Tired of cheating husbands, dramatic girlfriends, jobless jabronies, miserable mistresses, frigid wives, and the slew of humanity that identify as ignoramuses?
Are you salivating at the quiet life your single friends have? Anxious to sleep with anything that walks or rolls, without the stigma of infidelity? Is it time to live your best Hoe life?
Have you tried breaking up but find you’re bad with words? Maybe you don’t have the courage to do it alone and you need help? Or maybe you’re too busy being ovary deep in the dating pool to do the breakup yourself?
Maybe what you need is a professional breakup service! Why do you need us? Don’t take our word for it, read these customer reviews!!
Testimonials
Good Head Bear, Fictional Cartoon Character
So, you probably don’t remember me from one of your parent’s favorite cartoon shows, and I have the Bespoke Breakup Service from the Vidalia News Recorder to thank for that. Without getting into details, for personal and legal reasons, I’m a bear that enjoys male bears, a lot. Hmmm, yes. I was in a group of bears that helped people. They cared, a lot, do you catch my drift? While my friends were out riding some LSD induced rainbow bridge to Helpsville, or whatever they did to help children and people, I preferred to help out the cartoon’s production crew, y’know, the camera assistants, best boys, key grips, and catering, yum! I provided important, ummm, “moral” support to the guys. Honestly, the stage days lasted 18-20 hours at times. And I… rallied the troops, as it were.
But, there’s always controversy when you care too much, and I did. One day, Benji–a little shit of a Boston Terrier that absolutely nobody liked who also happened to be the season four executive producer–walked in on me and Rainbow Bear in the broom closet, with a few of those blue gnomes from the cartoon stage across the hall. Terrible conversationalists but they could reach places that, well, that was a time when people “confused” baking flour for cocaine. Anyway, that little rainbow bear was really an asshole. He could turn it off at the word “cut,” but not me. He rats me out to all the misses bears at home and all of a sudden I’m the bad slut? Just for making people happy? So, I found I needed to “break up” with the whole crew, and all the bears, and the B-crew, and marketing, and those little blue gnomes, and also avoid a few warrants for illicit behavior. Things were getting dicey. So I called The VNR. And they worked wonders. Now? No one can remember my name, Good Head Bear. And?! I get to pay off my debt at The VNR as a prized member of the staff.
Elon Musk, World’s Richest Asshole
Oh, wow. This service has changed my life. Definitely. Yeah! The technology that the Vidalia News Recorder has to facilitate breakups, is, revowutionary. Seriously. How do you think I have so many baby-mommas? There’s no way I could do these breakups myself. Using the cutting-edge technology available at The VNR today, like seriously, right now, they were able to create a public persona of me as being extremely rich and–this is crazy–but also the head of multiple technology companies. I don’t know what I’m doing. Like duh, I just had two rockets crash. But the persona that The VNR created for me was so successful that I now run the United States and like people give me more money for more rockets. Oh god. It’s just, wow. Y’know? Think about it. Me, a failure in multiple business, now at the top. It’s like I’m Donald Trump’s twin, and that’s what The VNR saw when they created this identity for me.
Let’s be honest, if I didn’t have the appearance of this much money, there’s no way I’d be able to sleep with the execs at my companies. I would have had to marry the first one and, like, ugh… I would’ve had to stay there. So gross. Now, I can copulate everywhere and use the Bespoke Breakup Service to move on.
Thanks Vidalia News Recorder!
So How Can The VNR Help You?
By using our patented break-up technologies, The Vidalia News Recorder is able to position you into the free agent market of romance and legal standing within the US.
Each one of our powerful methods utilize the core tenants of The Vidalia News Recorder’s, patented break-up technology. While we can’t discuss each of the core tenants that drives our wildly successful results, we can share one of the formulative postulates from our divine thought leader, Scribbles J. O’Hanrahan. The first formulative postulate of anti-attachment technology is:
If your partner begins to question the fundamentals of reality, then were you ever really there?
Scribbles J. O’Hanrahan, from “The Twelve Sided Mind-Sides of Pre-Evolutionary Romantic Post-Existence”
Breakup Services
Get familiar with our approaches to liberating you from that cheater, do-gooder, dud, klutz, drama-queen, scrub, etc.
Parties
Some people throw parties to celebrate a breakup. We throw parties to make breakups happen. We once hired Jigsaw to throw a breakup party for B. Affleck. He was flirting with Dunkin at the time and there was no room for J-Lo
Emails
For starter pricing we offer an email crafting service. Read a preview of our highly successful template example…
Dear Mr./Ms./Cap’t Poopy-doody,
You are a stupid/stinky/gelatinous poopy-doody. I’ve met some real poopy-doody poop-heads in my life, but you are the poopiest and doodiest of all poopy-doodies. Your face is dumb and you’re a poopy-doody.
Word-Fist Fights
Sometimes speaking-with-words doesn’t speak-with-words well enough when speaking-with-word-fists speaks with words so much better.
By utilizing the VNR’s large collection of word-fist, adatalcative technologies, we can measure your mouth-palm to find your exact word-fist to carefully craft the perfect break-up fist fight.
Singing Telegram
Imagine your soon-to-be ex finishes wiping their gross, poopy bottoms in the public bathroom at the MTA. They open the stall door, when all of a sudden they see a three piece jazz band, their disappointed mother, and a clown eating bacon. Then the band starts up with an electric polka cover of Bryan Adams’ “I do it for you,” with the lyrics changed to “I break up with you.” When the song ends, the clown stairs your ex down with a haughty disapproval, and won’t share his bacon. Your ex is destroyed, and freshly shits their pants.
A Gift Box of Monkeys with Knives
This highly technical service is a favorite among librarians, hoteliers, and robotic police officers owned and operated by a fictionalized corporate controlling interest in the city of Detroit.
The VNR delivers–direct to your ex sensual lover’s grandparents and romantic book club–a gift wrapped box of shit-throwing, howler monkeys with knives. They’re hungry, angry, and shipped with copies of “Atlas Shrugged” to increase their existential rage to levels comparable with Jeanine Piro talking about immigrants.
Additional Services
When customized services are required to perfectly execute your break-up, our Bespoke Break-Up Services are there for you.
- Orgies with burlap nighties
- Double murder-suicide yacht party
- Close call car jacking
- 14,000 spam messages
- Lava
- Fake employment Interview process with Mr. Peanut
- Buying shoes… filled with glass shards and ennui
- NYC subway mugging
All services come with 2 glossy 8×10 photos of their stupid faces in mid breakup, a burnable certificate of dissolution, and a waiver that “your song” can be reused in future romances.
Vidalia News Recorder 