s booty ready to be summer bootyfull!”

Brigadier General Mixalot on stage, at DiaperCon '25, shouting at a baby on stage saying "Baby Got Back!!"

Then a parade of babies with the fattest, juiciest booties come out in a high kick line to the sound of “Baby Got back”. After a few minutes of dancing, Brigadier General Mixalot exits the stage and on walks the CEO of Huggies–a Swedish national by birth–named, Finna Pyoøp. Ms. Pyoøp takes her place behind the podium, calms the music down and starts her slide presentation. The crowd hushes in anticipation of this year’s most awaited fashion event.

“Starting Monday, parents everywhere will be able to improve the lives of their tykes with new Badonkadonk Diapers!” At this news, the crowd explodes in applause. “Finally, your baby will have the juicy ass of a 20 year old Malaysian prostitute!!” Ms. Pyoøp calmly waits for the applause to die down. She changes the slide and begins a short story.

Illustrations of babies with big butts and the phrases: "Twerk The Donk", "Donk is Love", "Thunder Twerk", and "Double Donk"

“Little Timmy and Lisa have low self-esteem. Showing up to Pre-K, or the nursery, with low quality trunks make Timmy and Lisa sad. Their friends Tyrell and Shanique always have the biggest booties and therefore always have the most friends and the most gold stickers. Teachers love Tyrell and Shanique, but they hate Timmy and Lisa. They just, fucking hate them. It’s depressing really, and highly unethical. Luckily for Timmy, his parents love him. Starting next week, Timmy will be sporting a new Badonkadonk Diaper.

An illustration of a lab with scientists trying to figure out how to create the greatest Donk diapers with a proving theorem about a summation series that equals "badonkadonk"

“There are many styles to choose from but Timmy’s parents want the best for him so he’ll be wearing one of our athleisure diapers: the Thunder Twerk. This diaper features the relaxed feel of a late 90’s Russian tracksuit with the bubble butt of a Kardashian Champagne Waterfall. Watch out Timmy’s teacher, he’ll need two chairs starting next week!

“These are the styles we’re launching and their fashion audience…” Mrs. Pyoøp changes the slide and shows this infographic.

The chart has three columns: 1. Product Line 2. Description 3. Base Price per Unit Here are the entries: 1. Dumps Like A Truck – For black-tie events and state dinners – $1,000.00 2. Badonkadonkatrunktronk – For hedge fund mixers with elite company – $500.00 3. Thunder Twerk – Athleisure diapers for nights out – $100.00 4. Double Donk – Power diaper for boardroom meetings – $60.00 5. Badonkadonk – Makes the Michelin Man jealous – $25.00 6. Baby Donk – Playground street cred – $10.00 7. Becky – For all-you-can-eat salad night at Pizza Hut – $5.00 The design features bright pinks and playful fonts, clearly intended for comedic effect, especially with the name "Brigadier General Mixalot" referencing Sir Mix-a-Lot.

“But poor Lisa. She still wears regular diapers, with no social fashioning or ass-lifting. She’ll be, dare I say, a «quote» regular baby with an ass so flat she won’t even register as a Becky. Lisa will probably grow up to be a manager with experience in spreadsheets and fewer than 1000 followers on the socials. But it’s not too late for your baby!! Get your Badonkadonk Diapers now!!”

Before leaving the launch party, everyone was handed marketing material, a party bag with Courvoisier & baby booties, and small cup of celebrity semen to “get your family started right away!”

It was a beautiful event with beautiful people and I knew we were all ending up in hell.