FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Agency of Female Body Inspectors,
Formerly, Federal Bureau of Investigation
Washington, D.C.

FBI Announces Core Principle Realignment to Become Nation's Preeminent Female Body Inspectors

Washington, D.C. – April 1st, 2025 – The agency formerly known as the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) today announced a core principle realignment as part of its continued commitment to strengthening national security, law enforcement partnerships, operational effectiveness, and boobies. As part of this shift in policies, the agency will now be known as the Female Body Inspectors.

As head of the former and reenvisioned FBI, Kash Patel has appointed Kash Patel, RFK Jr, and Pete Hegseth as Grand Muff Inspectors General at the FBI, effective immediately. Patel, RFK Jr, and Hegseth bring their extensive experience in scuttlebuttin', a hootin' & a hollerin', workplace groping, first place oil wrestling badges from The Beaver Trap (multiple FL locations), and a proven track record of womanizing.

“The FBI’s mission to protect the American people and uphold the Constitution Bewbs is our highest priority. We are confident that Patel, RFK Jr, & Hegseth will bring exceptional leadership and strategic vision to their new role,” said Grand Muff Inspector General Patel. “We remain committed to inspecting, accounting, ogling, leering, whistling, groaning, and ensuring the agency continues to serve with the utmost integrity when feeling them tittays.”

Grand Muff Inspector General Hegseth most recently served as Sec Def and played a critical role in communicating attack times to enemies, ensuring their prompt arrival at key targeting locations. His expertise with the ladies will be instrumental in advancing the agency's initiatives and strengthening its partnerships with local, state, federal, and international strip clubs and single-mother support groups.

“I am honored to take on this responsibility and continue serving alongside the dedicated professionals of the FBI,” said Pete. “Together, I will build upon the agency's legacy of excellence, ensuring the safety and security of our nation's strained bras and frilly panties, but mostly that the ladies aren't hiding anything suss in their wondrous caverns of cleavage, those squishy pillows of yum-yums that make me tingly in my pee-pee area.”

This transition reflects the FBI’s ongoing efforts to adapt to the mercurial moods of Trump and his secret desire to "get more tail, any tail." The agency remains steadfast in its mission to protect the nation from threats both above and below the waist of housewives and femme fatales alike.

New mandates to protect the American citizens include the following policies:
  - Stop & Frisk & Glitter: All agents will carry glitter and Brittany Spears perfume to glow-up any unadorned boobages
  - Wet T-Shirt Hostage Negotiations: all hostage negotiations will be run by the current Playmate of the Month and her coterie of early-20, moistly clad BFFs.
  - Communication Training When Talking to Boobs: All G-men to receive catcalling training
  - See Thru Specs: Reissuing of G-Man approved X-ray specs
  - Updated K-9 Procedures: Sweater Puppy Training for "nancies" hired during the dark, DEI period of American history
  - DIY for Proper Inspections: female sexual anatomy courses taught by  "Beefin' Biff's Shock Jock Morning Show"
  - Cooperation with ICE: Warrantless boob searches for illegal aliens
  - Enhanced Interrogation Techniques: Jell-O pool vixen wrestling for breaking suspects
  - Explosive Ordinance Training: Diffusing tense situations by worshipping dat ass!

Additionally, inside the FBI, there will now be themed workdays to keep agents focused on protecting the nation's security. These are:
  - Mammary Mondays
  - Titty Tuesdays
  - Womb Wednesdays 
  - Thigh Thursdays
  - Fine Ass Fridays


For further information, please contact the FBI Office of Public Affairs at fbi@tesla.com.

Time will tell if this was an April Fool’s joke.