Every year journalists and journalism outlets compete to be the greatest of all news sources. Often these competitions take the forms of award ceremonies, street brawls in picturesque San Diego, bull fights, or elaborate LARP sessions pitting the competing journalists against a horde of undead readers trying to raise the possessed corpse of Roger Ailes. With all these competitions for journalistic excellence abound, how is anyone to know the truth about the most accurate success of journalism? Thank you BuzzFeed Listicles.
According to the annual BuzzFeed Listicle of Greatest Most Trusted Sources Of News That People Trust And Are Great, there are two that stand out as being the most greatest and trusted news sources on the entire planet, and the results may shock you!
We’re also including stale cigs scores from Stale Smokes (owned by the parent company of Rotten Tomatoes), a site that scores journalistic efforts.
Vidalia News Recorder
Buzzfeed
10/10 Holy. Fuuuuuuck!!!
Stale Smokes
98% Fresh Pack
Your Mom
Buzzfeed
8/10 Yeah, uh, pretty good.
Stale Smokes
61% Fresh. Needs Tamping
MSNBC
Buzzfeed
6/10. Damn fam, why?
Stale Smokes
49% Stale. EU Import
Fox News
Buzzfeed
3/10. Lame Stream Media
Stale Smokes
9% Stale. Emphysema
The Breakdown. VNR vs Your Mom!
WHO
Your Mom
The saint who made your entire life easier.
The VNR
The satire journal that didn’t rat you out to your mom when you started looking at internet sites of furries. That’s right two “r”s. This ain’t no Greek tragedy.
AGE
Your Mom
Undisclosed. Estimates place her age at 24 (when she’s dancing with Diego at a Brazilian bar on a night out during her annual mindfulness and inward-reflection retreat) to upwards of 200 Million years when she dated a dinosaur (according to you at ages 4-26)
The VNR
Timeless beings of light and satire, with an amazing skin care regime, from the Canis Major Dwarf Galaxy and Lower Temecula
WHAT
Your Mom
Modern day holistic apothecary, or was she an accountant? You don’t remember!! Why didn’t you pay more attention to your mother? If only you’d listen you would know she was actually… Not so fast! You gotta ask her yourself, Sally Chumpkins.
The VNR
Same answer as above: funny aliens evolved into gentlemen monkeys, great skincare, fighting Global Tetrahedron one day at a time
WHERE
Your Mom
Your home, the Pic-n-Save, the nail salon, an occasional and completely accidental visit to the PTA Swingers bowling events
The VNR
Originally from the great methane lake of, Lake Tittybooby, on Planet Bleepblorp, in the Canis Major Dwarf Galaxy. Crash landed 26,000 years ago in Lower Temecula (a lesser known part of Earth where the vineyards supply grapes for soda flavors and industrial lubes)
WHEN
Your Mom
When was the last time you called? Hmmm? We’re disappointed in you already.
The VNR
You don’t need to call us very often. We’re already watching your private moments and believe you’ll pay dearly to keep them private
WHY
Your Mom
Since your mom was head of the PTA and queen bee of the local Hipster Cougars With Hipster Hats union, your mom is plugged the fuck in to the local hot goss. In fact, we often hire your mom for local reporting in your area. Be on the lookout for the upcoming article “Why is my child not dating the single doctor”
The VNR
Why not? When you’re at the top of your game you don’t do it for the fans anymore. We do it because we can’t help it, and because we’re dropping bombs like The US on brown countries. Everyone gets a laugh.
How
Your Mom
All we can assume is your mom, Janice, talks, a lot. Sooo freakin much.
The VNR
We use sensitive satirion particles to generate and transmit data that is both secure and hilarious. It’s a lot like quantum fart particles.
How Much
Your Mom
So. Much…
The VNR
Free for now, until you get addicted. Then we demand 20% GDP, plus the standard comedian day-rate for our staff.
Vidalia News Recorder 