Editor's Note: 
Congrats you reprobates! You just had to keep masturbating, didn't you?!

Pope Francis, having been infected with a serious pneumonia, is showing signs of improvement, and indeed is expected to be off oxygen tanks altogether. Soon after, he expects to be back in office and dishing out our-fathers from the top of the paint while Cardinal Vincenzo sets the pick for the hail Mary rebounds. Pope Francis was at the top of his confession game before the infection. We have it on good authority that he’ll be back to his old self in no time. But, how did he make such a quick turnaround? Is it considered, miraculous? Doctors at The Vatican Hospital for Popes and Stuff might say so regarding their new Popeumonia vaccine.

By creating the Popeumonia vaccine, the doctors in the Religious & Science Fiction Wings of The Vatican Hospital for Popes and Stuff were able to combat the sinful infection of the earthly pneumonia. This breakthrough in religious healthcare for all Popes uses tiny bacteriophages that, when blessed with the blood of the first Werepope of Schätzenburg, are converted to penitentbacteriophages.

These new organisms combat the bodily infection and the moral infection simultaneously. While the infection vector for pneumonia is well understood, this new, morally superior, sin-eating, microscopic cell deploys a neural shame accelerant, a series of overly-long sermonizing secretions, and piety lasers, against a spiritual infection. The infection vector of spiritual infections are often introduced by the demon realm, a local hell mouth, sometimes a Baptist or two, or a Mormon, the comedy of Andy Dick or Greg Gutfeld, blowing Hannity in the bathroom at the back of a Greyhound bus, some girls gone wild, or just a very strong coffee.

Pope Francis first fell ill with pneumonia weeks ago upon learning that you’ve been masturbating. Yes, you. Every week, the Holy See, the Pope, and Jesus Christ–your Lord and savior who died on a cross for your sins such as masturbating to issues of Cat Fancy–discuss the latest news of the world, geopolitics, climate change, and how often you go to shamefully wank to pictures of orange tabbies. This weekly meeting usually lasts an hour, but for the past month it’s lasted longer than normal since you started masturbating before work, after work, or in the bathtub. Every time you ejaculate into your Garfield hand puppet,  Jesus Christ writes an entry into your spiritual ledger saying:

“JFC. Godless sinner fucks Garfield in the mouth again. Why do I have to see it? Why can’t I close my eyes? Why do I have to watch from the corner of the room on top of the dirty pile of puppets? Fuck. Where’s that water?  Big Daddy J needs to get lit after seeing that.”

However, this week’s holy meeting was different. This time, they reviewed the footage.

While the first thirty minutes of the meeting were the same business as usual: Trump, Putin, climate change, new cereal flavors, global suffering, global happiness, leprechauns, and starting a new Vatican professional basketball team (“The J Crew”), the conversation turned bleak at forty six minutes in when an emissary from the Holy See started reviewing your masturbation footage, in 8K HD with 12-bit color and Dolby 7.1 surround sound. The things you did to Garfield–while delicately holding the latest issue of Trucker Cat Jezebels–were unspeakable. That’s when his holiness fell ill physically, watching you shame your mother, your family, your ancestors, and Jesus “Fucking” Christ himself.

Doctors at the Vatican Hospital think his Holiness also fell ill with the spiritual pneumonia followed shortly after by the secular, worldly pneumonia. What medical researchers are discovering now about spiritual illnesses could help everyone and anyone that masturbates, and anyone that knows someone that masturbates. The current thinking is that this type of sin can be transmitted through certain frequencies of electro-magnetic-spiritual (EMS) radiation. The frequencies being studied that can cause spiritual infections are thought to be in the range of 200-40 nB (nano-blessings). At such tiny blessing frequencies it is easy for spiritual infections to take place. Doctors tell us that EMS radiations in this range are called, slut-rays, a potent and seductive form of spiritual infection. The problem with slut-rays is that at such low frequencies they can be easily transmitted.

An example of slut-ray transmission begins when you purchase your ticket to Catcon. At this point, everything is fine. You then review the participating exhibits and see that a rare breed of Scottish Sawtooth Mandarin Tabby will be presented, as an exemplary specimen of the rare breed. Now we’re on the dirty brink of slut-ray emission. The moment, however, that you make eye contact with the cat in the photograph is when you start transmitting slut-rays. But it doesn’t stop there. Once you follow up your impulse to purchase Jergens hand creme scented with orange blossom and honey suckle, the amount of slut-rays you’re emitting becomes toxic to people in your neighborhood. If you are in a group of cat fanciers, or spend a lot of time on Reddit, then you’ve entered the next phase of slut-ray radiation transmission. Now you’re sending slut-rays THROUGH the Internet, which in some areas is carried over Wi-Fi.

Wi-Fi transmission of slut-rays makes this an airborne infection agent. This, according to the best estimates from the doctors of science fiction, medicine, technology, and papal physiology, is how Pope Francis caught a spiritual pneumonia infection. Luckily for you, the Pope is recovering. Unfortunately for you, your unique slut-ray frequency signature is being tracked back to you as you read this. It’s only a matter of time before. Oh shit… The next person that messages you KNOWS what you did. They found you!!! Hide man, HIDE!!!