Well look who’s becoming a real investigatively satirical news journal!! That’s right Veenarians, the Vidalia News Recorder has an exclusive interview with Donald Trump’s long lost Russian brothers: Lev, Arkadi, and Boris. The brothers recently came to the States on a similar exchange that brought the Tate Brothers into the country. The story of the lost Trump brothers is saddening and complicated. It’s harrowing, heartbreaking, humiliating, but ultimately one that reaffirms our faith in commercialism and capitalism. By the almighty dollar can questionably separated brothers be reunited. Amen.
Below are excerpts from interviews with the brothers. It’s a transcript of phone conversations over the course of a few days.
VNR: Gentlemen, hello! It’s a pleasure to speak with you! Can you introduce yourselves and tell us a little bit about you?
Boris: Yes, hello. We are Donald Trump’s Brothers Amercanski: Lev, Arkadi, & Boris. Yes, America big time! That is us. We like make much laws to help all Americans learn new national language, Russian English. We are so good at English. In fact, we so good at your English, we are now, how do you say, Head of Nukes, da? Yes, Head of Nukes. Lev, make sure you let brother Donnie know Big Time good news. Yes… call him now! No, I don’t care if Elon Muskovich is home. Dat little bitch boy sold my niece a self driving Tesnlik. It ran off road, to… how you say… to avoid baby duckling. Anyway, my niece in Tesnlik as it drive off bridge. It land in water. Arkadi, why so worried about my twenty years niece? In America, she your niece too! Don’t forget. Yes yes, everything fine, well, until battery exploded and niece die in terrible car fire. So weird. How battery explode under the water, right? In Russia, everything explode, even BEARS!!! hahahaha… Get it? Bears?? Hahaha… Oh, I am laughing now. So much laughing. I am laughing so hard now I pull muscle in groin! Hahaha— okay, I am done laughing. Lev, Don’t forget, we are now Head of Nukes! Tell Donnie.
VNR: Guys, since arriving in the States have you spoken to the President?
Boris: Little Donald? Da, da. Yes, we speak with Donald. Hehehe. Yes. Donald “Baby Hands” was surprised to hear call from us, yes? He say “Shit, they’ll never believe this.. Big Daddy Putin, please, this won’t work.” We don’t know what he means, nyet! So we tell him: “Donald! It’s us, your long lost brothers Americanski! We wish we help you and come to America. You need help around house? Maybe in cabinet position? What about with Head of Nukes?” Lev, quiet! Dad say I talk to press. Yes, dumb dumb. Widalia News Recorder is best news Americanski, duh!
VNR: Where were you when you discovered you were the long, lost brothers to Donald Trump, and how did you find out?
Arkadi: I take this. Da? Okay. Yes. Hello Comrade Americanski Greatest Satirical Newspaper! I say that right, yes?? Okay, as you agree, that another $200 you owe me!
Boris: What? Who owe you Arkadi, you moron? Nobody owe you nothing! The greatest funny newspaper is of course from, eh, how you say, mmmm… Canuss. May-johr. Doo-wahrf. Gah-Lahk-See. Da? Oh oh, yes, and Lower Temecula, you know, whatever a “Temecula” is. Okay American friends, Prost!! Now I do it better, said whole thing with “gahlacksee,” like you want. That $300 you owe me, but forget Arkadi. I apologize for him. You like breathing Mr. VNR? You Venmo me and everybody keep breathing.
Okay, yes, good. All set Mr. VNR. Okay we first got call about long lost brother on our last job. It was a real owl, as you say, da? Because owls go “hoot, hoot” yes? I am thinking I am very good at your English Americanski now. So, we get call. Ask no questions. And there you have it. To be honest, I not sure we even look like him. But family is tricky thing, nyet? Da.
VNR: I’d like to circle back to something you said earlier. You claimed to be the, let’s see… The Head of Nukes. Can you elaborate? How did you get this position and what makes you qualified to be the, uhh, “Head of Nukes Americanski?”
Lev: Who told you?! How you get this information?! Do you recording this for spies?!? I KILL YOUR MOTHER!!!
Boris: Lev, Lev… Chill out bro. Have a drink! Mr. VNR knows because we told him. This is practice interview with fake news. Not real. No one believe Mr. VNR.
VNR: Wait, what? So it’s real? And what do you mean, fake news? We are the absolute best satirical news!!
Boris: Mr. VNR, please. You’re embarrass yourself. Everyone know best satirical news is maybe Fox News or The Onion. The Onion! Now they know satire! You remember the one about how Jesus do–what is called–“Ascension Dunk?” That, Mr. VNR, is gold plated jokings. I laugh so hard I shoot my babushka with my Kalishnakov. Ooh, that was bad day, but nothing little garlic vodka can’t fix. But what about Mr. VNR? Your sex-video with sheep have more jokes than your newspaper. I get anus exam at doctor and laugh more with ff ft free. Doing arson on little cars filled with clowns is funnier. But you are Vidalia. Nobody chuckle except Arkadi, but mother drop him on head a lot. Oh bro, why you think his head is flat? But yes, good news for you Mr. VNR. You get scoop that I am new nukes boss. You tell the world first. Maybe they believe you, but… maybe not. Hehehe. How you like my evil laugh? Is good, yes? Slow and menacing, that’s what I practice. Every morning, I look in mirror, recite personal affirmations like: “you are big boy,” “momma loves you best because not dropped on head,” and “I am strong, emotionally vulnerable, and evil.” Yes, and then I practice my laugh, like this: Heh, heh, heeehhhhhhh… One more, I can do better: Heh heh heh heehhhhhhhh.
VNR: But, earlier you said WE were the best. Why are you saying different now? I thought we were comrades!
Lev: Who told you?! How you get this information?! Do you recording this for spies?!? I KILL YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER!!!
Boris: Whoa Lev!! Take chill pill bro! Jeez man. Your blood pressure must be high, like Sputnik. Or high like Mr. VNR here if he thinks jokes are funny. Heh heh heh heehhhhhhhh… That was good one, nyet?
VNR: Nyet so fast, Boris! You know what? Let me tell you a thing or two Mr. Fancy Borscht. We may not be as fancy as those writers at The Onion, that can afford to eat with their mouths and wear pants on BOTH legs. Sure maybe they have both tires on their bicycles, a full set of ears, and fingers so sexual they can type the pants off an old lady but you know what we can do? Do you? We can spot a crappy villain laugh from a mile away (or roughly 850 giraffes standing on top of each other, tightly packed, no sitting or leaning). And we’ve had it up to HERE with your terrible villain laugh
Editor's Note: for those enjoying the written edition of this article--instead of the executive, smokey jazz soliloquy version--when the interviewer refers to "here" he points to a place on the escape route map in his office that says "you are here." An odd gesture certainly considering that visual aids on a phone call are useless and we've had it up to HERE with that nonsense. Hehehe... and HERE!
And you, knave, have a terrible villain laugh! Yeah!! You could never be “Boss of Nukes” with that terrible laugh! It’s terrible! And you know what else? Do ya? It’s terrible!!
Boris: Whoa WHAT?! Mr. VNR, what is happenink? I thought you were chill bro, make believe to make jokes, live luxury life of tactical, geopolitical satirist. But who is knowing, maybe we deliver little suitcase with surprise one day? Maybe, I don’t know, but maybe it already delivered, da? Maybe suitcase is unstable, you know, like bad craftsmanship. Maybe if Mr. VNR tinkle too loud, or chewing gum too quickly, or write another bad joke then… BOOM!
Anyway, what you mean my villain laugh is bad. I work on this for many months now. Got to have best evil laugh to be Head of Nukes, you know.
Here, I try again. You’ll see: heh he heh he he heeeehhhhh. No wait, that was to high. I try again, give me back phone Arkadi. Your evil laugh is so not evil, more like snake getting punched by vodka. Hehehehe… See Mr. VNR, now that’s funny! Maybe I should write for…
VNR: Yeah… I’m still not buying the evil or the laugh. Maybe you should eat some fish while you practice? I’ll have one sent over.
<a fish is cooked and prepared. Before final wrapping & shipping, a few red sticks are placed inside the fish's mouth. Attached to the red sticks are fuses which conspicuously stick out of the fish's mouth. The fish is packed in the box along with instructions that simply read: "Light these fuses to eat." The box is wrapped, sealed, and delivered.>
Arkadi: Many thank yous Mr. VNR. We accept this gigantic fish as symbol of friendship. I will now get out lighter, and light fuse sticking out of fish mouth, like instructions say.
Boris: You fool!!! Nooo…
And, like the dodo, the tasmanian devil, and Conservative ethics–Boris, Lev, & Arkadi were never seen again.
Vidalia News Recorder 